Wow, I’ve been stressed out lately. But I went on an insane, mind bending MBP binge last night, and got all the negative energy out of my system. Friends come and go and relatives die, but Malaysian bear porn always puts things back into perspective for me. Now here are some Provoking Facts from me, Choking Yak, to put you into perspective, motherfuckers.

Note how easily I could have split this post into five separate ones and spread it out over the course of a month. But that’s not how we play – we don’t compromise the integrity of our content like that. We’re raw like mofuckin’ sushi, bitchasses.

– Some breaking news, freshly reported just this hour by the Los Angeles Times – the Milwaukee Brewers have traded reserve outfielder Brady Clark for some bullpen help in the form of the Dodgers’ RHP Elmer Dessens.

Not a bad trade for either team. LA clears a spot for Rudy Seanez and gets someone to replace the injured Jason Repko, whereas Milwaukee trades from a surplus to address a need and clears Clark’s $3.2 million off the books.

Of particular interest is that the Brewers have now traded away their fourth outfielder in Clark, with Kevin Mench heavily involved in rumours all offseason (he’s due $3.4 million this year) it’s likely he’ll be traded as well. Meaning that with Geoff Jenkins, Bill Hall, and Corey Hart as the starters, this could open up a spot for everybody’s fourth favourite ex-Blue-Jay-current-Brewer Gabe Gross to make the team as the fourth outfielder. Furthermore, if Bill Hall can’t adjust to his first year in centerfield or the Brewers finally realize that Tony Graffanino and Craig Counsell really suck and they move Hall back into the infield…well then guess who’s the top candidate to start in center? That’s right, The Grossman is.

– We had a grand department reshuffling recently, and today is the first day at my new desk. It’s exactly 32 steps farther down the building from where my old desk was, meaning that for every meeting I have to go to now, I’m walking 64 more steps now than I was before. Multiply that by like a dozen meetings a week and a lunch break every other day (I find that food and nutrition in general is overrated), and we’re talking like…a billion extra steps…per day! I’m guesstimating here, but I’m pretty sure that I’m literally looking at exactly 1,000,000,000.000 extra steps every single day. That is ridiculous.

But I think I have a slightly bigger desk now, so I’m happy. This is also the most exciting thing to have happened to me in the last four months, so no complaints here.

I also inherited a bizarre half-dead houseplant from the previous occupant of this desk. He moved out in January and left his plant here, that fucking amateur, so that could be why it’s all droopy and unhealthy looking. I’m going to nurse him (I’ve named him Earl) back to health…and then maybe I can smoke him or something.

– Some neato not-really-that-popular music links for you now. I’m almost positive that you could just skip this part and just check out Pitchfork instead…but whatever.

Max is all over these guys already, but I wanted to post this Tokyo Police Club video because it looks like they filmed it with a budget of absolutely no dollars. Music videos…they’re that easy. And hey, they’re from Newmarket.
Tokyo Police Club – Nature Of The Experiment [youtube]

This video is just balls-out insane though. Song by Grizzly Bear, video by Encyclopedia Pictura. What does it mean!?!
Grizzly Bear – Knife [mov]

I have absolutely no background on this one, I only know that I was surfing around randomly and I came across some electronica weirdness from Australia. Frankly, anything with the lyric “ice cream will save the day” is a win in my book. I’m easy that way.
Muscles – Ice Cream [mp3]

I caught this funny Lindsey Lohan song by Pase Rock a couple months back, but it didn’t seem to have enough muster to have it’s own post…but now that I’ve found this song by The Teenagers (I think they’re French), I can finally compare them in regards to which is the best female-celebrity-titled-song ever. My personal favourite is still Natalie Portman by Ozma (Rock and Roll Part Three, 2001), which was probably one of the only things I enjoyed back in high school. (I think they’re back!)
The Teenagers – Starlett Johansson [mp3]
Pase Rock – Lindsey Lohan’s Revenge [mp3]
Ozma – Natalie Portman [mp3]

Anyone remember The Blow? Their single was called Parentheses from their album Paper Television – I think I heard it on The Edge once at a weird, indie hour. I liked it, but I can’t remember it. Anyway, one of the guys is doing the solo thing. It’s called YACHT and the album “I Believe In You. Your Magic Is Real.” is coming out in Mayish…I’ll probably be picking it up (read: downloading it illegally) just based on the craziness of the single – I think it’s some electronic-grunge stuff. Also, I cannot think of another album title composed of more than one sentence off the top of my head, which also amuses me.
YACHT – See A Penny (Pick It Up) [mp3]

I’m not completely sure I get this last one though – it’s just straight up TRIPPIN’ SON. Maybe too indie for some of you guys, don’t know if you’ll be able to handle the complexity of the musical and lyrical layers. All I know is that it’s more dangerous to me than Heart, Drops Of Jupiter, Adia, and even Cells combined.
Savage Garden – Truly Madly Deeply [youtube]

I’m so retarded.

Hi Milton. What’s happening. Uh…I’m going to have to ask you to go ahead and move your desk again, so if you could go ahead and get it as far back against that wall as possible, that would be great.