The Big Hit Pt.1

Before I start, lemme warn you that this is a long LONG post. If you do not wish to read it, just imagine me saying “So I’m jerking off to Malaysian Bear porno…” for about 5 minutes straight and you’ll get the idea.

The last time I was inspired to write something on the Wambag was after I came to the realization that a girl I had liked for a while never had any feelings for me whatsoever. I had felt a need to tell myself I was over it by blogging on the bag. Why? I’m not really sure. I’m quite positive that prior to that post, I had needlessly bantered and whined to Will, Jess, and Alex about that subject much to their chagrin. But nonetheless, this post is not about that. This post is about now, and more precisely what happened on Friday night and the days leading up to it.

The days leading up to this eventful evening was really all a blur. On Monday, the minute I woke up and got into the shower, I knew this week was gonna be a waste. I could feel an overbearing wave of laziness rush over me and it was at this point that I decided I would not go to school at all this week. Luckily for me, common sense came through and this plan was never fully carried out. Since I’m way too lazy to recount the week in paragraph format, I will do it in bullets. That’s how we gangstas roll.

Monday:

• Woke up. Fucked up. Decided to go downtown but not to school.
• Shopped at Eaton’s for 3 hours.
• Watched “Be Cool” at Rainbow. Here’s the review: Entertaining, inoffensive, with genuinely good intentions to be a fun movie. Travolta and Vaughn play the same role they play in all movies. 2 stars. (out of 5)

Tuesday:

• I was “sick” today. Didn’t go to school. Probably shouldn’t have told the teacher I had AIDS.
• Beat Star Wars Republic Commando. Here’s the review: Entertaining, inoffensive, with genuinely good intentions to be a fun game. High production values and wonderful visuals. 7.5 stars. (out of 10)

Wednesday:

• My normal day off from school
• Played ESPN NFL and NBA all day

Thursday:

• Finally decided to go to school. Shouldn’t have.
• Digi-Apps class was retarded. We learned how to make a light source in 3DMax. Fuck Jay-Z.
• Illustration class was only 1 hr long because the teacher is gay.
• A flamingly homosexual guy touches my elbow at Banana Republic. Needless to say, I pummeled him savagely. (After I let him touch my wee-wee in the change room)

* Feel free to add in as many “Jerked off to Malaysian Bear porn.” as you like. Don’t be hasty. There is no wrong number.

After a week of video gaming, I definitely needed a break from school. Wait, that didn’t make sense. Anyways, I spent the first half of Friday at school in my digital integrations class learning absolutely nothing because I know more than my teacher does in Photoshop, so fuck him. Then when I got home, I made the trek to Al’s place. Right before I left the house, my mom warned me about the bad weather and the road conditions and as usual I gave her the “Yeah, sure mom. Ok, later… biyiyatch!” (a la Vince Vaughn from Be Cool)

The road to Al’s place was relatively smooth, but snow was starting to fall. No worries. I got to Al’s at about 5:30pm and waited for him there. An hour of video gaming later he arrived (due to the now terrible road conditions, the bus was forced to move along at a sluggish pace). The next couple hours were spent on the usual stuff two extremely masculine and good looking guys would do together. Two jars of Vaseline and some old paper towel tubes later we decided to leave for our usual Friday night ballin’. You fill in the blanks of what happened in those hours. Be creative, because we sure were.

So we left the house at about 10:15pm and went west on Steeles. At this point, a lot of snow had already built up on the roads and it was ICY as shit! We probably should have turned back, but I wanted to ball badly seeing as how the Raptors lost to the Hawks (!), in OT (!!), at home (!!!). Everything was going well until we passed Warden. The next traffic light ahead already had 3 cars stopped. So as I approached the red I casually started breaking but the second I started to, my ABS system kicked in and at this point I knew we were in for a ride. Cue “Cells” In the next 3 seconds, I had to make a decision. Do I:

a) pray for my breaking and ABS to prevail and come to stop within inches of hitting the exposed hydrogen gas tank sticking out of the trunk of the car ahead of us.

b) swerve onto the raised meridian on my left hand side and obliterate the metal pole standing at the end.

c) reach into my glove compartment and jerk to my hidden stash of Malaysian Bear porn in my dying moments.

d) hit the ejection button on the underside of my steering wheel thereby launching me into safety and leave Al to die in the fiery explosion from the hydrogen gas tank.

Obviously I chose (c), no question. Ok, for real, I decided to swerve. So the car went right over the meridian and lodged itself on top of it, following it like a track. Momentum carried us forward until we crashed into the pole. I think we hit a little Mexican boy as well (as Alex touched upon in his post) but I swear he was already dead when we hit him.

Upon hitting the pole, I believe the first thing I said, pardon me screamed, was “FUCK!”. We immediately got out of the car and I checked the front. Small paint chips and a mangled license plate. Hrm, not bad. I picked up the sign on the road and moved it out of the way of traffic by placing it on the island. Hesitantly, I then looked under the car and just as I feared, the stump of the sign had torn a hole in a wheel turning dealy (as Alex elegantly put it). NFG. So naturally we decided to flee the scene of the crime. Too bad the car wouldn’t move! Once again… “FUCK!” Followed by an “OH FUCK!”. And of course a “WHAT THE FUCK!”. Not knowing what to do we gave Al’s dad a call and then proceeded to stand around in the cold for a couple of hours while numerous tow truck drivers offered their services. At this point of the story I’m going to cut it short because Alex pretty much mentioned everything. (Really, this is just a way for me to say “I’m too damned lazy to go on”. I WILL write Pt.2 of this weekend post later this week. Until then consider Jay-Z, FUCKED. Dipset all day, everyday.

P.S. Link to a hilarious Conan reaction. This is gold.