Holiday

Freak Me Out – Weezer

These days, a good day for me is any one where I don’t have to change clothes. Today has been one of those days.

*****

I am definitely not bringing the proper intensity to my job hunting efforts. I can’t be sure what the proper intensity levels should be exactly, but surely what I’m doing now (that is to say, nothing) is not enough. On the one hand, I am thoroughly enjoying being a bum. I have fantasies about discarding all the time keeping items that exist in my house and freeing myself of the fourth dimension. Were it not for the fact that snow will one day fall, it is quite possible that I would never realize that summer is over. On the other hand, I am spending way too much time with my parents now that my brother is in Japan and I am running out of money. There are a lot of things I want to buy.

The scariest part about looking for real work is that I have to expose myself to people, metaphorically speaking. I mean, once I start working I’ll become part of that real world that I have spent my whole life avoiding. We’ve always been at odds with each other. I’m like Tupac.

*****

For someone who is so socially inept, I am awfully picky when it comes to dealing with people. Case in point, one Caroline. She likes to talk on the phone a lot and I do not, but my natural inclination towards pleasing people often results in me having to indulge her in meaningless conversation. I put a stop to that about a month ago with a string of unreturned calls and by making myself unavailable for any meetings downtown. Again, who am I to be doing such things? She called me last week and I told her I’d call her back to make plans and I just didn’t. I didn’t feel like it. Caroline is not a bad person at all, in fact she is often fun to be around and has endured listening to many of sob stories. That said, I became bored of her. I cannot explain it, I just get tired of people. What I feel in this circumstance is not so much guilt as a fear that she will eventually call again and I will have to explain myself. There are several lies that I have prepared, but there are times that you just want to tell someone to leave you alone and be done with it. Worse, I want to be able to reestablish contact with this person whenever I want, if ever. That is how I treat people.

*****

Saturday night was peculiar if only for the amount of late night activity it involved. After a hot softball practice that drained the life out of me I came home and took a brief three hour nap. I threw on my pajamas after and got all settled in for late night dinner and a DVD. It’s around 10:00 that Max calls me, which wasn’t unexpected because we’d made plans yesterday. I didn’t think it would be so late though. Max and his friend David come over to play some XBox, which is soon interrupted by a call from Gary. Gary was apparently in town for a church presentation and was nice enough to take time out of his busy schedule to drop by and say hello. This is all well and good but again, I was sort of settled in. The last call I got that night was from Natasha, who was apparently a little tipsy and asked if I could pick her up from East Side Mario’s. I said “okay” and asked her to call me back later. I went from getting ready to eat pasta and vegetate to playing XBox with three friends and acting as a designated driver for another one.

Natasha was very gracious, but she didn’t need to be. Anyone who knows me knows that I’d do anything for her. Plus, I’ve been feeling worthless lately. I have this sick need to be, well, needed and this is exactly the sort of thing that satisfies that craving.

*****

Here is the trailer for Southland Tales. I have no idea what this is about. I will say that it looks like The Rock gets with both Mandy Moore and Sarah Michelle Gellar. Damn.

Oh, I see what I should do is come home and say: “Hi honey, guess what? I walked into this house today where this junkie asshole just fried his baby in a microwave because he was crying too loud, so let me share that with you. Come on, let’s share that and in sharing it we’ll somehow, uh, cathartically dispel all that heinous shit.” Right? Wrong. You know why?
‘Cause you prefer the normal routine. We fuck then you lose the power of speech.
‘Cause I gotta hold on to my angst. I preserve it because I need it. It keeps me sharp, on the edge. Where I gotta be.