Everybody’s Working For The Weekend (Except Me, I Hope)

The Way I Am – Ingrid Michaelson

My dad wants me to start reading the business section of the newspaper so I have a better grasp of the field of work I’m getting into. Naturally, I’m reluctant, but I gave it a shot the other day. I read an article about how the six big Canadian banks are looking at a potentially hazardous 2007 due to projected losses on loans and mortgage problems and I read a caption about using a monkey’s brainwaves to control a robot over the internet. I also read Dilbert. This is going take time.

*****

Annoyances at work are few, but there is this one guy who sits behind me named Peter who is too loud to be ignored. He’s this middle aged guy who feels like he has to interject himself into everyone else’s conversations because, of course, he knows something about everything and by something I mean nothing. When some guys started discussing movies, he began to go on about how movies featuring snakes make “billions of dollars”. He listed Snakes On A Plane, Anaconda (or as he called it, “Anacondas”) and some other titles which may or may not have been real. He also loves Shoot ‘Em Up and I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry, so we’re clearly dealing with a scholar here.

Last week, Peter spent a whole day on the phone talking to his girlfriend trying to convince her to buy a DVD copier instead of an iPod Nano. Now I’m not saying that he was wrong, but she was clearly set on the iPod and he should have given it up. He was like, “If you get that copier you can watch all the Anacondas you want”. A compelling argument, to be sure. What really bugs me is that he’s so loud and repeats himself so often. One time, people kept asking him for help with stuff and all he kept saying was “I’m swamped.” There was no variation. He never said “I’m busy” or “I can’t right now” or “I have a lot of work to do”, just the same phrase over and over again. He also calls everybody “brah” (a derivation of the more common “bro”), which was amusing for about 0.3 seconds.

He does deserve credit for this gem: Upon seeing what a co-worker was having for lunch, he randomly blurts out “I didn’t know you liked sandwiches!” The co-worker’s incredulous retort was priceless enough (after a moment of confusion he replied “I didn’t know you liked breathing!”) but even without that the line is classic enough. It literally came out of nowhere, during one of those lulls at work where all you hear is keyboard tapping and phones ringing. Then…I didn’t know you liked sandwiches. That sums up everything you’ve ever needed to know about humanity, doesn’t it?

My lunch routine has settled down nicely. I’ve decided to treat myself to a Baconator every Monday, so I can legitimately say that I look forward to Mondays. On the other days, I usually get some soup from the cafeteria. The soup is cheap, surprisingly filling and they give you all the croutons you want. Also, I can eat it while working without messing up my desk, meaning that I can spend most of my lunch in the “nap room”. That’s right, I said nap room. Officially, I believe it’s a lounge, but the signs leading up the stairs specifically prohibit certain activities including:

– Eating
– Having conversations
– Reading the newspaper (?)

These rules exist for the explicit purpose of preserving employee nap time. I have a lot of complaints about working, but there’s no doubt that RBC hasn’t considered our needs. I was shocked that they would encourage sleeping on company property, but I’ve been happy to take advantage of it. The only problem is that the stress of being at work means that I have more nightmares than actual rest, so I might have to cut down on it.

Friday night was great. William, Derek, Paolo, Caesar and I went to Hoops to watch the Raptors game. I had two beers. I’m to understand that this is a typical Friday night for most people my age. The whole thing is strange for me because I don’t like to value one day over another. To quote Cancer Boy, “Every day is a gift.” While it is nice for me to finally appreciate a Friday like everyone else does, I’m not going to become one of those people counting the days until the weekend comes. I won’t, I won’t, I won’t.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the fact that on the subway ride home, we saw this guy. I’m a huge fan of The Score, the best sports network in the world so when I noticed him on the subway I immediately started asking the other guys if they recognized him. William eventually confirmed that it was him, but I still couldn’t muster up the courage to just walk up and say, “Hi, I just wanted to say that I’m a big fan of The Score.” It was a combination of my not being sure that it was him and the fear that I wouldn’t know what else to say if I actually spoke to him. I was afraid that it would turn into an episode of The Chris Farley Show:

Hey, rem…remember when, uh, you…*heavy breathing*…remember when you were doing NBA highlights the other night?
Yeah.
That was awesome.

As it turns out, we all got off at the same stop and as he was walking away, Caesar yelled out “Hey, Adnan!” Lo and behold, it was him and he turned around to acknowledge us. I ran up to him and said, “Hi, I just wanted to say that I’m a big fan of The Score” and for some reason I shook his hand, which I’m sure he promptly sanitized afterwards. Thankfully, I did not say anything like this:

Um, thanks for, um talking to me and shaking my hand and just…*nervous laughter*…being a good, sports…guy…(under breath) ***DAMMIT! STUPID! SO STUPID!

One day, when I’m working with him, that will make for a hilarious and awkward story.

I come again with a bounty of links:

Indulge my love of professional wrestling for a moment and check out this ridiculous ring entrance. Maybe, just maybe you’ll understand why I love this business so much (or you’ll be more disgusted than ever).

From Attack Of The Show!, a day in the life of the Baroness and Destro. Not the funniest thing ever, but there should be enough nerdy references to put a smile on your face.

Because I know Daniel can’t get enough of his favourite show and I can’t get enough of Crush, here’s another interview with her and Wolf.

A review of American Gladiators for the SNES. This guy’s voice is killin’ me! You should check out some of his other reviews too. It’s amazing because he makes no effort to really make any jokes, he just cusses and complains and sounds so defeated. I know there are a lot of these video game review videos on Youtube, but give him a chance. Also, the guy sounds a little bit like Mark Wahlberg with a slight lisp. So imagine a really depressed Mark Wahlberg doing reviews of old Nintendo games and let your conscience be free.

I also really enjoyed his review for TaleSpin, which I mention because it’s a perfect example of how beaten down he gets when a game sucks and it marks our second DuckTales (apparently, it was originally supposed to be a spinoff but they decided to use characters from The Jungle Book instead) related link within the last month or so. I don’t think any other blog can match our DuckTales link rate.

I, uh, wish you could come into the office on Cobra Island today. I’m torturing prisoners.
Really? Who?
Uh…Shipwreck. Barbecue. And Matt.
Those are joke names, right?