Thar He Blows

Speed Of Sound – Coldplay

I went to the Blue Jays game Tuesday night. It was the last Toonie Tuesday of the year, so I had to be there. The group consisted of (deep breath) Annia, her friend Ted, Ted’s friend Mike, Markham District High’s own Cheryl Cheung, Julius, his new galpal Jess (yes, another one who, if necessary, shall be referred to on this site as “the other Jess” or “Beta Jess”. Our Jess shall continue to be referred to by any of her numerous nicknames, “Jess” or “Jess Prime”), Michelle, Michelle’s boyfriend Danny, and myself. I think that’s it. If we had shelled out the hard earned dough to go to the game on Monday night, we would have had a chance to catch Roy Halladay at work. Who did we get instead?

Chad Gaudin.

Now, everyone was bummed out at the prospect of having to watch some no-name go against one of the top teams in the league, the St. Louis Cardinals. But I was like, “Listen, this kid is young. Who knows? He might be amazing. We might be telling everyone about that time we saw Chad Gaudin pitch as a rookie. Right? Right?” Even when his stellar ERA of 13.50 flashed across a screen, I still had my hopes. Here’s a brief recap of how his game started:

1st batter (David Eckstein): Grounds out. This allows me to break out my “He’s only 26 outs from a no-hitter!” wisecrack. This is the only time I will get to say that.

2nd batter (Abraham Nunez): Gets a hit, thrown out trying to stretch it into a double. “There goes the no-hitter.” I say.

3rd batter (Albert Pujols): Gaudin beans him. Probably better that way.

4th batter (Larry Walker): The pride of Maple Ridge, BC! Smacks a two-run homer off of Gaudin. “Holy sheeeeiiit.” I say.

5th batter (Reggie Sanders): Another home run. At this point, I think Annia was trying to slit her wrists with the All-Star Voting Ballots we were given.

You get the idea. Gaudin ended up allowing 5 earned runs and 10 hits. While that sounds bad, it did allow me to break out the “He’s working on a 10 hitter” joke just before he got yanked. Adding insult to injury, the opposing pitcher was a former Jay, one Mr. Chris Carpenter. He was beating us so badly, that I had to break out my old Carpenter jokes.

(After a few innings of domination) “Ho, Carpenter is building a house folks. He’s putting it together real nice.”

(Later, after Annia asked me if the house was finished) “Nope, looks like he’s just started on the roof. He’s just pounding those nails in!”

Eventually Annia gave in.

Cheryl: Would you guys stop with the house jokes?
Me: Nope. He’s already finished the house, he’s just adding the varnish now.
Annia: He’s adding extra rooms at this point. He’s making additions (I can’t remember the exact word she used, she’s gonna kill me).
Me: (bent over laughing at this point)
Annia: He’s doing the whole neighbourhood!

I get the feeling this is one of those things that’s funnier if you were there. Well you weren’t, so piss off. If I were to compare the game to a movie, it would have to be Double Team. By the halfway point, I had lost my will to live.

*****

At work today, a book cover reminded me of a story that I wanted to write a long time ago. The cover featured a dude being chased by a giant shark. When I was in seventh or eight grade, I thought that the Loch Ness Monster would have made for a kickass antagonist. I don’t mean in a Moby Dick way, I meant, like in a Godzilla or Aliens way. I’d planned it out as a trilogy.

The first part would be set out in Medieval times and would be about a retired knight’s journey to Scotland. He’d go there to rest, having lived a long life of killing monsters and, um, other knights I guess. Little does he know that the peaceful lake that he lives by is home to none other than…THE LOCH NESS MONSTER! (Dun dun dun!!!)

The second part was going to be set in modern times. It would be about a detective with all sorts of mid-life problems (alcoholic, wife-beating, heroin addict…you know, the usual). After people start disappearing at sea, he’s called in to investigate the problem. Little does he know that the disappearances are caused by…THE LOCH NESS MONSTER! (Dun dun dun!!!)

The last part would be in the far, far future (natch). The world is not unlike that of 1984 and other such dystopian settings. When those in power find their offshore settlements being decimated, they begin to send their prole-like followers out to sea to find and eliminate the threat. When they find the creature’s nest, they discover that it has hatched about a thousand eggs, which could mean the end of the world. The heroes have to decide whether their world is worth saving or leaving in the hands of…THE LOCH NESS MONSTER (and babies)! (Dun dun dun!!!)

As you can see, the whole thing is more than retarded, yet very psychological. I think the whole thing came from my love of the movie Monster Squad. If anyone can find this movie for me on DVD, I will give you an oral pleasure card, free of charge. But yeah, I thought it would be nice to let you guys know why I don’t try and write stories anymore. Because my ideas suck.

TQ:
Eeeehhhh…well, there’s a story in that. Y’see that stage there? Buncha years back I designed that, built it m’self. But do they call me Bill The Stage-Builder? Naaa…y’see these doors? It was sixteen years ago I fixed them up, but do they call me Bill The Handyman? Naaaa…Wrote these floor guides, but do they call me Bill The Guide? Naaaa…
(Hey! Bill Chimpfucker!)
Eeeehhhh…Here y’go. It was only the once, pretty lady.