A Long December

How were all of our 2011’s? Not too bad, right? And if it wasn’t so hot for you, there’s still reason to believe that this year will be better than the last.

I remember absolutely nothing about mine. But I think it was pretty good.

I think 2012’s going to be even better though. Cheers to the new year, let’s bring it home.

– The seven highest grossing movies this year were sequels and depending on where Sherlock Holmes and Mission: Impossible end up, there could be more. The results speak for themselves – there is zero incentive to make original properties now in Hollywood. But it’s been a pretty wonderful year for movies, hasn’t it? …wasn’t it? I can’t remember. So let’s revisit 2011 in a big trailer mash-up and reminisce about how great Real Steel was. Movie of the year.

– And Thor was okay too…? Does anyone remember anything about that movie? And now apparently the Thor 2 director will now be the guy who directed Game of Thrones? Or more specifically, the guy who directed two of ten Game of Thrones episodes? Hurr…ay? He should actually be better known as a director for Mad Men, but I guess this headline sells the story better? But can you honestly say it would be more interesting to see Thor mixed with Game of Thrones instead of Thor mixed with Mad Men? Is there anything that doesn’t improve after mixing with Mad Men? Was making every sentence in this paragraph a question just coincidence, by design, or just something I started by accident and decided to keep running with? Will anyone ever know?

– And whoa, Ahnuld is returning with a few movies next year, including one called Black Sands in which he plays “a kind of angel” and is supposed to be…a cross between Constantine and Commando in which he is raging war against weapons dealers as an immortal instrument of death…? So that sounds good, maybe. I think somewhere down the line I’ve lost the ability to distinguish whether I like a movie legitimately or ironically. Perhaps it’s better this way.

– Apparently a new book coming out alleges that Richard Nixon was gay, which gets me very excited about the potential material this gives late night comedy shows. There’s a lot of wacky conjecture and boring filler in the article, but the core of these allegations seems to come from here…

In months, the pair were inseparable, holidaying with Nixon’s wife Pat — and without her. Rebozo became an ‘uncle figure’ to the Nixons’ two daughters, Tricia and Julie. The dapper Cuban-American chose Nixon’s clothes and even selected the films he watched at the White House.

On Nixon’s solo visits to Key Biscayne, they swam and sunbathed, indulging in their shared passions for discussing Broadway musicals and barbecuing steaks.

Honestly, it’s kind of ridiculous that you can’t go swimming and discuss musicals one-on-one with another dude who picks out your clothes without being called gay. Those are pretty baseless accusations. There is absolutely nothing gay about hanging out with another dude at the beach talking about musicals, it’s ridiculous. Who does that anyway? Ridiculous. You should all be ashamed of yourselves, that is a completely heterosexual thing to do.

– I thought this thing about video game themed cocktails was a fun read, if just for the visual of the Portal 2 drinkies. Though I think my favourite was the Batman one because of the concept of multiple shots based on each of the villains you have to defeat through the game. That would be a pretty great idea at a party (or just by yourself on an alcoholic night in), going through a gauntlet of shots, reliving Batman’s challenges in Batman: Arkham City by taking a shot for every major villain in the game. Or even better, relive Knightfall, where he fights like thirty guys in a row and ends up with his back broken. The last drink is Bane, which is like a monstrous thing based on a triple of dark rum (because he is born in a Caribbean prison and is evil?) and anyone left standing after that and looking for more can then take on a series of generic ninjas by chugging sake bombs until they die. You’ll be the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one they need. I want to imagine a world in which this is common place in university dorms, where like five alcohol intolerant nerds across the country die each year trying to make it through The Knightfall Gauntlet, because they got sucked into the idea of a Batman themed drinking game.

– There’s been a disturbance in the fragile ecological world of gamer nerds lately, regarding a wacky email exchange between a customer and some PR representative for Ocean Marketing who handle the promotion for these custom peripherals that fit over your Xbox controllers that blah blah blah…and at some point it was forwarded to Mike Krahulik (“Gabe”) of Penny Arcade who then inserted himself into it. Anyway, pretty crazy read just at face value – I’m trying to keep track of all this, but I’m not up 100% on it all. Apparently these guys, N-Control, hired Ocean Marketing (who may or may not be part owners?) to promote their product…which is a company that apparently turns out to consist of only this one crazy dude. And apparently they also hired another marketing company called The HAND Media (those fucking ninjas are in the advertising business now too!?!) which then fired them as clients (you can “fire” clients!?!) because they knew this was coming…? All I know is that it’s always hilarious to see guys who work in customer service go in the complete opposite direction, and this dude certainly does that.

I’m also in awe of Gabe’s stance after the guy breaks down and apologies after he’s banned from PAX, in which he (Gabe) essential says he doesn’t give a shit about people who come at Penny Arcade and that he will personally burn everything he’s made to the fucking ground if he can catch these assholes in the flames. Oh wait, he actually says that. GODDAMN, that is some world class hate. That is pure venom – I respect it, I love it, and I appreciate it. And don’t think for a second that I won’t hesitate to do the same. I will absolutely burn down the entirety of The WAMBAG media empire and sacrifice all of its considerable value if I can take someone I don’t like down with me.

I mean I can’t really think of anyone I particularly dislike right now, but I will absolutely do it if it came to it, don’t question that. The best part of this entire thing of course is that the actual product involved is designed for the crippled and the disabled, who are the real losers at the end of all this internet sword fighting. There’s just so many different comedic angles to this thing, it’s amazing.

And it’s one more day up in the canyon
And it’s one more night in Hollywood
It’s been so long since I’ve seen the ocean
I guess I should