I thought I’d start off this installment of Choking Yak’s Provoking Facts (still can’t even type that with a straight face) with a random musing of mine, brought on by this office space I now inhabit. I often wonder…if half & half is a mixture of half 10% cream and half 2% milk…shouldn’t it just be called like…6% cream? Doesn’t make sense to me. Like that subway advertisement a ways back for Wonderland’s Fear Fest that went “What happens if you get scared half to death twice?” So like…scared three quarters to death? (Or would it be scared one quarter to death? What does the “to death” bit refer to?)

Nothing makes sense in this world.

– A big thanks to my cousin who emailed me a neato 2 for 1 movie coupon, which you are rewarded with after entering a contest. It very pleased me. I know for a fact that my time is so valuable and scarce that I couldn’t be bothered to enter that contest, and apparently neither was she, nor the person that originally forwarded that email to her after receiving it from the original contest participant. You are now officially four degrees away from someone who actually entered the contest, yet your reward is just as rewarding as the original first degree reward. That’s how the world works – one guy does all the work, and the rest of us reap the benefits through the power of the internet.

– Very nice of Gilbert Arenas in his infinite generosity to spare us a win, a night after celebrating his 25th birthday with a Diddy-hosted-2,500-invitee-party. I am particularly impressed by the ice sculpture in his likeness, but unfortunately that picture is not really pre-meltage. By the way, I always like to say his nickname like this.

Here’s that Esquire interview with him I keep talking about. Tons of highlights, but here’s one in particular…

“On the road, I eat hamburgers every day. The team tries to get me to eat differently, but no. Burgers, burgers, burgers. I like burgers. McDonald’s burgers. Wendy’s burgers. Burger King burgers. There’s this one place in Canada—I even look at the schedule to find out when we play there—best burger I’ve ever tasted. Real soft and sweet. I ate twelve of them in one night.”

And just for kicks, here’s an article about him setting up a high altitude oxygen tent in his house. Gilbert Arenas is completely insane, and probably everyone but AL’s favourite NBA player.

– Young Folks by Peter Bjorn And John. Now I might not know much (ie. nothing at all) about music…but HOLY SHIT that is insidious. They need to just ban the use of whistling hooks, because it’s fucking broken and it makes me feel like a complete loser because I can’t whistle. Also, air bongos are probably the easiest air instruments to play (NBC took down the YouTube link, along with Sheep’s Norm links unfortunately). You just kinda…wave your hands in the air a lot.

The album Writer’s Block is dick exploding good, in case you were wondering.

– More musack! We’re about three months too late for the World Series, but some songs are timeless. Like…for example…a Detroit Tigers themed rewrite of Sexyback entitled…Tigerback? If you make it through without vomiting in horror, then you’re a stronger man than I. Make no mistake – it’s terrible. Not even “so terrible that it’s wonderful again” but in fact “so terrible that it approaches wonderful but completely overshoots it back into terrible making it terrible to the exponent of terrible territory.”

Stay tuned for tomorrow for a post about why I hate carrots – because they taste bad!

…

Actually that kinda gave it away. I guess no carrot post tomorrow then.

“Simpsons scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers!”
“Hey, that’s a half-truth!”