This is a blog.
You have two days to convince me not to buy this squirrel riding a rabbit. Go!
Randomly stumbling upon the taxidermy section of eBay is easily among the most dangerous discoveries I’ve ever made in my life, right up there with discovering that alcohol tastes good, and that there aren’t a lot of speed traps on Toronto highways.
I’ve never seen an ocelot!
I burned my fingers over the weekend in a glassblowing accident, and showered yesterday with my bandaged left hand in a Ziploc bag. That is where my life is right now.
- Aubrey Plaza on meeting Ryan Gosling – “I think he has a girlfriend, but maybe I’ll murder her someday and we’ll be together forever.” Good times.
- So apparently they are going to make a sequel to X-Men: First Class, which is pretty predictable news since it made tons of cash. I am really just posting this to say that I have a strange attraction to the pictured newly resigned Fox president Emma Watts. She seems like she’d be right at home on the set of Spin City.
- Whoo, Moneyball, blah blah blah. Do you want to see an outtake where Brad Pitt giggles like an asshole for like three straight minutes? Course you do.
- Capcom recently revealed the secret characters that will be in the upcoming Street Fighter X Tekken crossover game, and the reveal is pretty fucking amazing. For one, Pac-Man! But also…Mega Man! From the original box art! Yes, that is a glock in his hand, dude was packing heat back then. Not only is this needlessly cruel, but it’s done in such a hilariously deliberate way. Think of all the hours they spent perfecting the character model (I think the yellow bit on the helmet is even tilted slightly to match the shitty boxart) and balance and play testing all of his moves list. It’s like the most elaborate gag gift of all time, I love it. Never have I seen a company just straight up antagonize it’s fanbase so blatantly since they made Ferris Bueller grow up into a car salesman. Wait, what?
- Because the only missing thing about the whole Ferris Bueller experience was the novelty of seeing him age 30 years and hock shitty $20,000 SUVs…your life is now complete. I’m so glad we were able to revisit all of that and be blessed with the proper note of closure that the movie was so sorely lacking. Also, did you know that Sloane’s last gig was in 2007 as the sex addicted ex-wife/best friend of a gay bull/pig muppet couple, and that Ed Rooney is now a registered sex offender? Have I entirely ruined this movie’s capacity to bring you joy ever again yet? Good times.
Man, that is such a bummer. It’s like if they retroactively went back in time and turned an untouchable pop culture icon like Darth Vader or something into some snotty brat who was bullied all the time and cried because he missed his mommy, just to sell action figures of his spiffy looking space race car and his wacky alien sidekick.
“Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair and I lost an arm.”
“Exactly! Life got dark!”
I love chemicals. Especially anything involved in the fine and performance chemical industry. But you all know that already. There’s an upcoming tradeshow exhibition coming up, anyone want to come with me?
Can’t wait to check out all those fancy chemicals.
Also, I think I broke the tagboard.
Teamocil is no longer available. Please try either Groupug, Bondat, or consult your own Wellness Guide.
Oh man, I think I went on a drunken eBay binge again. WHAT HAVE I DONE
- This is the funniest random, clueless urban myth type retardedness I’ve seen in a while. It’s just wacky enough to meet the tipping point for this stuff. I love it. Check it out on Twitter yourself and absolutely not be surprised at the demographics that are currently trending it. Stay classy, America.
- Hey, someone (whose Tumblr title sounds like a Stormfront-type white supremacy site) made some Breaking Bad Valentine’s Day cards! Pretty great.
- This is a fantastic story about how a bunch of alcoholics in Vancouver have banded together and are now soliciting the government to help give them free booze so that they won’t drink Listerine. The logic is that it’s probably cheaper to fund the requested “drinker’s lounge stocked with vodka, sherry and high-alcohol beer” at about $350 a month per each of the approximate 40 members than to pay for the medical costs when they turn up at emergency rooms after chugging down rubbing alcohol instead. Which might actually be true. This is the most fucking genius idiot I’ve seen in a long time, and I can’t help but slow-golf-clap-applaud the Eastside Illicit Drinkers Group for Education for being such innovative paradigm shifters. The government should give the alcoholics…free alcohol…to help them. And it’s not like they’re just a bunch of crazy drunks looking for a way to scam the government – no, this is the same respected organization that had already previously secured a $52,000 government grant to research benefits of alcohol maintenance programs. I can’t imagine what they spent that $52,000 on. Bet it was not booze. But I mean the idea makes sense – the only singular hole in the logic is wouldn’t everyone want to participate in this free alcohol program?
But wait, Eastside Illicit Drinkers Group for Education (it’s okay to illicitly drink as long as it’s for education) member Rob Morgan, a First Nations man from a reserve near Terrace, BC has thought of that already. “It would be members only because once word gets out it is free alcohol, everyone that just wants a free drink would show up.” Well seems like they’ve got that one handled. Ironclad!
- Here’s the trailer for Moonrise Kingdom. It might surprise you to know that it is directed by Wes Anderson. Or it might not.
You really think it’s cool for you to hit the sauce with a bun in the oven?
All I do is win, win, win no matter what. Got money on my mind, I can never get enough. Any every time I step up in the building, everybody’s hands go UP…
- If you have not read this wacky story about Aziz Ansari, David Chang, and James Murphy visiting Tokyo, then I think maybe you should? I am particularly interested in how these “ritualized blind dates” aka gokons work – is that just like hiring a whole bunch of prostitutes…but classier? More research is required.
- Introducing the absolute most douchebag phone of all time. Always something charming about white people (Vertu is a British company) celebrating Asian holidays and getting way too much into dragons…combine it with a $20,000 price tag and $20 internal cellphone parts, and that is how you build a winner. And check out the accessories – a USB charging cable is $190. Now that is baller time.
- Some made a voice pack for Garmin GPS systems based on the voice of GLaDOS. There’s also a link for a TomTom setup as well, and someone made a video of it in action – seems to work pretty sweet. I just don’t understand the appeal of the voice of a sinister passive aggressive AI personality that is out to kill you at worst or run you through excessively complex mental gauntlets and obstacle courses at best – exactly what you want in a GPS system…?
- Holy shit, Samurai Pizza Cats toys are coming.
- If you ever wanted a breakdown of the entire Big Momma’s House franchise (three movies and counting!) joke by joke, it is freely available to you in an appropriately named Big Momma’s House table of sass.
- Here is a Reddit IAMA with Community writer Megan Ganz, who receives primary writing credits for the excellent bottle episode, the documentary episode with LeVar Burton, and again the other insane documentary/Heart of Darkness episode. Pretty neat read if you have some time to kill, especially the bit where they explain how the Beetlejuice bit came to be – it wasn’t exactly planned out three years in advance, but somehow the explanation is still nerdier. Fun stuff.
- Also, who the fuck puts in a reference to the 1978 remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers? WHO ARE THESE REFERENCES FOR!?!
- This is the opening for buildings. I want to visit every single one of them now. Also, I want to live in the 80′s.
- Holy shit, Best Buy’s having a midnight opening for Diablo 3 on “Febuary” 1st!?! Just kidding, they are just retarded and have surprised and disappointed us all for no purpose. Gotta mean it’s close, right!?! Maybe once they get this South Korea trouble with the auction house stuff stuff sorted out. But honestly who cares about South Korea, not like it’s part of the Blizzard demographic at all.
Ball so hard mothafuckas wanna fine me
First niggas gotta find me
What’s 50 grand to a muhfucka like me
Can you please remind me?
I guess Ross is the third roommate in this scenario…? I don’t know, we’ll get to that later.
Oh man, sweater vests are fantastic. I’ve realized that when I wear them over dress shirts and I roll up the sleeves…I really only need to iron the collars. The rest of the shirt underneath is wrinkled as shit, but no one ever knows and I even look classier than if I just had the shirt. These things are genius.
- Someone made a custom Mass Effect Monopoly board, which I am obligated to post here in lieu of actual Mass Effect content. Regardless, I am fully confident that this link will provide you with at least five to ten seconds of entertainment. Instead of “GO TO JAIL”, it’s instead “COLLECTOR SPACE ATTACK / GO DIE IN SPACE” which is great, and Chance and Community Chest have been replaced by Cerberus Tasks and Alliance Missions. This amuses me.
- Remember Pingu? And remember John Carenter’s 1982 horror movie about the shape-shifting alien called The Thing? Well if you don’t then I happy to provide you with the unique opportunity to revisit both properties at the same time. What would possess someone to create this? I don’t really care, I’m just happy they did.
- How about another 2011 in film mash-up? Let’s do it! I mean I know I just posted one up, but I have to say, the production quality here is just way too slick not to put up. And check out the videos for all the previous years in film…I lost like half an hour going through them all. Really great stuff, almost makes me forget how crappy 2011 was for movies. I mean truly, honestly….I have trouble thinking of a movie I enjoyed more than Real Steel this year. X-Men: First Class? Super 8? Moneyball or 50/50 maybe? I can’t even say. The Academy Awards are going to be WIDE OPEN this year. The year in comedy wasn’t great either – Bridesmaids, 30 Minutes or Less, or Horrible Bosses. One of those three is your pick for comedy of the year (if you count Fast Five as a straight action movie), and true to Hollywood form, they’re already moving towards making sequels for two of them. Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson, and Your Highness also came out this year, if that gives you any more context.
Oh man, Your Highness was such a massive, crippling disappointment…that alone proves how bad 2011 was. I apologize to everyone for even bringing it up again.
- Not content to only be the greatest pitcher in the history of human civilization, Doc Halladay also rescued some dude from an anaconda attack? And apparently he also goes on Brazilian fishing trips with Chris Carpenter and BJ Ryan? The article also notes that they both shot a caiman, which I originally misunderstood to be like a tribesman indigenous to the rainforest there, which frankly made more sense to me. That’s what I suspect and hope all millionaires are doing down there, hunting the greatest prey in the world: man.
- I feel like I kind of missed the opportunity to do some stupid stuff with the beard. I mean not that specifically, but I’m sure there’s all sorts of asshole tomfoolery I missed out on. Just wanted to post that because I thought it was weird that a punch works backwards from a slap.
- Okay, so here’s how this story goes…some dude in Utah gets drunk at 2:00 AM, sees a mouse run around his kitchen counter, and opens fire on it with 9 mm handgun. Unsurprisingly, he misses the mouse and instead shoots his roommate in the chest, who is apparently in the restroom in the middle of the night on the other side of the wall. Emergency services are summoned and upon searching the house, they discover a 13 year-old girl hiding in a closet that their third roommate (a 34 year-old) has been having sex with for the last four months.
He is arrested, the second roommate recovers at a hospital, and charges are pending for the first guy.
The fourth roommate sleeps through the entire thing.
Police declare the mouse a hero.
This is the darkest episode of Friends ever.
I’ll be there for you
When the rain starts to pour
I’ll be there for you
Like I’ve been there before
I’ll be there for you
Cause you’re there for me too
How were all of our 2011′s? Not too bad, right? And if it wasn’t so hot for you, there’s still reason to believe that this year will be better than the last.
I remember absolutely nothing about mine. But I think it was pretty good.
I think 2012′s going to be even better though. Cheers to the new year, let’s bring it home.
- The seven highest grossing movies this year were sequels and depending on where Sherlock Holmes and Mission: Impossible end up, there could be more. The results speak for themselves – there is zero incentive to make original properties now in Hollywood. But it’s been a pretty wonderful year for movies, hasn’t it? …wasn’t it? I can’t remember. So let’s revisit 2011 in a big trailer mash-up and reminisce about how great Real Steel was. Movie of the year.
- And Thor was okay too…? Does anyone remember anything about that movie? And now apparently the Thor 2 director will now be the guy who directed Game of Thrones? Or more specifically, the guy who directed two of ten Game of Thrones episodes? Hurr…ay? He should actually be better known as a director for Mad Men, but I guess this headline sells the story better? But can you honestly say it would be more interesting to see Thor mixed with Game of Thrones instead of Thor mixed with Mad Men? Is there anything that doesn’t improve after mixing with Mad Men? Was making every sentence in this paragraph a question just coincidence, by design, or just something I started by accident and decided to keep running with? Will anyone ever know?
- And whoa, Ahnuld is returning with a few movies next year, including one called Black Sands in which he plays “a kind of angel” and is supposed to be…a cross between Constantine and Commando in which he is raging war against weapons dealers as an immortal instrument of death…? So that sounds good, maybe. I think somewhere down the line I’ve lost the ability to distinguish whether I like a movie legitimately or ironically. Perhaps it’s better this way.
- Apparently a new book coming out alleges that Richard Nixon was gay, which gets me very excited about the potential material this gives late night comedy shows. There’s a lot of wacky conjecture and boring filler in the article, but the core of these allegations seems to come from here…
In months, the pair were inseparable, holidaying with Nixon’s wife Pat — and without her. Rebozo became an ‘uncle figure’ to the Nixons’ two daughters, Tricia and Julie. The dapper Cuban-American chose Nixon’s clothes and even selected the films he watched at the White House.On Nixon’s solo visits to Key Biscayne, they swam and sunbathed, indulging in their shared passions for discussing Broadway musicals and barbecuing steaks.
Honestly, it’s kind of ridiculous that you can’t go swimming and discuss musicals one-on-one with another dude who picks out your clothes without being called gay. Those are pretty baseless accusations. There is absolutely nothing gay about hanging out with another dude at the beach talking about musicals, it’s ridiculous. Who does that anyway? Ridiculous. You should all be ashamed of yourselves, that is a completely heterosexual thing to do.
- I thought this thing about video game themed cocktails was a fun read, if just for the visual of the Portal 2 drinkies. Though I think my favourite was the Batman one because of the concept of multiple shots based on each of the villains you have to defeat through the game. That would be a pretty great idea at a party (or just by yourself on an alcoholic night in), going through a gauntlet of shots, reliving Batman’s challenges in Batman: Arkham City by taking a shot for every major villain in the game. Or even better, relive Knightfall, where he fights like thirty guys in a row and ends up with his back broken. The last drink is Bane, which is like a monstrous thing based on a triple of dark rum (because he is born in a Caribbean prison and is evil?) and anyone left standing after that and looking for more can then take on a series of generic ninjas by chugging sake bombs until they die. You’ll be the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one they need. I want to imagine a world in which this is common place in university dorms, where like five alcohol intolerant nerds across the country die each year trying to make it through The Knightfall Gauntlet, because they got sucked into the idea of a Batman themed drinking game.
- There’s been a disturbance in the fragile ecological world of gamer nerds lately, regarding a wacky email exchange between a customer and some PR representative for Ocean Marketing who handle the promotion for these custom peripherals that fit over your Xbox controllers that blah blah blah…and at some point it was forwarded to Mike Krahulik (“Gabe”) of Penny Arcade who then inserted himself into it. Anyway, pretty crazy read just at face value – I’m trying to keep track of all this, but I’m not up 100% on it all. Apparently these guys, N-Control, hired Ocean Marketing (who may or may not be part owners?) to promote their product…which is a company that apparently turns out to consist of only this one crazy dude. And apparently they also hired another marketing company called The HAND Media (those fucking ninjas are in the advertising business now too!?!) which then fired them as clients (you can “fire” clients!?!) because they knew this was coming…? All I know is that it’s always hilarious to see guys who work in customer service go in the complete opposite direction, and this dude certainly does that.
I’m also in awe of Gabe’s stance after the guy breaks down and apologies after he’s banned from PAX, in which he (Gabe) essential says he doesn’t give a shit about people who come at Penny Arcade and that he will personally burn everything he’s made to the fucking ground if he can catch these assholes in the flames. Oh wait, he actually says that. GODDAMN, that is some world class hate. That is pure venom – I respect it, I love it, and I appreciate it. And don’t think for a second that I won’t hesitate to do the same. I will absolutely burn down the entirety of The WAMBAG media empire and sacrifice all of its considerable value if I can take someone I don’t like down with me.
I mean I can’t really think of anyone I particularly dislike right now, but I will absolutely do it if it came to it, don’t question that. The best part of this entire thing of course is that the actual product involved is designed for the crippled and the disabled, who are the real losers at the end of all this internet sword fighting. There’s just so many different comedic angles to this thing, it’s amazing.
And it’s one more day up in the canyon
And it’s one more night in Hollywood
It’s been so long since I’ve seen the ocean
I guess I should
Hope you’re all having a fun Christmas at home, honouring our main man (and blood brother) JC by indulging in commercial excess and the cardinal sin of gluttony.
To celebrate this occasion, please accept this humble offering of Zach Braff and Donald Faison singing Baby It’s Cold Outside.
That shit cray. That shit cray.
“What’s to-day?” cried Scrooge, calling downward to a boy in Sunday clothes, who perhaps had loitered in to look about him.
“Eh?” returned the boy, with all his might of wonder.
“What’s to-day, my fine fellow?” said Scrooge.
“To-day?” replied the boy. “Why, Christmas Day.”
Man, I watched the Christmas episode of Parks and Recreation some time last week, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about calzones since. At some point Adam Scott says “man, I love me some calzone” which I don’t even think is supposed to be a joke or anything other than a random filler line, but I can’t get it out of my head and I’ve been desperately angling to get my grubby mitts on some calzone ever since. Today will be the day that I love me some calzone.
…man, my life is fucking boring as hell.
EDIT: Had to settle for a panzarotti instead. I don’t know the difference. I was actually trying to figure it out on Wikipedia when I found this little ditty under the Canada section…
The Panzarotti or ‘Panz’ has also become highly popular among the youth of Nova Scotia. The Donair Paz and dub che panz are two highly popular styles along with the very daring poutine panz which was first created by Jim Ceb. Other popular styles are traditional pizza (pep,bac,mush) as well as a desert panzarotti or desertarotti.
So the next time you are in Nova Scotia and hanging out with some youths, up your street cred by suggesting that you all go get your panz on. That would be totally swag, homeskillet.
- Do you watch Archer? You should, it’s amazing. I tell people this all the time, but no one listens. Anyway, there now exists a book (like a real paper-filled book) called How to Archer: The Ultimate Guide to Espionage and Style and Women and Also Cocktails Ever Written. The author is even listed as Sterling Archer, and there’s an author biography for him and everything. Go ahead and pre-order it for like $10, because fuck it, why not?
- This might be one of the greatest treats the internet’s blessed me with in a long time. Great Moments in NBA History recreated in MS Paint – revel and enjoy. Unfortunately, an intermediate to advanced knowledge of NBA history might be required to actually enjoy this to its full extent. But it’s pretty easy to get the gist.
- Last month, a Chicago man was arrested for allegedly breaking into Chicago White Sox general manager Kenny Williams’ house. Dude did some pretty fucked up things while he was in there too.
Field apparently made himself at home. Police found him wearing Williams’ clothes and the GM’s 2005 World Series ring. He also apparently defrosted a lobster.This incident occurred between Nov. 18 and 21 while Williams was out of town, police said.
Williams confirmed the incident and said the man drank his beer, ate frozen pizza, surfed the internet and kicked his shoes off on the bed.
You don’t just defrost another man’s lobster, that’s just some monstrous, inhuman levels of depravity right there. When I put a lobster in my fridge, I expect it to remain there, frosting. Imagine coming home to find it out of the fridge, de-frosting…having your entire sense of the world broken like that, knowing that nothing in your life is sacred or safe from a perversion like that…how do you carry on?
Two weeks later, Kenny Williams traded White Sox closer Sergio Santos to Toronto for top pitching prospect Nestor Molina. Who knows if this weighed heavily on his mind throughout negotiations? A man might quickly lose perspective – what use is a great closer if there’s nothing worth saving? He used his internet! Who knows how much of his monthly 60 GB limit this psychopath used up? Or do they not have bandwidth limits in America? Either way, it’s a violation – maybe he didn’t seed his torrents or whatever, we just don’t know!
- Remember how Gerald Butler ruined our plans of producing a movie called Playing the Field wherein an aging athlete reassess his ways of playing the field (re: women) after the main love interest leaves him…or…something similar, I can’t remember, I was three pitchers in when we came up with this. I know we were going to offer the starring role to Derek Jeter in which he would be playing himself or an incredibly close facsimile of himself? The first part of the movie has already happened; he’s split with Minka Kelly (after an incredible first ballot Hall of Fame hookup career already) and is now feeling sorry for himself. Actually he probably isn’t feeling that bad, the tabloids are still saying he’s banging through all sorts of hood rats (Jeter’s hood rats are probably still just aspiring supermodels instead of professional ones).
Say what you want about his overrated defense or overblown intangibles or his actual value as a baseball player (although no full-time shortstop has accumulated higher WAR than Jeter since 2000)…but leaving your one-night stands autographed swag in gift bags in the limos you kick them out into the next morning is the most baller-ass thing ever. Jeter’s the best, how can you not live in complete awe of him? I can’t hate him, I have too much respect for him.
“Why don’t you just have someone else get the calzones?”
“Because the next thing you know Steinbrenner will be having lunch with him. You know how these interoffice politics work.”
“No, I’ve never had a job.”
And I’m not even exactly sure if it was or not…which is actually pretty fitting.
Snow dad’s better than no dad!