So my internet’s been out the last couple of…I don’t know…seems like months. My sense of time gets all wacked up without daily updates from ursineslutsfrommalaysia.org to start my days. You know how it is. I mean, there’s not even a Choking Yak post on the front page any more – I don’t think that’s ever happened in the history of the site.

I thought I had a bunch of stuff to post up, but now that I actually can, I don’t seem to remember any of them. I’ll just start with some random Provoking Facts and see if I can wing the rest.

– My internet shortage made me miss on some sweet stuff. Confound it!

– These are just some pictures of some penguins going through a metal detector before boarding a plane. That in itself is not very entertaining, but I just loved the mental picture that popped into my head. Imagine along with me this scene – a shifty-eyed terrorist sits in the aisle seat, fidgeting with the latch of the carry-on case beside him and snacking on his complimentary bag of peanuts (warning: may contain peanut products). Glancing up, he sees that the seatbeat light has just turned off. It is time. Moving quickly, he flips open the latch, reaches in with his right hand, and takes out a confused baby penguin. And before the concealed Navy SEALs can react, he uses his left hand to reach inside the penguin and pull out its heart – containing the remote trigger for the nerve gas bomb he stashed inside the suitcase he checked-in. The plane is his.

– I think that out of all the movies I’ve watched on television, I’ve seen Executive Decision by far the most times. I think I’ve seen it like two dozen times over. The first couple times I watched it, it was like watching Street Fighter. It does have Steven Seagal, after all. But over time, I’m surprised to note that I’ve sincerely enjoyed this movie for what it is. I mean, when Kurt Russell somehow impossibly gets his foot stuck in some random crevice on the airplane while he struggles with the sleeper, I’m always a little surprised to realize that I’ve been holding my breath the whole time.

– Check this link – a real life T-Virus. Too bad it’s fake. I mean, “Quan’sul?” They’re not even trying any more these days.

– So I got on television again. I think this makes three. First in Grade 6 with that scrabble-but-with-numbers board game (any of you remember the actual name of the game?), then when I appeared as stock footage for university students walking around for the Chinese news, and now this! I was walking around on campus with Jess on Monday/Tuesday/don’t remember and this creepy guy with no eyes from Toronto One ambushed us and starting asking questions regarding Pamela Anderson vs. KFC (“Pam Anderson Releases Explicit New Video” – LOL). As expected, I was my usual witty self, while Jess struggled to form coherent words and could only feebly grunt in some pathetic attempt to communicate. I ended up watching the news that night, because I’m vain and I wanted to see myself on television – I even taped it, perhaps to show to my daughter Spider-Man one day. Since I’m no video whiz like our friend Sheep is, I can’t actually share the clip, but I’ll fill you in the best I can. The segment is about how people on the streets don’t really care about whatever Pamela Anderson says, and the guy had asked us which side we agreed with. And I managed to get like maybe two and a half seconds of air time – long enough to wildly gesture in the air for no apparent reason and say “I don’t know, it’s a tough choice, man!” And that was it. …pretty sweet, eh!?! And of course – naturally – Jess didn’t make the cut.

– I just realized that we also probably got on television when we went to Cereality. Remember that? They probably cut it all anyway. Should have interviewed Big AL and I – not you two losers.

– I just realized that we still haven’t finished that Philly article yet. And by “finished” I of course mean “started.” And by “still haven’t” I of course mean “will never ever.”

Hey, Kids In The Hall: Brain Candy is on Toronto One. I think it’s time I watched it, right? Off I go!