(After Shooting William) What’s A Matter? Oh, You Were Finished? Well Allow Me To Retort…

So I come to visit our beloved blog and enjoy a pleasant night of reading and sharing thoughts when what do I see?

Sonic is better than Mario?

Ha.

Uh huh, ha ha. Ahem.

Ha ha hee hee hoo. Bwahahahahahahaha!

Seriously, we’re banning Will’s videogame license now, right? Do we even need to have a vote?

(soundtrack)

United States Of Whatever – Liam Lynch

Will, I’ve heard you say a lot of stupid things. Countless. But when I hear you say that Sonic is better than Mario, well that takes the cake, nigga. Mario is the original, the icon. Sonic is just another dickless piece of trash. Hell, this is coming from a guy who owned Genesis before he got SNES and I still knew that Mario was better. It’s just common sense.

Where do you begin? Design? Hedgehogs are total fags. Nothing beats the racially insensitive design and voice of Mario. I’m amazed that everytime you beat a level, he didn’t go “Hey, that’s a spicy meat-a-ball-a!” And that’s what’s so cool about him. He’s an Italian stereotype and he doesn’t care. Sonic has no character. He’s just a blue stain. Mario: 1 Sonic: 0

Machismo? The Princess is hot. She’s got a J-Lo ass too, judging by the size of that dress. The only chicks that Sonic can get are animals so Will, if you’re into that sort of thing (which you are) then so be it. Mario: 2 Sonic: 0

Rogues Gallery? Bowser is one of the all-time best video game villains, but there’s one guy who Sonic can’t touch. Wario. The Wario games kick all ass. I suppose Sonic’s other foil could be Knuckles, but he’s an echidna. What the hell is that? And Dr. Robotnik? Little known fact, he started off as a good-hearted scientist named Dr. Kintobor. *cough* FAG *cough* Mario: 3 Sonic: 0

Supporting cast? Well, there’s the aforementioned Wario and Knuckles, but Mario also has Toad and Luigi. Sonic has Tails. I don’t know about you, but if this was high school and your nickname was Tails, you’d probably be getting regular beatings. Anyway, one character ends this whole debate: Yoshi. Mario: 4 Sonic: 0

Powers? Sonic’s shields are weak. The electric shield? Go get the rings yourself ya lazy shite. We’re do you begin with Mario? The raccoon leaf? Amazing. The Tanooki suit? Brilliant. The cape? Opened up whole new worlds. The boot (Kuribo’s Shoe)? It’s the fucking boot, man! Mario: 5 Sonic: 0

Quality of games? Holy crap, here’s a loaded question. The first Sonic was a’ight. Sonic and Knuckles had one of the coolest ideas I’d ever seen (the linkable cartridges). The 3D Sonics confused the hell out of me. As for Mario: SMB3 is one of the greatest games of all time, arguably better than SMB World. Mario games are just generally a hell of a lot more imaginative. Plus, look at the other games that Mario has appeared in. Mario Party. Mario Kart. Donkey Kong. What’s Sonic got? Uh…Sonic Shuffle? Remember that one, boys? Yay, cel shading! Ugh… Mario: 7 (two points!) Sonic: 0

Will, are you okay? I was going to post on something serious as usual, but I saw your post and realized that you need help. Get your head straight, son. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Special thanks to: Super Mario Bros. Headquarters – Another little known fact: The Bros.’ last names are Mario. Mario Mario? WTF, mate?

Just for the record though. Those commercials did kick ass.

SEGA!