The Big Hello

There She Goes – The La’s

I wanted to write a big end of summer vacation post, but I realized that now is not the time for endings.

*****

I saw her today. My fantasy from Markham District High School. The most beautiful girl in the world. On September 11, 2005, Erin Dunlop came to Food Basics.

Not a hoax! Not an imaginary story! One minute I was gathering green baskets and the next, well, she was there. She wasn’t alone. I imagine a gal like her rarely is. She was accompanied by a large male who may or may not be her boyfriend. Could be a cousin for all I know. It didn’t matter to me. All that mattered was that I got to see her again.

One of my great regrets in high school is that I never got my shot to try and woo Erin. I’d never met her, but I had to believe that if I was ever in a class or a club with her I’d at least have a chance. Anyone who knows what she looks like probably laughed at that last sentence, but I tell you that all I needed was a shot. I’d probably miss completely, but…I could hope all day. I’ve certainly agonized about it for long enough. I remember the first time I saw her. It was grade 9, early in the year. Max and I were doing our usual bout of hallway prowling and babe-watching and…and…she hit me like a freight train. The most gorgeous specimen I’d ever seen. I’ve wanted her ever since.

When she walked into the store today I froze. I was hoping for an excuse to follow her around the store, but luckily good sense and work ethic prevailed. I went back to my register, knowing that she wouldn’t come anywhere near me because she was probably only passing through and would head to the express lane when she was done. I watched her from afar, passively handling my customers. I watched and watched and then, again, she was out of my life.

We have never shared a single word.

*****

On Friday I had to say goodbye to Annia. That sucked. No, that’s not right. That’s too simple.

I checked my phone during my break and noticed three missed calls. All from her. I call her back and she asks me if I have the new Kanye West CD. As you might expect, I’ve had it for a week. She didn’t end up finding a suitable replacement, but that would have been the perfect going away present.

She decided to drop by and visit me at work. As it had been all week, it was busy as shit. People getting ready to go back to school. I was working as hard as ever pulling those infernal shopping carts around the parking lot. We’d say a couple of sentences then I’d have to put the conversation on pause as I dragged those hunks of metal back into the store. After about fifteen minutes we gave up. We stood there, illuminated by the parking lot lights. “This is a pretty awful place to say goodbye,” I said. “I know,” She said. We thanked each other for the time we spent together and whatever it is that we did for each other over the summer. Then I proposed a hug. She mentioned how contrived it would be. We hugged anyway. I took an extra moment to watch her drive off and then she was gone.

Except she wasn’t. The great thing about our friendship this summer is that we went from being “event friends” to “regular friends”. That sounds bad, doesn’t it? What I mean to say is, we stopped being friends that have to make a big deal every time we hang out. For example, an event friend would be someone like Tanya. Whenever I see her she gives me the ol’ “Man, it’s been forever since we last saw each other! How are things going blah blah blah…” And we don’t even like each other that much! I think a lot of my old high school friends are event friends. Not everyone, just a lot. I look back on our trip to the Art Gallery of Ontario and I realize that that was a situation filled with people who I don’t see enough, but that’s because it is neither convenient or comfortable for us to do otherwise. For the longest time, I thought of Annia that way. I’d see her during Christmas or summer vacation or the occasional weekend and we’d laugh and have fun and it was always “until next time”.

My “regular friends” aren’t necessarily the people that I see all the time. Take Michelle for example, who I barely saw this summer. When I see her again, it’ll be business as usual. Dan is another good example. I haven’t seen this cat in a while, but we never make a big deal when we hang out. It’s always like, “Yo, I’m back in town want to go get some bubble tea?” And I’m all like, “Fa sho’, nigga.” That’s where Annia and I are now…uh, sort of.

We’ll talk and complain to each other whenever we feel like it. Whenever she’s around we’ll hang out. Maybe I’ll go to Guelph. Even if we don’t talk for months, I’m never going to have that feeling that we’re losing touch. Does that make sense?A part of me is sad that we’re no longer event friends. That she’s no longer going to feel compelled to drag me to a ballet just so we have something to do for an afternoon. That I can no longer consider going out for lunch with her as a special occasion. That I won’t feel as compelled to brag to all my friends that I got to spend a day with her.

An event friend is someone you go to an art gallery with. A regular friend is someone you sit on the couch and watch Gilmore Girls with.

Just like when I was standing in the Food Basics parking lot with her, I’m left with so much more to say and no way to say it.

Thanks again.

*****

Welcome back, William.

*****

Hello, Jon. I was hoping we’d have the chance to talk. Jon…I know people think me callous, but I’ve made myself feel every death. By day I imagine the endless faces. By night…well, I dream about swimming towards a hideous…no. Never mind. It isn’t significant…what’s significant is that I know. I know I’ve struggled across the backs of murdered innocents to save humanity…but someone had to take the weight of that awful, necessary crime. I’d hoped you’d understand, unlike Rorschach.

“In the end”? Nothing ends, Adrian. Nothing ever ends.