Despite your best efforts, I am alive. Barely. That hitman you bastards hired almost got me though – good stuff on that. He disguised himself as an old lady and everything too. Good thing I noticed him reaching for his purse-gun at the last second and snapped his neck and threw him out the plane. His act was so good that he had convinced a nearby family into actually mistaking him for “Granny Ester.” That was awkward for awhile.

I’m in this place called Munich. And I’m paying like six Euros for thirty minutes of internet – I think that’s like a billion dollars, our money. So I might have to settle for…I don’t know…like the Dominican Republic instead of Cuba for now.

Good airplane movies though. Two Will Shatner classics – Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan and Miss Congeniality 2. They were after him, not the girl! What a twist.

I was hoping that the person sitting next to me on the flight would be Scarlett Johansson, but instead I got this fat German woman who took over the shared arm rest, snored, and kicked me in her sleep. Fuckin’ bull-dyke.

And I haven’t seen a dirty chink for a whole day here…I imagine that’s how heaven’s like.

But I miss home. I don’t like to travel.

“KHAAAAAAAN!!!”