I haven’t posted in a long while – I apologize. No real excuse. I’ve just been lazy. It’s not like I didn’t have anything to post about either, at least not for the last couple of days. So let’s just get things going again…maybe ease into it with a low-effort Choking Yak’s Provoking Facts, because for some reason I’m really feeling tired right now. Get ready for lots of typoS and spelling misteaks! (<- this is funny, because there is a typo and a spelling mistake in the same sentence I said the words "typos and spelling mistakes" in. Or at least tried to say, because as stated above there was a typo and a spelling mistake that prevented the actual words from showing up in their correct form. I AM TOO FUNNY) – I’m posting this from work. Usually I’m kept pretty busy with tedious bits of work, but right now I’m stuck waiting on someone else. That’s the beauty of big companies and big groups – the responsibilities are always spread around so much that you end up using like five people to do the work of one – but slower – because each person has to wait for the previous step to be finished first before it’s passed to them. If they gave me proper administrative permissions to write these files to the server, then I wouldn’t be stuck here waiting for someone to temporarily grant me them first and I would be done. …Though on the other hand, I wouldn’t blame them for being afraid that I would wreck a million dollar infrastructure by posting Malaysian bear porn into the live production servers. Things like that do happen all the time. Often completely by accident. – Updating on a previous item, here is a picture from a newspaper clipping of the two Padawans that filled up fluorescent light tubes with petrol. Note the before and after pictures. Does that seem familiar in this context at all? And you know what went wrong, right? He didn’t have the higher ground.

– I finished this(?) entire tube of candy Jess got me, in like ten minutes. There’s maybe two dozen pieces of hard candy in there – think I’m gonna be sick. The one in the picture doesn’t really look like the one I have though – instead of a picture of a hippopotamus(?) on it, it’s a picture of a glass of water with a straw in it. That has eyes and is cheering – for the inevitable consumption of the candy, I suppose. And don’t ask me how I found that picture – it was a strange and terrifying journey.

– Took me a while, but I’ve finally found a “Hey Guy” for work. Whenever I see him we exchange a little nod and a “hey.” I think that I first heard about the idea from Spin City. (A good sitcom that I feel wasn’t as relatively popular as it should have been, along with NewsRadio or maybe even 3rd Rock From The Sun. …don’t know about Just Shoot Me though.) He’s like this…40 year-old black guy from…I don’t even know…anywhere. He has a thick “black” accent – I’d say it’s Jamaican, but I don’t really know. I first met him in the elevator during quittin’ time and he said some stuff about the weather. He told me his name and we shook hands, but ever since The Philadelphia Contact I have irrationally been unable to shake hands with black people. I was so scared that my mind just blanked, and so I immediately forgot his name two seconds after he told me. But he seems pretty cool. We’ve shared this coversation maybe a dozen times over already…

Me: Long day?
HG: Oh yeah.
Me: Yeah, tough to be stuck inside on such a nice day.
HG: Yeah, hate to be stuck inside on a day like this.
Me: Yeah, catch you later man. Have fun!
HG: Yeah!

…every goddamn trip down the elevator if I catch him. I have no idea what the hell I’ll say if it ever rains. I think I’ll just punch him in the face and run.

– Here is where it gets insane. I advise you to stop reading here, and just continue with your life.

See, I’ve been trying to figure out my very own female celebrity that I can develop an creepy obsession with, and it’s been a bit tricky. That is, aside from Jessica Alba. It’s like she’s my #1 ace (ie. Roy Halladay), but you still need a strong rotation behind her, including a solid #2 starter. Plus, she’s everyone’s #1, so it’s no fun. For awhile back in high school I thought it was Michelle Branch…but I just don’t know if she’s hot enough to warrant a creepy obsession. Pretty solid, but she just doesn’t have the stuff to be a top of the rotation kind of girl. Solid stats, but isn’t projected to be anything more than a #4 or #5 – a Towers or Chacin type. So I’ve been trying to fill that spot in the rotation with various head cases for years, with maybe moderate success at best (ie. Lidle, Escobar, Lilly/Natalie Portman, Britney, Tina Fey).

What’s really weird is that lately I’ve been thinking about Heather Locklear more and more. I even had a dream about her sometime last month…but she was Chinese…and her name was “Melyssa.” How my dream managed to specify that her name was spelled with a “Y” or how she managed to be Chinese and yet remain Heather Locklear, I’ll never fucking know, but I distinctly remembered that was how it was, and I can’t change it. The dream itself is another topic altogether, about how fucking batshit insane I am, but the point is that I’ve got Heather Locklear on the mind lately, and I don’t even know why. I’ve never been too crazy about blondes either, so it’s a bit odd. (Possibly why I dreamed that she was Chinese. The “Melyssa” thing though…I have no idea.)

It’s ridiculous how she still looks so good in her forties so I wouldn’t say she’s past her prime…but this is certainly not a point where she’s really that popular. So the timing is bizarre. Also, I only know her from Spin City – I never watched Melrose Place, I unsuccessfully tried to follow LAX before it got canned, and I’m sure as hell not going to see The Perfect Man. So there’s no real history, I don’t know anything about her.

Is Heather Locklear my Roger Clemens? Someone who should by all means be way past their prime, yet still managing to knock your socks off well into their forties? Clemens’ career will probably be defined by his stints with the Sox and the Yankees, but he still had two really good years in Toronto, winning two Cy Youngs here. Heather Locklear’s career is defined by Melrose Place, but she was still really good with Spin City, a show I genuinely loved back in the day.

Would it be possible to bring them into the rotation as hired guns? Just to fill in while a younger and more long-term solution is found? Roger Clemens – no. There’s big money involved – he’s signed to a one year $18 million dollar contract. Even if we sign him near the All-Star break and we’re only responsible for the prorated portion and we assume the Astros eat up a bit of his salary, the fact that he has a trade clause that bumps his contract up by $3 million if he’s traded still makes him the most expensive hired gun of all time. Something like $10 million for half a year’s worth of Roger Clemens pitching every fifth day (assuming he stays healthy which in itself might be a stretch) just isn’t worth it. Plus there’s the chance he pulls an Alonzo Mourning on us and doesn’t report – choosing instead to retire and chill at his ranch in Texas with his family. There will be too many prospects traded, too much money, and too much risk involved. It just doesn’t make sense.

Heather Locklear on the other hand, is hot. So I don’t see why not.

– I’ll post about Anime North 2005 next time. Yeah, I’ll probably be just a post – I don’t think there’s enough material to support a full article. Plus, an article takes significantly more effort to make. It’ll just be a relatively bigger post next time then, if at all.