Finally Understanding The Whole Pigeon Thing

(soundtrack)

Wake Up To The Sun – Limblifter

Remember back in the day when those clever rappers, the “Sporty Theivz” (correct spelling and yes, I had to look that up) had that hit song No Pigeons? Of course you do. I never got the title. I could understand why a loser guy was called a scrub, it just sounds bad. But what was wrong with being a pigeon? Well, I spent the part of this afternoon feeding the pigeons and I can tell you the similarities are obvious. Here are some random notes from my encounters:

* Feeding pigeons kicks major ass. Very relaxing and something I’m going to start doing every Thursday. If you ever want to find me on a Thursday afternoon, just come down to Queen’s Park.

* At first there weren’t that many pigeons around. Here I was walking through the park with a brand new loaf of bread and nothing to do with it. This made me think of conversations I have all the time with my friend, Safina. She’s always telling me how I’m going to make a girl very happy one day and how I’d make a great boyfriend and la la la…and I’m just thinking, “Well, that’s great. Too bad I DON’T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!!” Relating this back to my bird feeding, I realized that my inability to find anything to feed was a perfect metaphor for why statements like the one above do me no good:

You can’t feed the pigeons if there ain’t no pigeons to feed.

* Eventually I found a nice bench to sit on. There was only a few birds there, but eventually you start throwing out chunks of bread and more birds start to come. This reminded me of the beginning of the school year. I remember it seemed like everytime I turned the corner I met a new female friend. It was very exciting. So you keep throwing out crumbs and more birds come and it’s all good…

*…but then the birds start to get to close. You’ve got to throw the bread away from you now, a reaction that I would equate with turning into a complete asshole when you think people are starting to get too close. That is to say, when you think that the pigeons are getting too close for their own good, you’ve got to lead them away. Call me corny, but it’s true.

* (INTERMISSION) When you’re feeding squirrels, I recommend ripping off strips of crust and dangling it from your fingers so that they don’t accidentily scratch you when they reach for it. Feeding squirrels is cool. That is all.

* After a while, the birds all clear out and you’re left with one or two that stick around. This number eventually dwindles to one, in this case a seagull (sorry, William). I started to lob the bread at the seagull, seeing how high it would jump to catch it. I was like a guy throwing a tennis ball to his dog. Whoops, sorry, mixing metaphors here. That is to say, it’s like when you start to care about someone in particular and you trust them enough to try and do new and different things with them.

* Inevitably, you realize that all you’re doing is birdfeeding. There’s no substance to it. Yeah, it’s fun and relaxing to just chill out and keep the pigeons happy, but eventually you’re going to run out of bread. And then all you’re left with is crumbs.

I don’t know, maybe I’m reading into the whole thing too much, but I can at least finally see what the “Sporty Thievz” were trying to say. I mean, “Trick Ronald, you ain’t worth the McDonald’s”? What the fuck was that? But now I finally see.

After that, I went and had lunch with Michelle, Davey Boy and The Ice Queen. Then we got lost looking for parking at Lakeshore while listening to an “old, crappy ballads” mix CD. Then they locked me in the trunk of the car. Then we went and chilled out in High Park for a couple of hours. It was a real good day.

“Are you gonna be nice?”

“I’ve never been nice my whole life. But I’ll do my best…to be sweet.”