(A Random Post)

Man, it’s been tough to get a post up in the last couple of days…it’s just been one of those stretches where you just gotta grind it out. I just haven’t been able to find a good enough link or an interesting personal note that could support an entire post on its own…so instead I have to charge my meter and just wait it out and accumulate little bits as they come and slap them together at the end of the week. So what’s to come shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone.

Do not be alarmed if you feel yourself being factually provoked by the content to follow…for they are Choking Yak’s Provoking Facts!

(…so gay.)

– Gilbert Arenas apparently cheats at Halo 3. After the first page, it’s basically just a whole forum full of Halo nerds complaining about how terrible of a role model he is for kids because he cheats in a video game (oh no, a dude who’s signed for $11.95 million this year might have his X-Box banned), so feel free to skip all of that. I don’t know about you, but this actually makes me love Gilbert Arenas even more. And I’d imagine this is nothing but good news for you if you’re a Wizards fan – imagine having a guy so competitive that he’ll even cheat at a video game. You want a guy like that on the court. It’s like that story about Michael Jordan – who was legendary because his competitiveness was straight up psychotic (among other things…like…being really good at basketball) – bribing an airport worker to make sure his bags came out first so he could win like a $100 bet with his teammates. This is a dude who’s made like $93.78 million dollars in NBA salaries alone (he’s probably earned like a hundred times that in endorsement deals) cheating to win a hundred bucks…he’s so bent on winning that he can’t turn it off. So I can’t imagine how this doesn’t make Gilbert even more awesome. Remember, we live in a world where Batman is like the most awesome superhero ever, because he has no powers and has to constantly CHEAT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER to take out his superpowered rogues gallery and to keep up with his superfast, superstrong, superdurable Justice League teammates. It’s cliche, but it’s still true – if you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.

I just hope he figures out (or has already figured out) a way to cheat at basketball as well.

– When microwaving my lunch of Thanksgiving leftovers yesterday (it will not run out!), I accidentally beeped out the first six big brass notes of Soul Bossa Nova on the keypad…and I’ve had the Austin Powers intro stuck in my head ever since. This was really just an excuse to link to the video so that I could get it all out of my system. I’ve been walking around the halls doing those stupid hand motions at the beginning all day…it’s horrible.

– Furthermore, I saw someone’s lunch in the communal fridge wrapped up in the distinctive plastic bag from Silver Snail, identifiable only to others that have been there. So. There is another one. I will find you and destroy you.

– Also, Jack Bauer goes to jail – 48 days for DUI? THAT AIN’T SHIT. Nigga kicked a heroin habit, came back from the dead TWICE, shotgunned a dog, and has killed like three thousand terrorists over the course of 144 hours. He was trapped and tortured in a Chinese prison for TWENTY MONTHS – you think that dinky Los Angeles playpen you call a jail will hold him? I pity your city – you are all already dead, you just don’t know it yet. Though maybe now FOX can have that 24/Prison Break crossover we’ve all been waiting for.

Probable next related news headline: “Jack Bauer At Large: LA County Jail Found Full Of Dead People”

– I got this silly email at work, regarding a visual test that will apparently determine which hemisphere of the brain is your primary think tank. Apparently if the dancer rotates clockwise, you’re a right brain thinker, and vice versa for counter-clockwise and for the left. Even though I don’t really understand nor fully believe the science behind how sight or visual interpretation can determine which side of the brain you use…the actual optical illusion thing is still really neat. It is messing up BOTH sides of my brain. I don’t know about you, but at first, I could only see her spinning clockwise, and I was completely convinced that there is just absolutely no way that you could interpret her spinning counter-clockwise, just because of the slope of her leg and all that.

But then I managed to get it to flip (I think the “weakest” frame and where the illusion is at its thinnest is the frame where the bottom foot spins “behind” the heel so that you can’t see it for a split-second…so the trick is to wait until then and then mentally reverse the spin from that point – imagine grabbing and constantly trying to break her bottom foot by forcing it to spin the other way, since violence solves every mental exercise) so that I could see her going counter-clockwise as well…and the weird thing is, now I can’t see how anyone could interpret her spinning in a clockwise direction, even though I just did like ten seconds ago. And I can’t make her switch back. It’s insane, I can only get it to click from clockwise to counter-clockwise. Every time I want to see her going clockwise again, I have to close the page, reset my brain, and look at it fresh again…and it’s always initially clockwise for me.

I have no idea what this means in terms of the brain hemisphere concept – like what does it mean when people can switch how they see the image? That they can switch between left and right hemispheres at will? Oh God, I think I’m going to vomit.

Rowlf & The Swedish Chef from this past weekend’s SNL with Seth Rogan. Of particular note is how uncannily accurate Andy Samberg’s joint movements matches those of an actual Muppet. Frightening in its realism.

– While I was coming back from lunch today (do not order the turkey sandwich from Senator Diner on Victoria and Dundas…it sucks) I saw this big important looking guy in like a three thousand dollar power suit, expensive silk tie, and leatherbound notebook that I imagine was likely full of high yield investment portfolios, or maybe like a list of high ranking political figures to publically discredit or assassinate. He was just lighting up and chilling out in front of the doors to the elevators, where all the smokers generally are, and I paid it no mind. But then as I walked past him and got in a good whiff, I noticed that he wasn’t actually holding a cigarette – dude was blazing a joint just like that…out on the street at 1:30 in the afternoon! Either that guy is living it up like he don’t even give a fuck, or he’s like the absolute best dressed hobo I have ever seen. What series of fortunate events has transpired to let him lead a life like that, and most importantly, how can I follow in his footsteps? I mean…do I have to be white, or is that just preferred? I need a more powerful name. Like…uh…Clint Braddock. YEAH. It’s gotta be the name. Let’s go with that instead. I’d feel like a superhero with that name. …maybe because I might have just combined the names of two superheroes to form it, but whatever.

– The weather (among other things…) in San Francisco is still something I’d trade this crappy Toronto getup for in a heartbeat, but since Captain America’s dead, and now that the Canadian dollar has reached and exceeded parity with the US dollar…only one of my top three reasons for moving to the states is still relevant. So I guess it might be relevant to announce that Cap’s coming back in January, along with a new costume redesign…though if it isn’t Steve Rogers, then it doesn’t really matter then, does it? I haven’t been keeping up with Cap’s title on a monthly basis, but I assume Bucky (who is alive again, which is ironic because now Cap’s dead) aka “The Winter Soldier” is going to be the new king of ass kicking in the Marvel universe. Alex Ross is generally pretty good with costume designs (ie. Earth X, Kingdom Come), and I think I like this one too – the idea of incorporating Cap’s old school triangular shield as a chest piece instead was kinda neat. But I think it’s going to look wack when it appears panel-to-panel in the interiors of issues with the all black thing going on for everything under his bellybutton. They didn’t even give him red boots to balance it out…he’s just going to be like this floating chest piece with disembodied hands every time someone draws him running through a dark alley. And this is more of a character concept than the visual costume…but weapons? Call me old fashioned, but I missed the days when Cap would just beat regular Nazi soldiers or Skrulls to death with his bare hands American Boxing Judo Style. And now we live in a world where we’ll constantly have to ask ourselves if Cap’s gon’ hafta shoot a bitch. Breaks my damn heart.

– In case you were wondering, Cap 9/10 majority over Batman in a straight up, shieldless and utility beltless fist fight. And still Cap 6/10 majority over Batman even with shield and utility belt. And then Batman 11/10 over Cap if he has more than five minutes to prepare for the fight, because then he gets to cheat like a motherfucker. That’s fact – not even open for discussion.

– I think this is just a horrible way to die, and it’s one of those stories where you’re just left wondering like…what else could they have done? I guess it’s impossible to jump out of a plane if it’s going into a nosedive, but it’s like…you have the training, you have the parachutes, and you only need the plane to balance out for a second so you can jump out…but it never happens. Though I have this horrible image in my head where this guy jumps out and yanks the cord, only to find out that it was full of silverware. Ah, it happens to the best of us.

…yes, I’m going to Hell.

– So I never got my registration card in the mail, even though both my parents did, as well as my brother who spends most of the year living in Hamilton. But I went to vote yesterday anyway, because I’ve voted numerous times before, and I just assumed that there was a mail mix-up and everything would be cool anyway because I’m on the registered voter list for my riding. So turns out I’m not on the list. Which seems to technically imply that I’m either dead or not a registered resident of Ontario…which I wouldn’t mind (for either one), but the fact that this comes after I’ve already paid up my income tax and put my money towards funding bullshit programs I don’t care about (Education!?! Why the fuck would I want to support an education system that doesn’t include mandatory viewings of Van Helsing in History, Social Science, or Physics curricula?)…that’s just something that doesn’t sit right with me. So after lining up for five minutes in one line only to discover I wasn’t on the list so I had to line up for another five minutes in another line to spend ten minutes filling out a form that would put me on the list at which point I had to go back and line up in the original line which took me another fifteen minutes because it had tripled in size during the last fifteen minutes I had just spent filling out the form. And at the end of the day, it didn’t even matter because the party I was rooting for lost by 5297 votes in my riding anyway. Fuck my life.

– At least we get a new holiday out of it. Monday, February 18th, 2008 – for Ontarians to spend more time with their families. Which is great, because I love spending time with my family! Hurray! Do we know what it’s called yet? They should hold another election for Ontarians to vote on what to name it. I want it to be called “Van Damme Day”…but I guess in the end it doesn’t really matter what I’d want anyway, BECAUSE I’M NOT ON THE FUCKING LIST. Bastards!

– Don’t tell anyone, but I found out where they store the bags of hot chocolate syrup for the coffee machine. They’re 1 litre bags in boxes of ten each, and they lock it in the overhead cupboard in one of the kitchens, but I know how to open it with a string (or a network cable) and this flat piece of metal I found on the floor of the server room today. I haven’t really figured out how I can use this new found information to my advantage yet…but it’s a nice card to have up my sleeve anyway, and everyone knows that knowing is half the battle.

– …I might just drink one of the bags if I ever feel sufficiently daring or if I’m ever working late, depressed, and have a death wish (aka “Mondays”).

Yeah, I probably could have split this into like five separate posts without anyone knowing. Fuck you guys, I’m not posting again for like a month.

Waste my days (waste my days)
Drown aways (drown aways)
It’s just the thought of you
In love with someone else
It breaks my heart to see you hanging from your shelf

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Destined to fight the world's evil, The WAMBAG endures massive battles involving impossible stunts, races on horse-pulled carriages, and the desecration of enchanting medieval castles (all done with dizzying computer graphics). Not only does the eye candy keep on coming, the tongue-in-cheek writing and deep Transylvanian accents perfect the film with a dose of dark humor.

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