I Have Been Writing This Post For Like Eight Days Now

I have been increasingly frustrated at work over the last…like eight to ten weeks, just dealing with this current project that refuses to die. I’m surrounded by people from other groups who I constantly need to educate how to do their jobs, and it’s making me grumpy. I would pray for large grand pianos to be dropped on their heads, but the cruel tragedy of that would be that I would just have to educate their replacements all over again (or worse…do it myself), and it’d be even more work for me in the long run. I work everyday with a whole legion of lazy assholes who enjoy just doing the absolute minimum required of them and passing the rest onto me. That’s MY bag! I am the lazy asshole who enjoys doing only the absolute minimum required of me and then shirk away from any real responsibilities – and now you are telling me YOU’RE trying to pull that shit with ME? No wonder we’ve had so many problems on this project.

I’m holding a lot of anger in my heart lately. There’s this little black ball of hate deep within my heart that grows daily, silently, just a little bit whenever I get cut off while driving, when the troll working the Tim Hortons cashier takes two entire minutes to make eye contact with me, whenever one of the guys on my fantasy basketball team has the audacity to sit out a game with a bruised ankle/hip/back…or just whenever life slights me in even the smallest way possible.

I’m even angry at myself. Part of that self-directed anger is because I know I’m heading down a path that will have no good outcome. Eventually this little black ball of hate will explode and I will act out my transgressions publicly, perhaps by drop kicking the next tester that tarnishes my good name by assigning another bullshit variance to me. But I think really the majority of this self-directed anger is from the fact that I foolishly bought Mass Effect 2 over Steam like two weeks ago, and I haven’t even touched it yet. Between replaying the first Mass Effect, MLB 10: The Show which I just bought as well (WHAT AM I DOING), and countless other games and televisions series I need to get through…there was no way I would had the necessary spare time to touch this game for months. And yet knowing all that, I still bought it new and at full price. They were all right – the biggest consumer disadvantage of digital distribution will forever remain the constant threat of the impulse buy. Absolutely inexcusable. I am livid with self-hatred.

Here are other things that have happened recently that I am angry at.

– Damn you Hollywood, for this retardedly transparent cash grab that is the Tron Legacy movie. There was not a single Tron fan out there that was clamouring for a movie sequel to be made, don’t lie – this market demand was artificially created by the same people that supply it. All the people that watched the original movie 28 years ago have to be like in their 40’s now…and that demographic has no purchase power in the movie industry, what the fuck! Cult following…shut the fuck up, these former nerds are dealing with RRSPs and 401Ks now YOUR CULT IS EMPTY. I’m a rather promiscuous movie watcher, but when I dislike a movie…oh man, I will hold a movie grudge for decades and decades until I’m old and forget why I was holding the grudge in the first place. (Fuck you The Last Airbender – fuck you and fuck your racist cast!) All the initial teasers and trailers looked so lame too, and I was fully prepared to dismiss and grudge against this movie as much as I humanly could.

That was until I saw the new trailer and now I can’t wait for this movie. DAMN YOU HOLLYWOOD. Damn you and your surefire manipulating methods! I had no idea Olivia Wilde was actually the hottest woman on Earth until I saw a one second long clip of her with weird dark hair, laser sleeves, and boots. And that couch… I have no idea what’s happening here in my brain, but THAT COUCH…I am drawn to it like a moth to a fantastically white hot flame. What’s interesting to note is that everything happening in the trailer up to her one second long appearance is lame as hell. But then everything afterwards is really, really cool! I don’t really know what happens, but during that one second long appearance, a switch gets thrown in my mind and now…I really want to watch Tron Legacy. Or more specifically I really want to watch Olivia Wilde sit on a couch in Tron Legacy.

And bringing back Jeff Bridges, making the movie about his son, and having it all work out in real time? That’s kind of cool, isn’t it?

It’d be like making a new Matrix sequel in 2027, and bringing back Keanu Reeves to play the same character but making the movie about his kid. …actually, that wouldn’t really work as well because Keanu Reeves does not age.

Anyway, damn you Hollywood for selling this stupid movie to me by teasing me with a one second long clip of Olivia Wilde sitting on a couch.

…what a couch though. (Did I just inadvertently reveal my secret sexual fetish for chesterfields and ottomans? Oh well…no regrets.)

– The TTC crapped out last Thursday, so I had to walk up to Bloor from Dundas. That also happened to be the one day I had forgotten my iPod at home. Sonuva bee, JC! Not a total loss though, as this then gave me an opportunity to peruse the two (Grey Region closed!?!) Yonge Street comic book stores on the way there. Unfortunately, this led to perhaps the most awkward exchange I have ever had with any of the staff at the Hairy Tarantula after I had picked up my comics, paid, and started to leave.

Her: Thanks, and have a nice weekend!
Me: (thinking that I still had work tomorrow on Friday but not realizing I wouldn’t be back here until next week) …what.
Her: Oh, it’s supposed to rain this weekend.
Me: Really?
Her: Yeah, but they said it was supposed to rain today as well…and…*mumble*
Me: …uh, as long as it’s warm, I guess. I gotta walk up…*mumble mumble*…subway.
Her: What?
Me: Huh?
Her: *mumble something mumble*
Me: Uh.
Her: (pause for five entire seconds)
Me: (pause for five addition entire seconds)
Both: Okay, see you later.

Granted, I’m already usually the antisocial regular who comes in, buys his stuff, says nothing to anyone, and walks out – same deal at my barbershop, family doctor, shawarma dude, whatever. It’s after work, I’m tired, I’m already a little bit ashamed that I’m spending money to pick up an issue of Pet Avengers, I don’t want to have to think of things to say and seem clever/funny/witty/whatever. Clearly, as you could tell from the above transcript…things get ugly when I mail in conversations. There’s no autopilot, there’s just fall-out-of-the-sky-and-crash. This all started on the Wednesday before Winnipeg, when one of the girls there told me she grew up there. I asked her how the weather was (“Cold.”) made some hilarious Winnipeg jokes (“OMG it’s so cold there!” LOLOLOLOL) and now that they think I’m friendly (or that I speak English), they all want to talk to me when I come in. It’s horrible, I think I need to find another place to buy comics.

– Also, at One Million Comix (God, you degrade us both for naming your store that) further up on Yonge, I saw this absolutely jaw droppingly hot blonde girl hanging out with this very tall yet very diminutive, skinny, pseudo-hipster mess of an Asian guy in the figurines and collectibles section of the store. And she was saying things like “I don’t have the Ronan The Accuser mini-bust yet, I need to pick that up – he’s so cool.”

Shut the fuck up, you impossibly hot and nerdy woman. You are literally murdering this man – slowly, bit by bit everyday – as he flails away trapped in what must be the absolute worst FriendZoneā„¢ to ever exist. Ronan The Accuser…man, what the fuck, there’s no way that really happened. I was on some Just For Laughs hidden camera prank or something. No female is allowed to know who Ronan The Accuser is (unless she was forced to listen to her boyfriend prattle on endlessly about him – vice versa, how I know who Marc Jacobs is) and still be anything less than morbidly obese or hideously ugly, much less actually attractive looking.

I’m calling super creepy transsexual transformation process (warning: clicking that link will make you question a lot of things…about the world, and about yourself).

– I stopped by Wendy’s a few days ago for the standard working overtime fast food dinner.

(I was surprised when I realized this was actually the first time I’ve had fast food in months. I didn’t even know they had introduced the Bacon & Blue…which despite the negativity expressed in that review, was actually quite good. Wendy’s, it was a risky move launching the first blue-cheese-topped burger among national quick-service chains…but once again, you deliver and delight.)

While I was there, I watched a man (who looked almost exactly like Stephen Merchant from Extras) deconstruct his Baconator and proceed to eat each individual strip of bacon separately. I assume it was a Baconator, because I witnessed him maliciously eat at least like five strips of bacon with his bare fingers from across the restaurant, and as we all know, the Baconator is the only nationwide big name burger with six (6) strips of delicious Applewood smoked bacon between a premium fresh bun. After finishing the bacon, he then proceeded to put the rest of the burger back together and then eat it as a standard double cheeseburger.

…why do something like this?

Look, I love bacon as much as the next man. Maybe more, in fact. My girlfriend made me delicious chocolate covered bacon for Valentine’s Day. It’s Planet Earth’s greatest renewable resource. You can eat it. You can make chips , cake, or absolutely delicious looking turtles from it. You can make NFL championship trophies out of it or alarm clocks. The sky is the limit when it comes to bacon. I get that. I know that better than anybody.

But this…not this. Anything but this. To destroy the integrity of a Baconator for your own selfish, uncontrolled lust for bacon…that is a line you cannot cross. This is when a man’s obsession for the cured belly meat of a pig, his “baconoholism” if you will, starts destroying his life. Just sickening to even consider.

I hope that man burns in hell.

– I just looked at the 2010 Blue Jays schedule today…and I want to deliver a punch to the face to whoever is the guy who comes up with these things. Are you seriously telling me the season opener is going to be at 2:05 PM on a Monday? In Texas against the Rangers…? So that anyone with a regular job in Toronto is unable to watch it? And then a sudden off day on Tuesday? Why!?! And FUCKING AGAIN, the Canada Day weekend…the Jays are on the road. But of course.

Am I ready for Jose Bautista and his career .329 OBP batting lead-off, and seeing Vernon Wells and his limp dick 88 OPS+ drive him in from the clean-up spot? YOU BETCHA! I hate you, late 2000’s Cito Gaston, for completely ruining any positive memories I had of you from the early 1990’s.

– Commuting home last week on the subway, I witnessed a man sitting down and watching a video on his iPhone. (Do people just have normal iPods now anymore?) What was so odd about it was that he was holding it with only three fingers, extending his arm parallel to the ground such that the 3.5″ screen was a good two feet away from his face. And he held that position for like 40 straight minutes, as if he was a tireless robot or something. Why hold it in such a confusing, pretentious manner? As if it was some sort of sly invitation for the entire subway car to share in his viewing, like he was showing off this marvelous technological marvel and how he was so cool in being able to watch a movie on the subway. It’s a fucking iPod, get over yourself.

You know what? Fuck you, you Titanic watching motherfucker. Titanic! With Leo and that other fat chick, THE Titantic! What was the thought process? “You know what’s a good movie that I need to watch again? Titanic! Especially now that James Cameron’s gonna roll through the Oscars with Avatar – I need to rewatch all his previous movies!” Or maybe he has just never seen it before, like me? But then where does the motivation for watching it at all now come from? Like all of a sudden, 13 years after it came out, you feel the need to revisit this movie? Or was he on a mission to rewatch every movie to have ever existed and just randomly, by chance, I happened to catch him on the day he goes through all the movies starting with the letter ‘T’ perhaps? Like if you catch it on television and you’re bored or you’ve never watched it and you’re curious…okay, I understand that scenario. But to download it and covert it to the right file format and to add it to iTunes and synch it up to your iPod? For TI-FUCKING-TANIC? I DON’T GET IT. WHO HOLDS STUFF LIKE THAT!?!

Hatred is flowing through my veins. That, or I’m having a stroke.

…I should probably lie down.

“Is that a penis in your pants?”
“Yeah.”
“You lied to me.”
“No I didn’t, you lied to me. You don’t work out? Please, I see you at the gym, you’re ripped.”
“Wait don’t turn this around…wait, really? You think so?”
“Yeah.”
“I was afraid I was getting a little TOO ripped, you know?”
“No, I like it.”
“Wow. Hmm. Well I gotta get back to work, um…but I don’t know, maybe I’ll give you a call sometime.
“Okay.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll give you a call.”

One Comment


  1. […] honestly, what do I know? I posted this six months ago. Am I ready for Jose Bautista and his career .329 OBP batting lead-off, and seeing Vernon Wells and […]

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Destined to fight the world's evil, The WAMBAG endures massive battles involving impossible stunts, races on horse-pulled carriages, and the desecration of enchanting medieval castles (all done with dizzying computer graphics). Not only does the eye candy keep on coming, the tongue-in-cheek writing and deep Transylvanian accents perfect the film with a dose of dark humor.

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