If Something Isn’t Growing It’s Dead

(soundtrack)

Momentum – Aimee Mann

As I write this, I’m supposed to be working on a Narrative essay.

University work. I’m supposed to be working hard on university work, stepping up my game for the big dance, and what am I doing instead? Not working.

I wish finding my motivation was as easy as finding any other lost thing. Like, you could just trace all your steps until you remembered the last place that you had it and then go back there and get it. But you can’t do that, can you? I swear, for the better part of the last two years I have been unable to act in a productive manner. My development as a human being has just…halted. I’m what Fabian Cortez would call a “flatscan”. I’ve evolved as far as I’m going to go.

Now I sit at my keyboard, staring at an assignment that an elementary school student could do and I cannot, cannot get myself to string a series of words together and form a single useful sentence. It’s not even writer’s block, it’s something else. Writer’s block suggests that there’s ideas in my mind that can’t quite squeeze themselves out, but I think I have a different problem. It’s like, the ideas in my head aren’t even entirely coherent, they’re a formless blob of raw thought and memory. Like that feeling you have when you wake up in the morning after going to bed really late and realizing that you didn’t have any time to dream. Yeah, like that.

And I’m tired of going to school and not knowing why I’m there or what the hell I’m doing. I’m tired of knowing that I’m letting down every teacher who told me that I can do anything I want to especially when the when the only thing I want to do is curl up into a warm ball and rest. Why have I been cursed with having people believe in me? Why couldn’t I be one of those inner city youths with big dreams and a bigger heart, with everyone telling me that I’m not gonna make it? Some people have all the luck.

The sad thing is that I’m not afraid. That came with my newfound inability to achieve anything; I also seem to be immune to failure. Don’t get me wrong, it sucks and I try to avoid it at all times, but for some reason I can’t learn from it. I’m locked in a nice pattern and it’s killing me. But like I said, I’m okay with that.

If you’re reading this, then you’ve clearly caught me at a bad time. I don’t think there is a worse time to catch someone than when they’re in the middle of doing an important assignment. It’s like, they suddenly feel excused to go on an enormous bitch-fest because they’d rather do that than deal with whatever problem they have.

Jaysis! Would ya listen to me? I’ll be fine, I’ll be fine. I just had a real shite week. You don’t need to hear about it, suffice to say that it’s put me in this mood, so you can figure it out. I’ve just had what alcholics refer to as a moment of clarity and let me tell you, the picture wasn’t pretty.

This rant has been some whiny crap, but unfortunately, I know that there’s a lot of truth in it. Something’s got to give.

SNL Post of the Week:

Again last week’s episode sucked, but I missed Andy Roddick so here’s the mono from last week.

Just Skip Down To The Part With The Pervert

And now one more for the good times:

Retro SNL Post of the Week:

Stallone Aids A Car Wreck Victim – This could have worked with Arnold too.

Everybody just cool out…

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COOL OUT!