What Happens In Winnipeg Stays In Winnipeg

Party For Two – Shania Twain

Two things prevent me from launching into a full recap of the events of this past weekend. First, I don’t know if my current memory of these events is even really that accurate. There was a lot of alcohol involved. Second, I don’t know if I did anything that I’m actually that proud of and want to record in this space. Again, there was a lot of alcohol involved. However I do want to thank my gracious hosts for showing us around town and cooking all sorts of delicious pork products for me to eat.

Of particular note was the Saturday night, where I felt Team Toronto represented itself very well both in the staging area at Moxie’s and also after full field deployment at Mystique Night Club, in the illustrious Exchange District of Winnipeg. I don’t really remember what was said and what jokes were made…only that they were pretty funny. True, it was only a handful of days ago, but that was also approximately six to eight drinks ago too, so I hope you can forgive me for not being clear on everything.

I do (explicitly) remember participating in some extracurricular activity during the walk from Moxie’s to Whiskey Dix/Mystique (Welcome to Winnipeg, home of the douchiest sounding clubs and lounges ever!) but the details of that must remain sealed, as part of a gentleman’s agreement between Derek, Asian Dan, and myself. This may or may not mean we had a quick homosexual tryst in a dark alley on-route – I can neither confirm nor deny this.

All I remember is that a some point during the night a group of U of M students bought me a tequila shot (and a chaser!), I could not stop patting people’s cheeks Godfather-style, and I got into a wacky conversation with the black washroom attendant which ended with him teaching me me a four step handshake for no reason. I think he was a leprechaun of some sort…because things started to get really crazy right after that, and when I turned around again he had magically vanished. That may have been because the door had closed behind me, but I honestly don’t know what the fuck was going anymore at that point.

The full details of the weekend can be retold by AL if he so chooses…he probably had a much more accurate and sober viewpoint on everything, so I feel it’s necessary to cede to his perspective in this case.

I don’t know how much of the magician act he caught though, when this sleazy pickup artist type dude tried to open our group with this magic trick routine. I’ll be honest you…I really don’t see how card tricks can be effective in a night club. You just come off looking like an idiot, especially if you don’t stack to the next bit. He almost immediately lost the group, and tragically the guy tried to lock me in with a watch trick instead of one of the girls in the group, so I was the only guy stuck there while everyone fled from him like he was on fire. Suggestion for next time…don’t try the stop the watch trick in a dark club, no one can see the second hand. My watch doesn’t even have a real second hand, incidentally. Not sure how much worse this guy could have bombed. I tried not to be an ass about it though, but I think I oversold my fake enthusiasm and everyone interpreted it as hilarious sarcasm instead. Oh well, at least one of us benefited from your silly magic tricks.

I have to admit I was getting tired of his shitfucking though…I mean the dude asked me to buy him a drink after he chased off my group. That is some serious audacity, especially after you try and take a super strong magnet to my watch for no reason. If he had taken out a clown nose, I would have stabbed him in the neck with a broken bottle, I’m not even kidding. Fucking douche, I hope you die alone.

I think that’s really all I can recall about Winnipeg.

You gotta pay the troll toll to get in!