The Chimera Is Born

That is my new nickname for the Miami Heat free agent trio, by the way – the monstrous fire breathing, three headed creature of Greek myth. LeBron is obviously the lion, Wade is the black mamba-like serpent, and Chris Bosh is the useless and seemingly out of place goat head.

Also I’m sure there are some shoddy metaphors relating breathing fire with a team called the Heat that I can further force in here… It’s clearly not my finest work, but I’m going to stick with it regardless.

I don’t know, I think I just wanted to call Chris Bosh a goat, even if his new girlfriend is kind of hot (…right?). There is also a picture of Michael Bay pitching Pearl Harbor 2 to Chris Bosh there as well, which really quite delighted me.

I am really enjoying this whole insane 2010 NBA offseason right now. But just from the perspective of an NBA fan in general, not as a Raptors fan. There’s really nothing to be excited about Raptors-wise for like the rest of the decade, so I’ve kind of mentally clocked out already…I’m here rooting for them in body, just not in spirit.

This is really my NBA dream offseason come to reality. Every year we hear about professional athletes whine about wanting to win at all costs, how they’re winners and would do anything to win…and then they turn around and force their teams to pay them $25 million a year to throw balls through a net three nights a week, and then complain again when their team has no more money left to bring in help for them. When Kevin Garnett was stuck in Minnesota, we all admired his loyalty…but on the other hand I couldn’t help but keep thinking what if he just ditched the Timberwolves, signed with the Spurs for $10 million, and then just spent a season dominating the league with Tim Duncan on their way to a championship? And then after that, you’d be free to do whatever you’d want. It happens all the time.

We eventually found out how it’d be with Garnett much later when he finally got traded to Boston, but by that time it was almost too late. He’s old and busted now. We all got a taste and learned that anything is possible, but now we’re still asking what if he got out of their earlier? When both Paul Pierce and Ray Allen were also both younger? It never happens in the prime of an NBA player’s career – we always have to settle for counterfeit “superteams” where washed up veterans like Gary Payton and Karl Malone sell their dignity for sidekick jobs in the twilight of their careers.

Well it’s finally happened. Two perennial MVP candidates (and one perennial All-Star, I guess) have finally teamed up in the prime of their careers, in a partnership together, instead of a free ride for one of them. (Well, maybe for Bosh.) LeBron’s goes and leaves over $30 million on the table and says that it’s because he wants to win…and fans call him a quitter. Maybe if they didn’t boo him in the last game he played in Cleveland, I’d feel more sympathy for them. Not that they weren’t completely unjustified in booing him…but still, probably not the proper message to convey at that time. And like any owner of a sports franchise knows anything about loyalty, continually screwing fans over with overpriced venues and concessions…let’s be real. Honestly, the fan reaction of LeBron leaving Cleveland has been surprisingly…heated.

I mean yes, why would you ever want to leave Cleveland? I know, I know, it’s such an attractive city. But nobody said there wouldn’t be sacrifice.

Although the unnecessarily excessively attention whoring he did with booking an hour of television time to announce a one word decision probably contributed to everyone’s general dislike for him. Even if Kobe already essentially did the same thing back in 2004, cockteasing the Clippers just like LeBron did to the Knicks.

At least I’m having fun. Like I said, every offseason I’m wondering why no one does this…and there’s always endless excuses – guys want to max out their contracts, they want their own teams, they want their numbers…whatever. But I get it and I understand it, even if it runs contrary to their frequently stated, alleged primary goal of winning a championship.

Now suddenly…someone’s actually done it. Is this not awesome? I think it’s pretty awesome. I’m jumping on the Heat bandwagon, I don’t care – FORM OF CHIMERA ATTACK!

And it’s not even for the thrill of rooting for a winning team, although that would be a welcome change in my life. I support their realization of my NBA dream. I couldn’t care less about the actual on-court success of the team, although they would be pretty fun to watch as well. LeBron, Wade, and Bosh essentially just want to live out their real life Entourage fantasies, winning championships with their buddies together in Miami. MIAMI!!! THAT is what I’m rooting for. How can you hate them for that? If I was working the same dead end job for seven years surrounded by a bunch of incompetent idiots, and had a chance to work for another employer located in South Beach instead, along with a (much, much, much) better group of colleagues, you’d be fucking stupid to think I wouldn’t bolt right away. I wouldn’t even have had the decency to pretend I was carefully considering all my options for a few days. I would just disappear, and by the time you’d hear about me, I’d already be in Florida. Anyone else would do the exact same, given the choice.

It’s the easy way out. And that’s why it’s so genius! Fuck everyone else, just do what you want! All this “legacy” talk is bullshit anyway. In the end, the only things that matter are (a) do you have a championship ring or not, and (b) how many?

Not to say it’s automatic every year now. The actual logistics of the rest of the team should still be pretty interesting to follow. If all the Chimera heads take a few million less than the max ($15ish million), then they’ll be able to fit Mike Miller in (for say, five years $30 million) and also maybe a Kurt Thomas type guy as well for the remaining $5-6 million, or resign Udonis Haslem with it. And then the challenge is to see how you can fill in the rest of the roster with minimum contracts and NBDL All-Stars. (Anthony Tolliver, Reggie Williams?) The great thing is that the fun has only just begun. Now we wait to see how many ring chasing bitches crawl out of the woodwork to whore for Miami. Since this puts them over the salary cap, the only way they can improve year to year is to add draft picks and one MLE signing a year to fill out their depth. It’s almost like the NBA version of American Idol – who gets to ride the Chimera? Only one winner a year. The fun doesn’t stop, it goes every year for the entire duration of their new contracts.

Or at least until the current collective bargaining agreement expires at the end of the upcoming season. Considering the insane spending spree we’re seeing now, ($34 million to Amir Johnson, $55 million to Brendan Haywood, $82 million to Rudy Gay!?!) chances are we’ll never even see the 2011-2012 NBA season.

But maybe the Blue Jays will be good by then.

I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE

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Destined to fight the world's evil, The WAMBAG endures massive battles involving impossible stunts, races on horse-pulled carriages, and the desecration of enchanting medieval castles (all done with dizzying computer graphics). Not only does the eye candy keep on coming, the tongue-in-cheek writing and deep Transylvanian accents perfect the film with a dose of dark humor.

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