Keepin’ Healthy, Feelin’ Good

Went to the doctor recently for my annual physical check-up…he said my blood work shows that I have, uh…loads of cancer, in my scrotum. In fact, that’s all there is in the scrotum, no balls at all, just two healthy lumps of cancer that replaced the horrible old squidgy bollocks that were there.

So…I don’t know, no news is good news? Let’s keep this party (that is my body) going another year!

Also, I have AIDS from raping little blind boys.

– Have I posted this before…? I can’t remember. Regardless, here the first (only?) animated adaptation of Cat Shit One (or Apocalypse Meow to those of us that converse in the brutish English tongue) – which is essentially just war stories but with rabbits instead of people. Whatever, apparently this video is only going to be free on YouTube for two weeks, so go ahead and watch it. There is a wacky trailer thing at the beginning of the video, so please feel free to skip ahead to the 3:53 mark, and remember to watch at 720p, because that is the way that true ballers watch YouTube videos. Unless you are watching them at home on your mom’s really old computer where anything above like 360p causes it to stall a bit, in which case true ballers would be excused.

– Check it out, it’s The Hangover…with chicks! I am very happy to see Ellie Kemper (who I best know as Derrick Comedy’s Blowjob Girl) get some regular work, because I think she’s going to be the next Tina Fey – I mean check out all the crazy writing gigs she’s done on her Wikipedia page. Also, apparently she was taught by Jon Hamm at one point…? I’m going to go ahead and compare this to Moses Malone playing pick-up ball with a young Hakeem Olajuwon…so I have just done that.

– This is a crazy joystick custom hand-made in a Parisian workshop that is covered in ostrich leather. OSTRICH LEATHER. ON A VIDEO GAME JOYSTICK CONTROLLER. Finally, they decided to stop wasting that shit on designer handbags and shoes, and put it to some actual practical use. Finally, there is some fucking sense in the world. If you ain’t tapping out aerial raves with a rig in some ostrich leather, then I can’t even hear you. It’s like y’all be talking funny – I don’t understand language of people with short money.

– Out there, somewhere in the world, exists a movie project. It is based on Snow White, but set in Late Imperial China, and it is apparently called Snow and the Seven. Natalie Portman has been linked to this for some time now (hopefully to fall for a handsome young Asian prince, hmm?), and it is not exactly an exaggeration to say that I’ve been keeping tabs on this for some time. So every time I stumble across some minor news that comes out about it’s development, I’m putting it up here. No seriously, this project has been in the works since 2002, and I’ve been right there from the start. It will be an absolute surreal experience if it ever comes out…I don’t know what white whale I’ll be chasing after that.

The article also mentions the two other and presumably bigger Snow White movies that are going to production soon…apparently one with Julia Roberts and one with Kristen Stewart. That last sentence is just so hilarious to me, and I’m not even making that up, read the damn article yourself. (By the way, more people watched The Mentalist – a show about a guy who solves crimes using his mind – last Thursday than Parks and Recreation, 30 Rock, and Community combined.) And I am actually pretty convinced that they are real projects that exist, but I am just way too lazy and disinterested to hunt down links for each one to post here.

Have we even seen a serious shot at a Snow White movie since the Disney version? I mean that one came out in the 1930’s! And suddenly we’re seeing THREE potential Snow White properties going to the big screen within the next two or three years? Is there like some super rare planetary alignment that only happens once every 75 years that a successful big screen Snow White movie is dependent on?

Kind of like how this wacky Roman legion disappeared in like AD 100 or something…and then now, after like TWO THOUSAND YEARS of nothing, they suddenly pump out two movies about it in less than the span of a year. Seriously, how does this happen?

I have now been able to cram three movie trailers into this single post with no feelings of guilt. I am an evil that will never die.

You have no reflexes. Your blood tastes like root beer. And some of your bones appear to have vanished. I’ve only ever seen this on dead people, during Desert Storm. I actually wrote a report on it, but my commander refused to pass it on up to Saddam. Kooky times.