I Awoke Thinking I Was Holding You

Waltz #2 (XO) – Elliott Smith

Today I went down to the beach at Ashbridges Bay to celebrate Michelle’s birthday. It was perfect beach weather today. It was all very OC-esque, as many of my get-togethers with this particular group are. The sand was as hot as an oven top, but you got used to it after your nerves burnt out. At first, it was Michelle, her boyfriend Danny, David, Chris and myself. They immediately wanted to play volleyball. Ugh. Eventually I told them to bugger off and I decided to go walk along the shore.

Along the way I called Adriana, because I said I would. I’d talked to her on the phone a couple of other times and the results were about the same. She was abrupt and seemed to have little interest in conversing. I’m going to let myself think that she’s just not a phone person. Yeah, not a phone person, that’s it.

I also called Annia who, now that I think about it, I haven’t seen in a week or so. I call her almost every day, but it’s not the same. She’s going to Waterloo for the weekend, so I was hoping to catch her before she left. I miss her already.

When everyone else arrived, we chilled on the beach for a bit. This guy brought his dog, a golden retriever named Simba. I’m still afraid of dogs, but I make an effort to confront that fear whenever I can. I usually engage in some light petting and also see how long I can look into the beast’s eyes before it decides to maul me. I hate when people say, “My dog likes everybody.” This dog barked at me violently a couple of times. ALL dogs are like that. Afterwards, we walked back to the park area for a decent BBQ. I had one beer and I was red as a beet. So embarrassing. On the other hand, it also allowed me to pretend that I was drunk and talk shit to people. I could slap a guy in the face and they’d laugh and think, “This dude is HAMMERED!”

My friend Ping is as cute as hell. Her last boyfriend was a black guy, so I’m not even going to try.

Later, we decided to dive into the waters. As most of you probably know, Ashbridges Bay connects to Lake Ontario, which means that we were likely swimming in some combination of raw fuel and semen. Everyone was gradually wading in, getting their legs wet and all that. I got a good head of steam, burst past everyone and jumped in headfirst. Glorious.

By the way, I should mention that my role in this group is not the shy, quiet guy, as I had assumed I would be. I’m not even the skinniest guy. There are these two other guys named John and Tanh (no idea on the spelling) who are both wimpier and less involved than I. Just thought I’d let you know.

The day was wrapped up with some shirtless, all-dude, homoerotic, Top Gun style beach volleyball. After a couple of games, we played two games with some stakes on the line. One of the wages was that the other team had to do 5 push-ups with a guy from the other team on their back. GAY FACTOR +1!!! Since my team was good and I managed not to embarrass myself, we won every time.

*****

*sigh*

I can’t remember the last time I managed to sustain a consistent level of happiness for such a prolonged duration, but I’m oddly depressed because the only thing I can think of is when, and how it’s going to end.

*****

I beg you to accept my request…you may wonder what point there is to killing a man who is sentenced to death. My father’s soul is already at peace…but no. I want this done at my behest…true, Akaneko was my father’s enemy. And yet…trapped in the flames, this was my fate! Do you understand, good sir…? The depth of a woman’s hatred?