New website and webspace coming soon, as soon as I can steal enough minutes away from my full time job to patch together a super cool layout. …or I could just restore the old one, but that hardly seems fun.

In the meanwhile, here are today’s Provoking Facts from Choking Yak.

– Family of faggot fans fly the flag. If you can make it through the second paragraph with a straight face, then you are a better man than I.

– There’s these new Colgate commercials on the subway, that are just pictures of two people making out. Apparently the marketing angle is shifting from “Make your teeth nice and white so your smile looks sunny!” to like “If you use our toothpaste, you can fuck bitches raw in dirty washrooms just like this guy’s doing!” I don’t know, I’m just saying that in my opinion, they seem particularly racy for toothpaste ads. I mean…you can’t even see their teeth, because they’re mouthsucking so hard – how can you have a toothpaste ad without teeth? It doesn’t make sense. It’s like they pulled the pictures straight from Edison Chen’s hard drive (LOL, TOPICAL). Since when did toothpaste become like a lifestyle product? It’s toothpaste! You rub it on your teeth to not have cavities! Modern society scares me.

– Also, I hope you’re all familiar with the new Telus “say-it-alls” ad campaign, because that amuses me to no end as well. It pimps out their smartphones, and the ads are these little questions like “How do avoid wearing the same outfit?” with some blank check boxes labeled with text, call, and whatever so it’s like this fun little thought exercise…yeah whatever, great stuff, and of course the crazy colourful fish are everywhere as well. Here’s a picture of one, taken with my one Telus Mobility smartphone, fittingly enough.

Anyway, the ads are fantastic, because some of them are fairly inappropriate if you approach them with the proper mindset. Like one of them is like “How do you tell him you’re having twins?” or something to that effect, I don’t remember exactly. It’s fantastic because the checkboxes are still blank underneath it, and the question of exactly how to deliver the news is completely up to you, clever Telus smartphone user! The world is your oyster! Like as if the creation of two new human souls and their arrival into your family is a casual enough happenstance that anything less than a phone call is acceptable? I imagine a high powered executive, who is so busy closing important deals and so forth that actually being physically there at the birth of his children is too much to ask, and instead getting an instant message on his mobile is what he’ll have to settle for.

CoolChick215 says: hey
CoolChick215 says: twins
xX~ninjaCEO~Xx says: a/s/l?
CoolChick215 says: 5 min/boys/tdot gen
CoolChick215 says: no complic8ions
CoolChick215 says: luv u =P
xX~ninjaCEO~Xx says: gtg

Furthermore, I imagine this scene to occur within a nice, 38th story boardroom where he’s either giving or listening to a generic PowerPoint presentation with various coloured pie charts and arbitrary bar graphs with cheesy page transition effects, smirking slightly when he sees the message on his smartphone when he sneaks a peek at it on the desk in front of him, because the meeting is just TOO IMPORTANT to be interrupted with a notification that his children have been born. Let’s throw in some generic, inspiration, “the future is now/what a bright and wonderful world” background music like in commercials for Philips television sets or hang-gliding, mountain biking herpes sufferers.

Or maybe it’s not the husband you’re telling – it’s the man you cheated on your husband with. How do you tell HIM you’re having twins? Certainly not a formal phone call then, that’d be too awkward. Text message?

i have twins =(

Seems fitting enough. But sometimes you don’t even need to imagine anything to have lots of fun. This morning right next to “How do you tell him you’re having twins?” was “How do you break up?”…which even on its own is something that seems inappropriate. I don’t even know if it was on purpose or not. That’s just horrible, and I didn’t even need to add a humourous twist at all – it was reality.

I would think email would be best in that situation – opportunity for a fully articulate message because it’s something the person you share children with deserves…yet not too intimate because, well, you’re breaking up with them. And also…is it funnier if it’s the woman breaking up with the guy after she reveals she’s carrying his children, or the other way around?

Every time something comes up and you need to communicate something to someone…think of the little check boxes, and decide what would be the most appropriate way to tell them. And then think of the most inappropriate way, and do that instead. Laughs all around!

I have way too much with my phone though, checking my email at every red light while driving (“No new email…because you are a loser” about fifty times a day) is dangerously fun. And in case anyone’s confused, when I say “dangerous” it’s in regards to the fact that it becomes easier for me to run through a red light and die in a horrific crash, because I’m not paying attention to the road when I’m checking email on my mobile smartphone.

…this particular bit may have gone on for a bit too long.

– Here’s Kobe throwing a towel into some lady’s face, not to be confused with the popular classic Sheed throwing his jersey into some guy’s face.

– Born with the incredible physical attributes of a goat…raised with the fearsome hunting instincts of a dog….I, for one, welcome our new mountain climbing, frisbee catching overlords. I bet he’s just getting tired of that dry, crappy dog food they keep feeding him. Just watch, once that kid fattens up enough…

I used to be legit. I was too legit. I was too legit to quit. But now I’m not legit. I’m unlegit. And for that reason, I must quit.