I haven’t updated in a couple of days, and I apologize. A blog should never go 48 hours without an update. Anyway, here’s a Choking Yak’s Provoking Facts I’ve had saved in notepad for the last couple of days, but I’ve been too lazy to post.

– Remember Shining? Well, I give you Brokeback to the Future. You may now disregard the rest of this post.

– I was driving down the highway to school last week, and I found myself in an unexpected mini-traffic jam. Cars weren’t actually jammed, but it was pretty congested due to heavy volume, and I didn’t want to be late for my tutorial. At some point, I found myself following directly behind an empty car carrier. You don’t know how proud I was when I managed to muster up all the willpower I had to resist flooring it and using the ramp to jump over a big chunk of traffic, Gone In 60 Seconds style.

– Commercial! That look on his face at the end is just too good. Delicious, you could say.

– I joined a baseball fantasy league today. The draft is set for March 22, 45 days away. I don’t deserve to live.

– Bought a pack of donuts from the supermarket. And apparently donuts can expire. I had no idea. I realized this when I discovered the half eaten donut I held in my had was covered in spots of what appeared to be tiny green dust bunnies, after I had already scarfed down two of them not ten seconds earlier. And for the rest of the day, I couldn’t shake the feeling that the roof of my mouth was really itchy. Like when you see a particularly nasty Fear Factor or Survivor challenge, and you feel like your skin is crawling. That’s how I felt. I just really hope I was imagining it, and the roof of my mouthing wasn’t actually crawling.

– I really like Tim Hurton’s apple fritters. …well, I don’t really know if I can say that in a general sense. I’m just really liking this one right now.

– There’s supposed to be some preview clips for Chappelle’s Show here, but it’s not working for me, so I had to find a bootlegged one. Topical humour, just another excuse for him to show off how many people he knows…but good is good.

– Check out this new and hilarious song about cupcakes! OMG LOLLERSKATEZ LMAO BBQ ERA 3PT% WWII KBYETHX!!! Anyway. Parns’ mad flow – while surprising – was not unprecedented. Check out this old Weekend Updates where he flexes some rhymin’ muscle. I guess this would be the equilvalent of watching some old college basketball videos of Michael Jordan at North Carolina, after just seeing his game winner in Game 6 against Utah.

May 11th, 2002 – Kristen Dunst
February 15th, 2003 – Jennifer Garner
March 19th, 2005 – Ashton Kutcher

Chris Parnell, without exaggeration, is seriously a better emcee than at least 80% of the rappers in the popular music industry today.

– I remember having a conversation with a guy in Grade 9 about how I didn’t have enough willpower to resist buying pop from the vending machines at school for $1.75. He laughed and remarked at how it was ironic, on account of my name. Like it was a pun. Which pissed me off, because I don’t accidentally make puns. When I make a pun, I’m damn well aware I made it. And everyone in earshot will be aware as well. Puns are tools to me. I use them, and I use them well. I’m better than that amateur bullshit. And that’s not even a pun. He had to reference my name completely out of context, and drag it into the conversation to make it work. And I’m not a complete expert in punology, but I’m pretty sure that citing one of the two pun sources as nothing other than the name of the person that spoke, is a huge stretch. That’s also completely ignoring the fact that there’s not even anyone named “Will” or “Power” that posts here (…). I forget his name…I just know it was a really white name. Chris…uh…McAllison…McAlliston, McAllister, McAllistern, McWhiteyWhiteWhite…I don’t quite remember. I just hope he’s dead.

– And finally, for no reason at all, SHOOOOCK!!!

What’s the matter? You come to fight a madman, and instead find a GOD?

LIKE LIIIIIGHTNIIIIIING!!!