I Wear My Sunglasses At Night

There’s a lot of weird subtleties about laser eye surgery that are often forgotten amid all the big stuff. It’s a weird feeling being able to see your alarm clock while you’re still lying in bed. Usually when I wake during the night there is a lot of guesswork involved if I want to determine what time it is, since you’re usually way too tired to reach over for your glasses. After years and years I have eventually gotten a pretty good sense of which hour of sleep I’m waking up from, and what the difference is between waking up at 4:00 AM and waking up at 7:00 AM. Normal people with functioning eyes likely do not have this skillset – they’ve never needed it. And now, neither do I.

They gave me these goggles to wear while I sleep for my first week post-surgery. They’re nicely shaded as well, since light sensitivity is a real bitch while your corneas recover from laser rape. The goggles are so that I don’t accidentally rub my eyes during the night and undue all that horrific surgery. So now I put on glasses when I sleep, and I take them off when I wake. It is a strange feeling to get used to.

One thing that I’ve already realized that I miss about glasses…I can no longer give people that pretentiously dismissive look over the top of my glasses that means “I have no interest in what you are talking about right now but I will continue to listen purely for my own amusement.” That kind of bums me out.

Let us now move onto the links.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis with Steve Carell. Nothing more to be said.

– Someone please buy me this “amazing jacket” so that I can finally realize my dream of wearing a chinchilla fur coat adorned with NBA team logos crafted from crocodile skin. All it needs is some ivory buttons and Dalmatian skin lining. Apparently it is XXL, but will fit someone 3X, and they will cut it down to XL or L at no extra charge. How that is possible, I am not sure, but the shipping is free so it sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

– Here is a video of UFC middleweight Alan Belcher demonstrating a rear naked choke on an infant. Presumably this is his daughter Ava Elize, although I don’t want to make any assumptions…it could be some other infant named Ava, completely unrelated to him. I don’t know if infant sparring is regularly part of Belcher’s camp…though considering he’s won bonuses in each of his last four fights, maybe there is some merit to it.

– Check out this trailer for Up In The Air 2. I am having trouble watching this trailer without laughing…but I’m not sure why, I don’t really think it’s supposed to be funny. Or should this be Jersey Girl 2…? I cannot imagine any scenario that will involve me watching this movie. I don’t know if there’s any real amusement here, I just wanted to post this so that I could make that sequel joke.

EDIT: Ah crap, Trailer Addict commenters already beat me to the joke. Well fuck the world.

– Also, if you haven’t seen it yet, then I highly suggest watching this teaser for Drive Angry 3D. In fact, I insist you watch it. There are just so many levels of brilliance at work here…the casting, the dialog, the quality of the effects, the title, the 3Dness, the sheer unapologetic ambition of it all…I am really excited about this, I’m not even kidding.

GQ interviews Bill Murray. Just read it, you won’t regret it. The man is endlessly entertaining, even just in print.

– I guess this means Eastbound and Down is close to returning (September 26th, according to Wikipedia)…Kenny Powers gets signed by K-Swiss. This is actually a pretty awesome idea, because now I think I kind of want some cool K-Swiss kicks now. I now also want to kick Urijah Faber’s decapitated head out into the audience of a MMA event.

Don’t switch the blade on the guy in shades
Oh no

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Destined to fight the world's evil, The WAMBAG endures massive battles involving impossible stunts, races on horse-pulled carriages, and the desecration of enchanting medieval castles (all done with dizzying computer graphics). Not only does the eye candy keep on coming, the tongue-in-cheek writing and deep Transylvanian accents perfect the film with a dose of dark humor.

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