First off, congratulations to Big AL for managing to nail out four consecutive posts. During your wild euphoric ride, you forgot that all of our posts are completely insubstantial. I suspect I have like an unapproachable DiMaggio-like 18 straight posts or something in the middle of the archives, but that doesn’t take anything away from what you’ve accomplished here.

But know that I had perverse pleasure in breaking it up, and I swear upon all that is holy that you shall never approach those formerly unapproachable heights ever again.

Please join me for another installment of Choking Yak’s Provoking Facts.

– Lately I’ve been eating healthier than I ever have. Last week, I went two straight lunches without red meat. Just fish, potatoes, and (parts of various) apples. And if that’s wrong, then I don’t ever want to be right. I suspect it will only be a few weeks before my new fish & chips + apple crumble diet will begin to yield dividends. HEALTHY dividends. I’ve already signed the leases on six new automobiles so that I may throw them into the sun next week with my newfound physical strength that will surely result from this healthy lifestyle change.

– Also, when I was purchasing my $6.89 lunch today at the Eaton’s Centre food court (why is downtown so expensive!?!), I pulled out a fistful of change from my pocket, and while the middle-aged Chinese woman watched from behind the cash register, I counted out exactly $7.89 (it was close, I had a looney left over). We both remarked and celebrated our witnessing of such a rare event with slight chuckles, and I really think we shared a special moment there that can never be duplicated. But later on in the day, I found a leftover dime that had hid in a little fold of the pocket…which kind of took away from the whole event and left me somewhat depressed. It was actually a little weird realizing that I had exactly $7.99 in my right pocket at the start of the day.

– That reminds of a a conversation I had while coming home on the GO Train last month. I had bumped into an old highschool chum of mine (I think I only have like two or three “highschool chums” left) and we enjoyed the following exchange shortly before parting ways once again, left to drift around in society for another four years before unseen forces brings us back together again.
Me: “…because man, it’s all about the small things in life.”
Chum: “You know what really burns me up? When you have enough change in your pockets to make a bill.”
Me: “Yes, because that’s what life’s all about – finding the little things in life that anger you which would never occur to normal people, so that you may forever lead a life of blinding hatred.”
Chum: “I mean…I have like seven dollars in change here, my pants are falling off.” [rattles change for emphasis]
Me: “Good seeing you again.”

– I swear to you, my loyal followers, that if I am elected King of the World, any conversations that are louder than a low mumble that take place on the subway before 10:00 AM will be made criminal offenses, and punishable by repeated mandatory viewings of The Medallion. Morning subway talkers are just inconsiderate. Don’t they understand how important that extra 35 minutes of sleep is to me? When you only get four hours of sleep a night, you need all the quick naps you can get during the day. I mean, that midnight Malaysian bear porn doesn’t surf itself – someone’s gotta do it.

– There’s a department-wide “Team Building Summer Event” lined up at work next week. I’m new to this stuff, but from what I can tell, it’s going to be half a day of work followed by some cheesy trust and ice breaking activities for the rest of the day at some off-site location. …maybe a LaserQuest somewhere? Crossing my fingers on that one. A “Team Building Summer Event” might also be familiar to some of you under a different name, like “Festival Of Endless Awkwardness” or “An Afternoon Spent Hanging Out And Discussing Real Estate Rates In Burlington With Your Middle-Aged Coworkers.” I’m so excited, I’m losing sleep over this. Although I must admit that the potential for free food and huge Unintentional Comedy ratings are alluring. And as far as Awkward Office Functions are concerned, I don’t think anything will ever top that one baby shower I went to two years ago during my summer contract job. It’s like being raped by a bear as a child – I mean, after you’ve visited an entire phone book’s worth of shrinks and you’ve come to terms with it – you’d be completely unfazed by any possible future sexual abuse you could ever take. I can’t imagine how you would top bear rape. (…maybe whale rape. But the logistics of that are hard to imagine.) So I’ve been bear raped already. And this “Team Building Summer Event” looks like it’d as bad as like the Pulp Fiction basement scene at most – a walk in the park for me.

– Was that bizarre bear rape analogy necessary? No. Completely uncalled for…but powerful, nonetheless. Not unlike – yes, here it comes – being raped by a bear.

– Let’s end with a link. White Progressive People Fight Racism. I don’t really have words to describe it right now. Extremely low level production supplemented with solid acting and adequate writing, just killing time until the one big payoff (the Hungry Hippos bit). There’s something to be learned here…but I just don’t know what it is.

Heer’s yourah Sub Zero…now PLAIN Zero!!!