Okay, no links, no jokes…that means it’s time to talk about my day. But before we get into that, I would like to take a moment and – on behalf of The WAMBAG – officially congratulate Governor Schwarzenegger on his brutal crushing of Gray Davis and all others who stood in his path. Also, on behalf of the The WAMBAG, I would like to express our condolences to the people of the State of California. You idiots. And here’s another vote Ahnuld Flash spoof, just for kicks.

Anyway…my day. So I wake up, groan a bit, lament the fact that I’ve survived to see another day, kill that bastard alarm, groan some more, roll over to the side of my bed, and I put on my glasses. ‘cept something’s not right. They don’t fit. I quickly use my Batman-level detective skills to deduce that the problem is not with my face – it’s still the same size. Approximately. So it’s the glasses. I try to use my Mr. Fantastic-level tinkering skills to fix the sucker, but before I do, one of the legs just comes apart. A clean break halfway across. It wasn’t a snap or anything either, it’s like it just decayed and crumbled apart. Since my prescription hasn’t gotten much worse these last three years…I guess I must have forgotten to get new glasses.

But it’s no problem – I got a spare set that can last me until I get new ones. I find the case and I open them to reveal…a set of glasses broken right at the bridge. I remember now that I broke that set playing football one time at lunch in highschool (hit hard by two fat white guys…I don’t even think they went to our school…they were like twenty), and apparently instead of throwing those out, I had opted instead to keep them in the case to trick Future Me. So…I’m screwed. I have another spare set, but that one’s from like grade 7. Why do I still have it? Again, no clue.

So it was quite an adventure today, wandering out into the wilderness that is downtown Toronto, blind and without a cool ninja radar sense, or rain drops to use it with. I’ll spare you any more talk about my day, but I have compiled a list of facts I’ve discovered about losing your glasses. And by “discovered,” I of course mean “made up.”

1) That giant growing blob of colour is actually a TTC street car going 60, and about to end your life.

2) I’ve never been drunk before, but I’d imagine it’d be something along these lines. You don’t really know where you are, where you’re going, or how to get there. And all the girls you see are suddenly more attractive. Everything’s blurry, and so I’m left with my imagination to fill in the blanks. For some reason, there’s a damn lot of Jessica Alba lookalikes at UT.

3) If you don’t have your exact route for the day planned and committed to memory, you’re screwed. Fortunately I’ve had this “school” dealie for a month now, and I know my way around well enough. But then on the bus ride home, I didn’t pay attention and I didn’t notice my stop. I overshot it by about fifteen minutes worth of walking.

4) Going down stairs gets expodentially trickier. Because then you don’t know where the steps end, and for someone of my (lack of) walking skill, it becomes much easier to slip and die. It’s even harder when the steps are painted in black, so that you can’t even see the shadows of the steps. I must have slipped like three times, and pulled a couple of those retarded what-there’s-not-another-step? lunges today.

5) Meeting new people becomes real tricky. Went to this math aid centre today, where I’m quickly becoming the Kingpin. (I might explain that in a future post…but probably not) I met four new people – two of which may have been very hot girls (see #2) – and since I don’t even know what they look like, it might a bit difficult to find them again.

6) You don’t know who’s talking to you. I hear voices…but where do they come from?

7) Small decisions become harder. Is that a squirrel? Or a seven year-old white tiger? Is that a seagull I should chase, scream at, and kick? Or a small innocent child I probably shouldn’t chase, scream at, and kick? Is that the friendly foreign hot dog vendor? Or a cirus top filled with evil clowns? Choose carefully.

So I’ll be getting some new glasses tomorrow. …and I guess driving myself is going to be out of the question. Life is tough.