Just Passing Through

Runaway Train – Soul Asylum

I thought it only fair that since I haven’t been enjoying any actual life experiences, whatever those are, that I share some of my TV viewing experiences with you. It’s the only fair reward for your years of loyal readership. No need to thank me.

I’ll bold the titles to assist you in deciding which sections to skip. See? I care.

American Idol, The Apprentice and Survivor: Palau

Reality TV! I am returned to thee! Okay, I’ll admit that I fell off last year. I barely watched The Apprentice and Survivor. I’m sorry. These damn reality TV shows just seem to pile up and it’s hard to follow them all. Plus, there was this infernal thing called school that kept getting in the way! And friends! Damn it! There weren’t many, but the few there were really got in the way of my ability to follow these shows. Thank God I got rid of all of those.

I’ve caught the last three AIs and I have to say it’s the easiest reality TV show to watch. People go up and sing. You like it or you don’t. Sometimes the chicks have nice boobies. It’s not particuarly involving. Also, they only do one a year as opposed to The Apprentice and Survivor which go one every eight months or so. I don’t have anything particularly interesting to say here, because the cast itself isn’t particularly interesting. I’ve been spoiled by the previous contestants. I’ll just throw out my picks to win it: Bo Bice or Nadia Turner. Watch out now. And Amanda Avila for being a mixture of Jessica Simpson and Cindy Crawford.

The Apprentice is probably the best of the three shows. The cast is killer. One of the earliest eliminations was this hippie named Danny. He endeared himself to his team at first by playing his guitar and making up stupid songs. Since he seemed creative, he was handed the marketing job everytime the team had an assignment. His best idea? A bean bag toss to promote a new fast food item. The fuck? There’s Erin, a Paris Hilton clone and Alex, Captain Whitebread. In one episode, the teams had to make murals in Harlem to promote the lastest Gran Turismo game and Alex actually goes up to these black guys, excuse me, niggas on the street and starts talking to them. Two amazing things happen: One, he doesn’t get stabbed and two, his team actually wins! When he’s describing the mural to the Sony execs, he’s like “Up here you’ve got your props and your bling bling.” Unbelievable comedy. There’s also this guy named Chris who doesn’t say shit the entire episode, but whenever they’re in the boardroom and Trump asks for his opinion, he has a hissy fit.

(takes a breath)

There’s Bren, who’s like a young Colonel Sanders. Kirsten, the mandatory psycho bitch who was sadly voted off in the second or third episode. In her post-elimination segment, she kept saying stuff like “It’s okay, I know I’m still the best. I know Mr. Trump still wants me. Daddy still loves me. I’m a good person. I’m a good person…” There’s Verna, who at one point decided that she couldn’t take any more stress and grabbed her things and walked off. I mean, literally walked off. This chick wasn’t stopping until she hit ocean. Luckily, one of Trump’s assistants picked her up. Of course, she quit the next episode. There’s Brian, the mandatory tough guy from Jersey who’s probably a homosexual, and Michael…oh, Michael. You know that guy who you had to do school projects with who just sat around spouting ridiculous ideas while reading a tittie mag underneath his desk and never actually did any work? This is that guy. There’s Audrey, who looks like a hot chick in an 80s music video. Seriously, everytime she shows up I keep expecting her to start writhing on top of a Pontiac Firebird while Whitesnake plays in the background. She goes down in my reality TV Hall of Fame for her “My parents abandoned me when I was a child and I had to live on the street and I wanted to scar my own face because I was so beautiful so I could fit in” speech. She’s not even that attractive. Her mistake was fucking wit’ my boy, John. In basketball terms, John is a First Team All-Reality TV player. He’s like a mixture of Vince Vaughn and Michael Corleone. After Audrey told him to “fuck off” on the last episode, he proceeded to sabotage her project and swore to bury her in the boardroom (though I’m pretty sure he meant he was going to bury her in the middle of the desert with all the other people who’ve crossed him). At the end of the episode, Audrey was fired and trying to throw herself out of a moving limousine and John was laughing his way to the bank.

My pick: John. And yes, I have a man crush on him.

As for Survivor, I have to say that I’m only watching it out of my loyalty to the series and because Mark Burnett is The Jesus. The cast ain’t that bad to be honest with you, but it just feels like they’re filling in all the necessary stereotypes. The pretty boys (Bobby Jon and Jeff), the gay guy (Coby), the old man who has no chance in hell of winning (Willard), the muscular, lazy black guy (Ibrehem), the all-American hero (Tom), the hick (James)…it goes on and on. There’s also a few “chicks who are supposed to be hot but really ain’t that hot”. Maybe I’ve just been spoiled by my Amber, God’s gift to us unwashed, reality TV washing masses (Note: She can now be seen on The Amazing Race another show destined to steal my life away). The only reason to watch is for my boy, Ian. I like to think that this is the guy I’d be if I was on the show. He’s a skinny beanpole type dude, but he seems genuinely likeable and he’s willing to do anything even though it looks like he’s about to collapse at any second. He more than carries his weight in every challenge and he cut off a snake’s head. Bad mothafucka. That’d be me. Except that I would have got myself some poonanie! by now.

Shit, this is running long. Give me one more show.

Blind Justice

Yeah, I’m a bitch for good advertising. This is that new cop show from the guy who did the recently finished NYPD Blue. It stars Ron Eldard, known to most of us as the guy in Men Behaving Badly who wasn’t Rob Schneider OR as the helicopter pilot in Black Hawk Down who amazingly WAS NOT KILLED BY THE ARMY OF CRAZY BLACK MEN! Yeah, That Guy. Anyway, he plays Detective Jim Dunbar who is blinded in an act of valour. He moves to a new precinct hoping for a fresh start, but finds nothing but skepticism from his boss, his fellow officers and his new partner (more on her later). And no, that was not ripped directly from the show’s website. Anyway, he also has a hot girlfriend or wife (I wasn’t sure) played by Rena Sofer, and a dog. The acting is good all around, as it tends to be with these shows, though I feel bad for some of the actors who have to go through the usual “A (insert disability here) detective? Haw haw haw!” dialogue and try and make it sound fresh. Eldard himself has at least three “Just give me a chance!” speeches that he does as well as can be expected. Anyway, he finds himself relying on his other senses to prove his worth at the crime scenes, and it’s depicted in a novel fashion. In one scene, as he concentrates on a train in the background, we get all the background elements in the scene removed except for the train. It’s kind of cheesy actually, but I get the point and I think they’ll get better at implementing this as the show goes on.

As for his partner, she is played by the sexy Marisol Nichols, who you may remember as the lovely Audrey in National Lampoon’s Vegas Vacation…or not. I remember seeing that movie on TV once and I immediately Googled her name in to find out who she was. I forgot about her, but she’s all growns up now and lookin’ fine! Her relationship with Dunbar is nice and natural so far and you know he’s going to end up tapping that ass within three episodes, though I hope they have patience with it. Regardless, she’s my newest infatuation. So for the lovely Ms. Nichols and the solid work of Mr. Not Rob Schneider, I’m willing to give this show a shot.

Grade: B

Is it sad that this may be the longest post I’ve ever written and it has nothing to do with my social or academic life?

…

Naaaaah.

PQ:
You fucks could speak American, I wouldn’t have to hurt you.