Yak adds two rookies to bolster rotation

The WAMBAG Press

TORONTO, ON — Choking Yak announced today the signing of two new rookies to help soldify his team for the coming season.

Lebron is wearing a hat.

The Minnesota Twins rookie was drafted from New Era to split playing time with the Blue Jays veteran, who was the first option for most of last season. The rookie is not expected to replace him, but will be able be able to play as a solid second option behind him, and even step up in games missed by injuries or other factors. Choking Yak reiterated this point during the press conference in front of his bathroom mirror. “Let me just set this straight – no one can replace the Blue Jays cap on this team. We’ve had a strong tradition of Blue Jays caps, dating back to over a decade. But the fact is, he’s an aged veteran who’s showing signs of wear. He might be able to play out the entirety of next season, but we felt it was better to bring aboard the rookie to cut down on his minutes, and to ease a new franchise player in as the full-time first option when the Blue Jays cap does eventually retire.” Choking Yak also mentioned that during tough stretches at the beginning of the season – say, rainy days – the veteran is expected to get the nod and the majority of the playing time until the rookie is broken in.

It was also announced that Yak also signed a Raptors rookie from undistinguished Reebok to come off the bench as a situational specialist. “I feel that in limited minutes, he can definitely produce for us. We brought him onboard for specific situations that he can excel in and help out the team at those moments – for example, actual Raptors games.” The club has not had a Raptors hat on the roster since the ’99-’00 season, when the last one was forced to retire due to injuries sustained when Yak’s mom accidentally put the hat through the washing machine one day while Yak was at school.

Both rookies will be relied upon during the upcoming season to provide a boost to this struggling club. “Last season was a disaster. There’s no way around it – it was a failure in every sense of the word. Children were pointing and laughing, large scary black men kept giving me strange looks – even the actual teams on the caps struggled.” The ’04-’05 Blue Jays are currently fifth in the AL East, and the Maple Leafs were bumped out of the second round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs by the Flyers for the second time in a row. The Maple Leafs hat has since been demoted to the minors and if the Blue Jays cap doesn’t bring more success to the club, then Yak might have no choice but to force the raw Minnesota rookie into a starting role. However, Yak remains optimistic about the new rookie – “I like him. He can play a lot of positions. I can wear him normally, or slightly tilted back or to either wing, and he can even play some minutes backwards – though I’m not that big on running that style of play. But it’ll be exciting to see how it all works out – he’s got a huge upside, a lot of potential, a high ceiling – he might be very good someday.” The rookie does come from a background with proven success, as the Twins are currently on pace to capture their fourth straight division title. Former Blue Jay Shannon Stewart also remains a fan favourite here in Toronto, and Johan Santana is the one thing that’s keeping Yak’s fantasy team afloat.

“Hopefully we can turn the franchise around this season and work towards the ultimate goal of having a nice lady friend look our way, or at least put the building blocks in place to be able to accomplish that in the next couple of years.” The team has never made the playoffs in its entire twenty year history.

Both rookies were unavailable for comment, as they were fucking hats, and hats can’t talk.