The Calzone

Man, I watched the Christmas episode of Parks and Recreation some time last week, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about calzones since. At some point Adam Scott says “man, I love me some calzone” which I don’t even think is supposed to be a joke or anything other than a random filler line, but I can’t get it out of my head and I’ve been desperately angling to get my grubby mitts on some calzone ever since. Today will be the day that I love me some calzone.

…man, my life is fucking boring as hell.

EDIT: Had to settle for a panzarotti instead. I don’t know the difference. I was actually trying to figure it out on Wikipedia when I found this little ditty under the Canada section…

The Panzarotti or ‘Panz’ has also become highly popular among the youth of Nova Scotia. The Donair Paz and dub che panz are two highly popular styles along with the very daring poutine panz which was first created by Jim Ceb. Other popular styles are traditional pizza (pep,bac,mush) as well as a desert panzarotti or desertarotti.

So the next time you are in Nova Scotia and hanging out with some youths, up your street cred by suggesting that you all go get your panz on. That would be totally swag, homeskillet.

– Do you watch Archer? You should, it’s amazing. I tell people this all the time, but no one listens. Anyway, there now exists a book (like a real paper-filled book) called How to Archer: The Ultimate Guide to Espionage and Style and Women and Also Cocktails Ever Written. The author is even listed as Sterling Archer, and there’s an author biography for him and everything. Go ahead and pre-order it for like $10, because fuck it, why not?

– This might be one of the greatest treats the internet’s blessed me with in a long time. Great Moments in NBA History recreated in MS Paint – revel and enjoy. Unfortunately, an intermediate to advanced knowledge of NBA history might be required to actually enjoy this to its full extent. But it’s pretty easy to get the gist.

– Last month, a Chicago man was arrested for allegedly breaking into Chicago White Sox general manager Kenny Williams’ house. Dude did some pretty fucked up things while he was in there too.

Field apparently made himself at home. Police found him wearing Williams’ clothes and the GM’s 2005 World Series ring. He also apparently defrosted a lobster.

This incident occurred between Nov. 18 and 21 while Williams was out of town, police said.

Williams confirmed the incident and said the man drank his beer, ate frozen pizza, surfed the internet and kicked his shoes off on the bed.

You don’t just defrost another man’s lobster, that’s just some monstrous, inhuman levels of depravity right there. When I put a lobster in my fridge, I expect it to remain there, frosting. Imagine coming home to find it out of the fridge, de-frosting…having your entire sense of the world broken like that, knowing that nothing in your life is sacred or safe from a perversion like that…how do you carry on?

Two weeks later, Kenny Williams traded White Sox closer Sergio Santos to Toronto for top pitching prospect Nestor Molina. Who knows if this weighed heavily on his mind throughout negotiations? A man might quickly lose perspective – what use is a great closer if there’s nothing worth saving? He used his internet! Who knows how much of his monthly 60 GB limit this psychopath used up? Or do they not have bandwidth limits in America? Either way, it’s a violation – maybe he didn’t seed his torrents or whatever, we just don’t know!

– Remember how Gerald Butler ruined our plans of producing a movie called Playing the Field wherein an aging athlete reassess his ways of playing the field (re: women) after the main love interest leaves him…or…something similar, I can’t remember, I was three pitchers in when we came up with this. I know we were going to offer the starring role to Derek Jeter in which he would be playing himself or an incredibly close facsimile of himself? The first part of the movie has already happened; he’s split with Minka Kelly (after an incredible first ballot Hall of Fame hookup career already) and is now feeling sorry for himself. Actually he probably isn’t feeling that bad, the tabloids are still saying he’s banging through all sorts of hood rats (Jeter’s hood rats are probably still just aspiring supermodels instead of professional ones).

Say what you want about his overrated defense or overblown intangibles or his actual value as a baseball player (although no full-time shortstop has accumulated higher WAR than Jeter since 2000)…but leaving your one-night stands autographed swag in gift bags in the limos you kick them out into the next morning is the most baller-ass thing ever. Jeter’s the best, how can you not live in complete awe of him? I can’t hate him, I have too much respect for him.

“Why don’t you just have someone else get the calzones?”
“Because the next thing you know Steinbrenner will be having lunch with him. You know how these interoffice politics work.”
“No, I’ve never had a job.”