Now you can see that the actual surface of the Eggo is a system of criss-crossing square cells. For your benefit, I’ve provided pbrush.exe diagrams to illustrate my points. Here is a cross-section of a piece of Eggo.

Everyone knows that unless you’re in a huge hurry to catch the bus or the carpool, Eggos by themselves…suck. It’s like having a hot dog without any toppings (or even with just only ketchup *cough*AL*cough*). It’s insane. Syrup’s all good and dandy…but I don’t always have syrup. What if I wanted butter? Or peanut butter? Or jam? Please observe the mind-boggling problem this causes.

Jam (as the arbitary spread desired in this case) is initially applied to the Eggo.

Jam is spread with a butter knife.

The Eggo, post-knife.

But notice how there are three cells completely full of jam, and every other cell is jamless.

What does that mean? One bite of jam overload, and the rest of the bites with little or no jam content at all. Now for the life of me, I have not been able to solve this dilemma for over 10 years. Obviously, you could go back into the jam pockets and redistribute them evenly across the rest of the Eggo…but that’s a hell of a lot of work. In my quest for the answer I’ve tried…

– melted peanut butter (…I think that speaks for itself)

– cutting off the cell walls (but then what the hell’s the point of eating an Eggo?)

– filling up every single cell with jam (that’s just too much jam)

– using every possible spreading instrument in my house, ranging from the simple butter knife to a toothpick

…but obviously, that doesn’t work, and I still got nothing. People have told me to just stop eating Eggos…but that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. What would be the point of that?

So. If there’s someone reading this that’s discovered some ingenius method of evenly distributing semi-solid spreading over Kellogg’s Eggo Waffles, I want to – nay, I NEED to – hear about it.