Stringing Time Together

(soundtrack)

Maybe Katie – Barenaked Ladies

WARNING: Looooooong Post Ahead, Ye Maties! (WHAT?!?) I hope everyone’s used to the fact that I post with less regularity, but with more content. I know that requires a higher attention span, but hey, that’s what the warning is for. Continuing on…

It was a good day, man. Let me tell you, it was a good day. I’ve been a little stressed this week, but not because of work. I’ve been juggling a moral dilemma.

Last weekend, Adriana was telling me how she wanted to take this Saturday off, but I knew that we were both scheduled to work that day so I was like, “Naw baby, naw. Don’t take that day off. We can spend the whole day together. You, me, a gallon of brandy. Hang out in robes and see what develops.” (or something to that effect) I figured that I’d be tapping that ass in the breakroom by Saturday afternoon. I was pumped.

Then I remembered about my annual basketball fantasy draft. Ah! How could I forget that it was scheduled on the same day! Now, I was torn between my responsibilities to my boys and my desire to get some sweet dry humping action in the back of a supermarket. Torn!!!

There were so many variables. For one thing, as I mentioned before, she was also trying to get off Saturday. So what if I went and she wasn’t even there? I’d feel like a fool. But if she didn’t go, then it would be okay for me not to go. But if I don’t go and she does go, then I’ll look like the biggest ass because I said she should go. But then again, maybe she wouldn’t care. Or would she?

I decided that the right thing to do was to try and get off work. As much as I like this girl, I couldn’t turn my back on my boys. Loyalty and all that. So I figured that I’d go to work today and find someone to take my shift. To be continued.

Today was almost like any other day, except for one thing: I didn’t fall asleep in class. It was the strangest sensation. To actually maintain consciousness during an entire lecture. By the end, I was like, “Is this…weight…this ceaseless particle movement…is this all?” I should have known that it was a sign that this day would be different than the others.

I inevitably ran into Julius…oh, let me go on an aside for a second. I think I’ve come up with the perfect way to describe this guy. He’s the male version of Shirley Manh. Hear me out. He knows everybody. Everybody seems to get along with him because he’s so outgoing AND approachable (a lethal combination). And even though you’re his friend, you’re not quite sure where you stand with him (if you somehow end up reading this Shirley, sorry). He’s a great guy and he has many uses, but he seems like a guy who it’s difficult to trust. Like, I wouldn’t say that him and I are close friends. I just wouldn’t. Then again, I’m an emotionally hollow shell masquerading as a man.

We went to lunch with the usual gang and discussed the issues of the day. Blah blah blah. No, I’m kidding. I seem to be getting along better with this group in general, which is a good sign. We’re cracking wise and scoping chicks and all that. Textbook frat boy behaviour. Even that guy Chris, the mandatory jackass back when we went to that cruise party, is starting to grow on me. I’m losing my edge.

Eventually I broke off and went to have lunch with Julius and his girlfriend, Jainy. Did I mention her already? Quick summary: She’s a lot like Annia. Spoooooky. Oh yeah, we also constantly, maybe excessively, make jokes about having sex behind Julius’ back. Good times. GOOD times. I got to say, I hope he dates her for a long time because she’s one of those “touchy” kind of girls. The kind that are like, constantly hugging you and grabbing you and shit. It’s nice. We were chilling out in her room when our friend Alexia (this could get confusing) came along. She’s nice and she seems to dig me, so bonus points. She’s a big laugher too. It helped that I was on freaking fire today. I dropped this anecdote on ’em when Alexia mentioned she felt she had mono (the kissing disease):

“Yeah, I knew these two brothers who got mono from each other once. (stunned silence) Come on, guys. It’s because they rinsed with the same cup when they were brushing their teeth at night. And the fact that they were making out all the time. But I think it was the cup thing.”

ON…FIRE…

Eventually Julius had to get off the train, leaving me with Jainy and Alexia. So as soon as that bastard leaves, his girlfriend puts her arm around me and I’m just like, “Oh hells yeah!” Then I turn to Alexia and say, “You’re next, baby!” (or something to that effect) Then Alexia grabs my other arm. So here I am, Alex Lee, on the subway with two cute girls wrapped around me. It was a surreal site to say the least. I gave the rest of the dudes on the subway a cocky look, like, “I’ve got more girls wit’ me right now then you faggots’ll have in your entire life!” I could hear their penises shrivelling. Glorious.

Let me just say that this was all in good fun, okay? For some reason, the four of us were talking about having sex with each other all day so I think we’re comfortable with some frendly hugging. Julius and Jainy seem stable, so there’s no harm in her getting a little affectionate with his good pal, Alex, right? Right. As for Alexia, she was bummed out after finding out some dude she liked had a girlfriend, so I was just consoling her. I’m an amazing guy.

And now, the continuation of the Adriana dilemma. (Dun Dun DUN!!!)

I go to work and ask one of the girls if she can take my shift. She says she has to go to church. On a Saturday? What-everrrrr. But there’s this older cashier who overhears and she’s like, “Would you like me to take your shift on Saturday?”

YES!!!

I know what you’re thinking, “But Alex, doesn’t this mean you won’t get to mack on Adriana this week?” Here’s the plot twist my friends: Not an hour before I arrived at work I received a call from my manager. She was like, “Alex, can you come in Friday at 4:30?” I hesitated, then remembered that Adriana is working 5:30 to 11:00 on Friday! Ha ha ha ha ha! Don’t you see? It all fell into place!

I’m hanging out with her all day Friday AND going to my fantasy draft on Saturday!

I love you all.

You just…you can’t understand what it was like…endless hours, days, with the waves crashing up and the wind blowing the sand away, and knowing what you’re doing is insane but not being able to stop…! It destroyed me, can’t you see that? It claws at my mind, I can’t even feel happy for one single second without the memory ripping its way in there! I’m a ruin, I’m–not even half a man–

Hoover. Listen to me. If it truly hurts that much–just forget it.