Winnipeg Chronicles #5: Psycho Killer, Qu’est-ce Que C’est?

And Me – Beastie Boys

On my personal list of Dos and Don’ts, you can highlight “Don’t go see a movie in the theatres by yourself” as a rule that I have stood firm on my entire life. When you think about it though, there isn’t much justification for that rule. Yes, sitting in a crowded theatre and laughing or crying with your party can make a movie more involving, but it’s not essential. It isn’t like you can engage in deep conversation during the film either, in fact the better the movie is the more inclined I am to tell whoever I’m with to shut their holes. Yet, I’ve always considered solitary theatrical film-viewing to be dangerously anti-social. That’s right, there’s actually an activity that I’m against because it’s anti-social. Please don’t ask me to explain myself.

So what is the difference between going out and watching a movie by yourself and going out and watching a UFC pay-per-view by yourself? That’s not a rhetorical question by the way, I’d really like someone to answer me because I’m definitely starting to creep out the employees and patrons at the local Boston Pizza.

There have been two UFC events on since I came out to Winnipeg and Derek has been unavailable for both of them. I’ve made passing inquiries towards my associates at the MMA gym, but since most of them have wives and kids to deal with, they’ve been a no-show so far. At first I was excited at the prospect of getting to watch one of these things by myself. I could sit down, eat at my own speed and take notes without anyone asking any questions. Sounds like an ideal scenario for a budding author like myself.

When I went last month it was strange enough because it was the day before Valentine’s Day. That had slipped my mind for some reason so when I went to the bar it took me a moment to process all the pink and red hearts that were scattered about. Luckily, I managed to find a seat that was mostly out of the way and the night went without incident.

Last Saturday, there was only one area left that was right next to the bar entrance. I felt bad because I think I was taking up four potential seats, but hey, nobody said anything so screw ’em. My waitress brought me two menus, which I found odd until I realized that she must have thought my friend or date was on their way. She would be sorely disappointed. Her cheery disposition seemed to wane as the night went along and she figured out that there was no friend and no date coming. I was one man, all alone, writing in my notepad and gorging myself on ice tea and a double order of chicken wings. When she brought me two plates, I should have shattered one against the wall and said, I won’t be needing this. She’s not coming. NOBODY IS FUCKING COMING. That would have been flat-out rude of me.

I also considered conjuring up some sob-story about how my now-dead girlfriend and I used to go out all the time to watch the UFC and share chicken wings and ice tea and that I left Toronto to escape those memories and that all I was really looking for these days was for someone to hold me so I could forget for one second the pain…the pain…the pain…but I’m still holding out hope that I’m not going to Hell so I decided to let that one go.

Besides, I did find myself momentarily entertained by this punk rock chick named Nikki who couldn’t help but ask what I was doing taking notes while watching grown men beat the crap out of each other. I explained that I’m looking to become a writer and that I wanted to write about fights. She told me she loved fights and that it was the coolest thing she’d ever heard. I have to admit, it is a pretty good story. Now if only I could actually get to the writing.

*****

Here are some MMA clips that I’m throwing up on the WAMBAG strictly for archiving purposes and also because of their awesomeness.

The infamous Toby Imada inverted triangle choke. This clip actually doesn’t do this moment justice because you’ve got to understand that Imada was getting his ass kicked until he managed to pull off this maneuver. This submission has apparently become an internet sensation, but I was lucky enough to catch the entire fight on television before hearing about it so I got to fully appreciate how insane it was.

This is the only double knockout in MMA that I’m aware of. This looks staged to me. I’m not an expert, but I don’t see how it’s physically possible for two people to hit each other with enough force at the same time to knock each other unconscious.

Lastly, David Gardner’s unforgettable greeting to the Japanese people. I plan to break out “Hello Winnipeg!” at my next MMA class.

Pro-choice is pro-death!
Wow! Great rhetoric!
Thank you.
Hey, you’re really hardcore, aren’t you?
Oh, well, you know. I mean, if you really want to see hardcore…
What’s this?
That’s the list of doctors I’m gonna kill.
There’s two already crossed out.
Yeah, I know.

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Destined to fight the world's evil, The WAMBAG endures massive battles involving impossible stunts, races on horse-pulled carriages, and the desecration of enchanting medieval castles (all done with dizzying computer graphics). Not only does the eye candy keep on coming, the tongue-in-cheek writing and deep Transylvanian accents perfect the film with a dose of dark humor.

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