Nostalgia engine kicks in right about…now. This is going to be a rather lengthy one, I’m afraid. Like article long. Today’s theme will be ninjas. And I’m not going to throw in any Ultimate Power references. I’m sorry, it’s just so worn out and cliché. This post is too damn cool for that crap.

I’ve expressed my joyous expectations towards that new Teenage Mutant Ninja comic by Dreamwave in the past…but…turns out it’s not to my fancy. It felt too kiddie-like, and I was looking for more of the “ninja” angle than the “teenage” one. So that was a bust. But now apparently there’s talk about yet another new title by Mirage, which actually looks pretty cool. Deals with the original idea, the 1980’s, delicious inking…and look at those pictures of Leonardo and Michaelangelo. That’s bad ass.

There’s always been something weird about the turtles – it never really bothered me, but when you stop and think about it, it doesn’t really mesh. And by that, I mean aside from the glaringly obvious fact that they are teenage, mutant, ninja, turtles. See…the shells make them look big. Maybe even a bit fat. Not very ninja-like at all. Look at the more conventional ninjas (Google, I love you) – Strider Hiryu, Snake–Eyes, Storm Shadow, Elektra, Shinobi, and the coolest ninja of all time…Ninjzz. (More on him later!) Bulky ninja turtles just don’t make that much sense. But maybe that’s why I love them.

Anyway – about Ninjzz…did anyone recognize that shot? It’s from The Botsmaster, a brilliant cartoon from the early 90’s. My fellow children of the 90’s – this is one of the few shows we can claim as our own. And it was so damn good – right up there with Ninja Turtles, X-Men, The Tick, and Batman: The Animated Series. Unfortunately, it was a rather short run, and unfortunately, very few people have heard of it. But my memories of that show are among the most cherished memories I have. And it had one of the top theme/”heroes come in to kick ass and blow up all the enemies” songs in all of animated history. And up against such heavy weights as X-Men, Batman, and Chip N’ Dale: Rescue Rangers (seriously), that’s saying a lot. And no, I didn’t forget Spider-Man. That show sucked so much, it blew. Here’s the Bots Master page I ripped all this stuff from.

The real highlight of the show – aside from the godly theme song – was Ninjzz. And to truly understand his greatness, you have to examine the context. During the 1980’s and the early 1990’s, the big cartoon top dogs all had one of two essential elements – ninjas or robots. The Turtles obviously had the ninja angle going for them, Optimus Prime, Soundwave, Grimlock, and Megatron were synonymous with “giant ass kicking robots,” and Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow were the second and third coolest ninjas of all time, respectively. But then this new player arrives, who – get this – is a robot ninja. That type of thinking back then was absolutely unprecedented. You can talk about the Industrial Revolution, the invention of the printing press, the vaccine for polio, MS-DOS in IBM computers, the atomic bomb, the domestication of cattle…hell, you can talk about the discovery of fire – and I will talk about Ninjzz. And did you go download the theme song I’ve been raving about yet? He’s got the coolest voice this side of Kevin Conroy (Batman) and Mark Hamill (Joker). And he’s got three arms, one of which is a crossbow. Three goddam arms! How are you supposed to fight a robot ninja with three arms!?! How the FUCK are you supposed to touch THAT shit!?! Lord Sweet Pappy Johnson with an erection – you can’t.

…ah hell. You know, I had a few more ninja links here…but then I got started on Ninjzz, up to the point where I started swearing and foaming at the mouth…and really, I just can’t go on. How can you follow up Ninjzz? I know I can’t. Anything I link to afterwards would be nothing. It’d be like finding the remote under the cushion after realizing you could control the television telepathically. So I’m going to take a break, get a breather, and finish off this post tomorrow after a solid night’s sleep. Which will undoubtedly be full of old 80’s and 90’s cartoon dreamy wackiness now. Whew.