John Cho Would Make A Great Ryu

It was pretty big news for me when the Monk was revealed as the fourth character for Diablo 3, since I’ve been starving for any scraps of Diablo 3 related news since it was announced in June 2008. On one hand, I’m ecstatic to get any Diablo 3 news at all, especially full gameplay videos instead of just cryptic concept art…but on the other hand, it’s not even coming out in 2010. I’d almost rather wallow in ignorance, not agonizingly counting down the days until this game takes over and ruins my life. Honestly, who announces a game three years before it’s released?

But am I just crazy, paranoid, and racist (yes, yes, and yes) or does the Monk just look like Pau Gasol at an Asian costume party? Using the same deductive skills that have led me to conclude that the featured Wizard character is an Asian female…I conclude that the Monk is clearly not Asian, even though his wardrobe clearly is. That beard is brown! And is the male wizard Asian? You tell me – he looks more like one of the random white douches you see at sleazy clubs. Once again, the prominence of the Asian female in popular culture comes at the cost of the Asian male, who continues to be criminally underrepresented. (Fuck you and your bullshit movie, M Night Shyamalamadingdong! Signs was a good one though.)

Fuck you, Blizzard! The Asian male population is your biggest demographic (mainly the South Korean StarCrafters and the Chinese WOW goldfarmers) and you can’t throw us one damn bone? Our money paid for the development of this game! Unless the last character class is the Nerdy Asian Ranger, I want you to know that I will be supporting your business and buying this game and logging thousands of hours into it under protest because of your racial insensitivity. Imagine if the Witch Doctor was just another pasty white guy wearing a necklace made of vaginas and other miscellaneous tribal garb – would it still be so well received? So fuck you, Blizzard, and hurry up and make this fucking game already!

I will now angrily present the rest of this post’s links.

– This is the magical Double Down Chicken “Sandwich” I’ve been hearing about, although I have been unable to find it in local KFC’s so far. I bet biting into this monster is like looking into the face of God and seeing Him smiling back and saying, “You are my most wondrous creation.” Emu, if you find this in Columbus KFC’s I’m going to ask you to FedEx me a few.

– When I run things, I’m going to make Pon De Floor by Major Lazer part of the standard curriculum for sexual education. I don’t really know why, I just figure it’d make the world a more interesting place to live. The Oozinator will also be brought back and introduced at the elementary school level to help prepare and transition children into these crucial life lessons.

This product also resembles something related to sex. Hahaha! Although for some bizarre reason I cannot explain, this amateur parody seems even funnier to me.

– And…I don’t know, I think I’m on a roll here, don’t want to break the cipher. Penis Shark!

This post took a weird turn at the end there.

We’re going to pull together, and we’re going to find a way to get outta here! First, we’re gonna seal off this pool –