I got a letter today that included a questionnaire that I had to fill out to determine if I was eligible for jury duty. The two main criteria were pretty much (a) if I was a criminal and (b) if I was over 18. So this could get messy…as I do not have great familiarity in the legal realm. Whoever is producing the horrible television sitcom that is my life is getting pretty desperate for new plot ideas.

– What great classic does this trailer for Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters remind you of? Get hype! Jeremy Renner as Van Helsing? Yes, that works. I’m so glad that despite the mountains of critical and financial disasters that plagued it, movie studios are still trying to fill the massive Van Helsing shaped holes in all our hearts. Don’t think you have one? You just haven’t looked deep enough. If you don’t think Van Helsing was the greatest movie ever, I will fight you.

– A toothbrush saved the space station? Isn’t that amazing? Is this link just a poor excuse to post a Simpsons video? You tell me. (The answer is yes.)

– Was meaning to post this a while ago, but keep forgetting. Here’s a neat mishmash of Breaking Bad clips from the first two seasons, over an assortment of clips of Walter talking about chemistry…this chirality shit is bonkers. Similarly, here’s two straight minutes of Walter yelling at Jesse. It’s pretty great. If you haven’t been watching any of Breaking Bad yet, then I’d ask you to refrain from viewing. And then to jump off a bridge, because really, what the fuck are you doing with your life?

– Wouldn’t you like a $10,000 designer chess set where all the pieces were black dildos? I know I do. I’ve seen a couple of people joke about how with this set you can play a version of chess in which whenever you capture an opponent’s piece they have to shove it up their ass…but I thought that was already a standard rule. That’s why I value my knights above all other pieces.

– This is a video for the heavy metal song No One Survives by Nekrogoblikon (or is it Nekrogoblikon by the band No One Survives…?) which in itself is kind of fun, but it’s notable for a familiar cameo…do you recognize that face? Who’s that bartender? …Taco?

– Please enjoy this delightful video called Blind Fight. The twist at the end will kill you. Literally.

We’ve gotten a taste of blood. Witch blood.