The One Where Joey Shoots Chandler

I guess Ross is the third roommate in this scenario…? I don’t know, we’ll get to that later.

Oh man, sweater vests are fantastic. I’ve realized that when I wear them over dress shirts and I roll up the sleeves…I really only need to iron the collars. The rest of the shirt underneath is wrinkled as shit, but no one ever knows and I even look classier than if I just had the shirt. These things are genius.

– Someone made a custom Mass Effect Monopoly board, which I am obligated to post here in lieu of actual Mass Effect content. Regardless, I am fully confident that this link will provide you with at least five to ten seconds of entertainment. Instead of “GO TO JAIL”, it’s instead “COLLECTOR SPACE ATTACK / GO DIE IN SPACE” which is great, and Chance and Community Chest have been replaced by Cerberus Tasks and Alliance Missions. This amuses me.

– Remember Pingu? And remember John Carenter’s 1982 horror movie about the shape-shifting alien called The Thing? Well if you don’t then I happy to provide you with the unique opportunity to revisit both properties at the same time. What would possess someone to create this? I don’t really care, I’m just happy they did.

– How about another 2011 in film mash-up? Let’s do it! I mean I know I just posted one up, but I have to say, the production quality here is just way too slick not to put up. And check out the videos for all the previous years in film…I lost like half an hour going through them all. Really great stuff, almost makes me forget how crappy 2011 was for movies. I mean truly, honestly….I have trouble thinking of a movie I enjoyed more than Real Steel this year. X-Men: First Class? Super 8? Moneyball or 50/50 maybe? I can’t even say. The Academy Awards are going to be WIDE OPEN this year. The year in comedy wasn’t great either – Bridesmaids, 30 Minutes or Less, or Horrible Bosses. One of those three is your pick for comedy of the year (if you count Fast Five as a straight action movie), and true to Hollywood form, they’re already moving towards making sequels for two of them. Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson, and Your Highness also came out this year, if that gives you any more context.

Oh man, Your Highness was such a massive, crippling disappointment…that alone proves how bad 2011 was. I apologize to everyone for even bringing it up again.

– Not content to only be the greatest pitcher in the history of human civilization, Doc Halladay also rescued some dude from an anaconda attack? And apparently he also goes on Brazilian fishing trips with Chris Carpenter and BJ Ryan? The article also notes that they both shot a caiman, which I originally misunderstood to be like a tribesman indigenous to the rainforest there, which frankly made more sense to me. That’s what I suspect and hope all millionaires are doing down there, hunting the greatest prey in the world: man.

– I feel like I kind of missed the opportunity to do some stupid stuff with the beard. I mean not that specifically, but I’m sure there’s all sorts of asshole tomfoolery I missed out on. Just wanted to post that because I thought it was weird that a punch works backwards from a slap.

– Okay, so here’s how this story goes…some dude in Utah gets drunk at 2:00 AM, sees a mouse run around his kitchen counter, and opens fire on it with 9 mm handgun. Unsurprisingly, he misses the mouse and instead shoots his roommate in the chest, who is apparently in the restroom in the middle of the night on the other side of the wall. Emergency services are summoned and upon searching the house, they discover a 13 year-old girl hiding in a closet that their third roommate (a 34 year-old) has been having sex with for the last four months.

He is arrested, the second roommate recovers at a hospital, and charges are pending for the first guy.

The fourth roommate sleeps through the entire thing.

Police declare the mouse a hero.

This is the darkest episode of Friends ever.

I’ll be there for you
When the rain starts to pour
I’ll be there for you
Like I’ve been there before
I’ll be there for you
Cause you’re there for me too