The Blueprint 2 (Had To Do It)

Somewhere Only We Know – Keane

A brief anecdote before I begin. I always take note of the things people buy in the supermarket and make tiny observations in my head. This one couple bought about a dozen Lunchables snack packs and I thought, “Their kid is going to be the most popular kid in school.”

On with the show.

Shortly after posting about my sick obsession with Mia Sara of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off fame, I realized (I’ve been doing that a lot lately) that it directly correlates to this one girl who I had a crush on in high school:

Simone Perrin.

WARNING: What follows is a detailed account of the bizarre and highly inappropriate attraction I had for this girl. For those of you not interested, here is a link to a Perry Bible Fellowship comic which you can read instead. It’s funny. Then you can skip down to the Preacher quotes. I’ll even bracket the whole thing off so you can jump right by it. I’m thoughtful like that.

*****

I first saw Simone in…Introduction To Business class, I think. Or maybe she was a face that caught my eye in the hallways. Regardless, the first time I saw her I was in awe. I’m not saying she’s the kind of girl who any guy would look at and be like, “I have to have her!”. She’s not Helen of Troy or anything like that. And she wasn’t really the “girl next door”-type either, which before that day had been my preference. No, she was unique and to me, perfect. I had a dream about her that night, which wasn’t normal for me. It would be one of many. They were all the same too. We’d be with a group travelling somewhere and at some point, her and I ended up together. Later, I would write a song that included this lyric:

For some reason it’s always the same.

We’re walking in a town with no name.

I’m sure I’m not the first person to express that sentiment, but it felt right. Over the years, I managed to use mutual friends to worm my way into casual conversation with her. In retrospect, that was probably a bad idea. I don’t think I’ve ever had less chemistry with a girl who I found so attractive. She’s the kind of gal who likes to talk about clothes and cars and bad music. I’m not saying she was materialistic, but those happened to be her interests and I couldn’t relate to that at all. We rarely got beyond hellos and how are you?s.

“Crush” is definitely the perfect word to describe this particular affair. I mean, I wasn’t counting the hours between our meetings or judging my days based on our interactions. Hell, I cannot recall one instance where she made me feel an emotion to any extreme. Usually, when I fall for someone hard, it requires that girl and I to at least have had one or two shared moments. With her, I could hardly keep myself entertained. And yet, I was unmistakably drawn to her. I can honestly say I was more attracted to her when she was standing 10 feet away than right in front of my face.

She must have known I had a thing for her. I was always trying to talk to her, even if I failed miserably. And I, in typically classy Alex fashion, incessantly complimented her looks. There were times that I could not think of anyone more beautiful. If she knew, she never said anything. She wouldn’t be so cruel. I understood that I’m someone she could never like in that way. I had nothing to offer her. Oh yeah, that inspired another song:

It’s not fair

I could give you everything you want, you don’t want it from me.

I don’t care

How often I get to see you, one look and I notice your beauty.

Yeah, I know that first line contradicts the whole “nothing to offer” thing, but I think I just wanted an excuse to look at these lyrics again. Not my best work. Rhyming “me” and “beauty”? Eeeehhh…But man, it was nice to feel something like that at the time. I think I’ll mail it to those Simple Plan jag-offs, see if I can make some scratch. It’ll probably blow their minds.

At least she might have found me amusing at times, so that was nice.

How do you explain something like that? I never wanted to. But now that I’ve diagnosed myself with having a Mia Sara Complex (or MSC from now on), I wonder if that’s the reason for it all. What if all these romantic visions of Simone were spawned from that deep, unearthed psychosis? If anyone has seen these two women before, the superficial similarities are obvious. And then there’s the name. This is where I start getting dangerous. Mia Sara’s character in the film is named Sloane Peterson. Look at the initals!!! That’s not a coincidence! And Sloane and Simone!!! I AM ONE SICK SONFABEE…no, I’m not doing that. I’m just a sick asshole.

This crush that I once thought was oddly charming has now become a case study. Evidence of my instability. The E equals mc squared of my libido.

I could go on forever about this, about her. I’ll just leave it with a huge apology to Ms. Perrin for my wasting her time. Apparently, it was nothing after all.

*****

By the way, I am massively depressed.

PQ:

So why were you gonna stop by, anyhow?

Just somethin’ I got for you. An’ somethin’ I wanted to say.

An’ what might that be?

That you are pretty as the stars at evenin’.