I Don’t Care

(soundtrack)
Needle In The Hay – Elliott Smith

At some point in the day, in between trying to stay awake in class and coming to the stark realization that we live in a world where Superman can die, I came up with a great idea for a post. A real gimmick. Since all my posts were starting to look the same, I was going to rip off Mad-Libs and create an interactive post. You know, I would put stuff like, “So I was walking down (street name) and thinking about how much I hated myself and wanted to (act of violence) the next Chinese guy I saw.” and “I came home and immediately began to search the internet for pictures of (actor/actress…actor).” I was going to call it Al-Libs. It was going to be a fun exercise for all, an ironic nod to “the slow motion train wreck that I like to call my life” and it would save my lazy ass a lot of time on future posts. There was only one problem:

I don’t care.

I really don’t. I just don’t. I’m struggling to get out of bed in the morning. The best part of the day…of my year in fact, is that I managed to work out a system where I get almost an hour of continous sleep on my way to school. It’s unprecedented public transit napping. I should get an award. I’m as desperate for a relationship with a girl as I’ve ever been and more paralyzed than ever when I see a girl who I might be interested in. I go through two hour lectures without taking a single note and just staring ahead blankly. I’m back to starting work anywhere from 11 to 1 at night, not even remembering when I actually get to sleep and waking up and repeating this whole process over and over again. You know what’s really sad?

I don’t care.

This is the part where I say that I’m happy that I’m working and in school and that I have a lot of good friends and I know I’ll get over this…but I’m not going to right now. I don’t want to. I want to be miserable for a few days or weeks or months. I’m comfortable with it. I’ve been decidedly unhappy for the better part of my almost 20 years on this Earth and frankly, I’m good at it. I’m at my best at my worst, so to speak. And of course, I just…I just…

I don’t care.

Before I end this uplifting message, I want to leave a quote. It’s something I think I’ve been saying for years, but I want to put it down on paper. I want to trademark it. Really make it official. Here goes:

“A good day for me is when I manage to find that perfect balance of self pity and self loathing.” – Alex “Big Al” Lee

That’s always a fun one to break out at parties.

Humperdido! Today shalt though be with me in paradise.
Great.
—–
I…I can’t think of anything to say…
I can. We’re fucked.