Regarding tests. Let’s start with some hypothetical questions. Have you ever been in a test situation where you’re just sitting there looking at the question, tearing out your own hair, bending and rebending the bill of your cap, and thinking “Yak you FRICKIN’ ASS!!! Why don’t you KNOW THIS!?!” to yourself over and over again? Where you try to solve ridiculous equations with nothing but pure willpower? Because you foolishly chose to play six straight hours of Marvel vs. Capcom 2 instead of studying the xanthophyll cycle and how to normalize quantum wavefunctions the night before? Even though you’ve been playing the game non-stop for over three years and it no longer holds any joy for you?

…no? Well…neither have I. Again – hypothetical questions, and nothing more. But that’s not my point for today. The topic of my post today is of tests, but not in the pathetic conventional “gosh darn, that was hard, my life sucks, I need to study harder next time” sense that you see everywhere else. I have not left a single test question blank since at least grade 6. Except maybe on tests I didn’t have time to finish, but I honestly can’t remember any. Obviously, that doesn’t mean I’ve known every single test question for the better part of a decade…just that I haven’t ever left one blank.

I could count the things I learned in grade 8 on one hand (and for those of you who knew me in grade 8, you can understand), but one of them was to never leave any questions blank. I think the point of the lesson was to encourage people to make wild semi-educated guesses, in the hopes of getting part marks or relying on that infinitesimal chance that you were right. I certainly followed the letter of the law, but no the spirit of it. Every question you’re clueless about is another chance to be a jackass. And must be appropriately embraced as such.

For instance, I remember this one test for OAC Biology where I could have done better if I had thrown chicken feed on the pages and had a rooster peck out patterns on the pages, than trying to attempt it myself. But nevertheless, my test remained chicken feed-free that day.

One of the (many, many) questions I remember was to draw out the chemical structure for purine. Obviously, I had no intention of doing so, nor the ability to. So instead, I created a linear molecule composed of phosphorus, bonded to uranium, which was double bonded (because uranium’s kinda heavy…?) to iodine, bonded to neon. (For the chemically-challenged, that’s P-Ur=I-Ne.) And I did it without a table of elements, which – if I don’t say so myself (but I will anyway) – is pretty damn impressive.

If you can’t figure out clever sarcastic ways to answer your questions, draw some pictures. I like doing that. On the back of the pages, on that extra piece of scrap they staple to the end of the packages, even on the margins of the pages. I drew a high speed car chase once on a Physics test, where the Dukes of Hazard lost the Batmobile while jumping over a free body diagram. It’s fun stuff.

And you don’t even need to fail the exam to be a jackass. Take my last math test for example. I completely aced that sucker. (Disclaimer: Or at least…I think I did. Haven’t gotten it back yet. I think I may have just jinxed it.) In fact, I finished early enough to redraw one of my arbitary example functions to look like Iron Man. Can you do that? And have it pass the vertical line test and remain a function? AND correctly demonstrate the intermediate value theorem? I THINK NOT.

But even if you’re not as insane as I am, there’s tons of stuff anyone can do. The little things always count. Like writing “Therefore: x = 4. That answer you must adore! Now get on the dance floor. I have a screen door. Your mom’s a whore.” And so on. I knew this one guy in grade 12 that wrote “BOOYAH!” in two inch tall captial letters after each of his answers. That’s good too! And of course my good friend The Internet can always help you out if you’re really stuck.

But this guy here, is truly an inspiration. Now, apparently…the US Army has developed a new method of disciplining recruits. It’s called Reinforcement By Indorsement (RBI), where the private has to write a thousand word essay about what they did wrong. The proceding link is to the RBI of a private that forgot to bring his poncho into the mess hall at meal time. Read up! It’s…just brilliant.

So remember kids – next time you’re stumped by a test question…don’t be a hero. Act like a jackass, and call the professor a homosexual. Should get a kick out of your TA at least – maybe even a smiley face and a comment made in red marking pen. Heck, if it’s sweet enough, scan it in and send it over my way. If we get enough, we can do a special – like FOX’s “When Animals Attack” or something. …but…uh…something tells me I shouldn’t be holding my breath for that one.