Ah yes – Old Man Winter. We meet again. And thus begins our yearly battle of wits and weather. I don’t mind his lovely young trophy wife Snow White – but I just can’t stand the old grumpy bugger.

Round 1 – Old Man Winter takes first initiative, and sneak attacks me with a patch of ice as I walk towards my car. But due to my amazing Spider-Man level agility, I remain standing and only look a little retarded.

Yak 1, Old Man Winter 0.

Round 2 – I recover strong, and play some defense by activating the ass-warming device that crafty German engineers have installed in my seat. At this point, I believe I have gained yet another win over Old Man Winter. But I realize how wrong I am when I grab the steering wheel, which feels like it’s made of ice, causing me to scream out in terror, anguish, and shame. I have foolishly placed my hopes of victory in German engineers, who for some forsaken reason, had decided to cover the wheel in leather.

Yak 1, Old Man Winter 1.

Round 3 – Old Man Winter hits again, by mucking up my windshield with slush and spray from the car in front of me. Damned German engineers screw me again with a useless single windshield wiper, and even the anti-freeze spray (my ace in the hole) comes up short. I end up running over a baby carriage and a sick little lost puppy, and Old Man Winter pulls ahead.

Yak 1, Old Man Winter 2.

Round 4 – Pressing the offense, Old Man Winter sicks his goon The Cold North Wind onto me, and tries to blow my hat away. But the rookie steps up and holds his ground, doing good in only his second start of the year.

Yak 2, Old Man Winter 2.

Round 5 – Getting out of the car, he tries to sweep me with another patch of ice, but it’s countered by my combo of Cautious Look cancelled into Hesitant Step level 3 super.

Yak 3, Old Man Winter 2.

Round 6 – Unfortunately, I’ve depleted my super meter, and I can’t use my Look Where I’m Going super. I stumble on the curb and look like a jackass, while two hot girls look on. And point, giggle, and comment on the size of my manhood. Old Man Winter forces a deciding Game 7.

Yak 3, Old Man Winter 3.

Round 7 – I forget to fully zip up the jacket, and one of The Cold North Wind’s jabs breaks through my guard. But I manage to roll with it and get home, where’s it nice and warm. The battle is nearly mine. But while Old Man Winter’s lackey was tying me up outside the house, he had realized that I foolishly left my window open a crack the night before. And like the weasely whiz of a weather he is, he crept into my house and jumped me as I entered the room – just as I used my last bar of super for the Grit My Teeth super to defeat The Cold North Wind. I’m helpless as he chips me to death with his Damn, It’s Cold In Here super.

Yak 3, Old Man Winter 4.

So you win this battle Old Man Winter. But we’ll see about the war. We’ll see.