Sometimes I worry that this site has gotten away from our racist, homophobic, and general all around inappropriate roots. It’s essential that we dip back to that everlasting well of material from time to time, to refill and refresh our bodies and minds. I have drank deeply from this well of hate and prejudice today, and it is the fuel of which this post was powered with.

– Boring CNN article about the new trend of coed dorms popping up in colleges, featuring what is apparently a typical pair of coed roommates in a Russian studies residence with standard fluff piece questions and stock answers about how there’s absolutely no issue or sexual tension involved with being roommates with a member of the opposite sex. Forgive me for my brashness, but if the article picture is of any accuracy, then I’d wager that was less because of their mature and responsible mindsets, and more just because that the two of them are so fucking ugly.

– Here’s a guy you’d love to hate – typical rich white douchebag that hospitalized his girlfriend was sent to jail last week after the judge didn’t buy his claim of suffering from intermittent explosive disorder. (Two highlights – the reaction picture and the absolute last sentence of the article.) What’s the most nuts to me is that this “condition” is actually recognized as a mental disorder and was even entertained, no matter how briefly, as a legitimate excuse for this asshole Phoenix Smashing his girlfriend in the liver – just yet another way that modern society tries to make up shit to excuse its members for failing to lead responsible lives, and legitimize douchebaggery by blaming it on external factors, like bullshit mental disorders, video games, or the media. Why can’t we just call a spade a spade and acknowledge poor parenting and people being retarded all on their own, without blaming Grand Thief Auto for their stupidity, like this asshole probably will?

EDIT: Addendum to the last link…for those of you that managed to catch the fact that the accident happened on Batman Avenue, Melbourne…it turns out that there was actually a man called John Batman who founded the city of Melbourne. A quick Googlin’ turned up this page which details the life and times of Batman, the Australian farmer of the 19th centry, including his role in the Aboriginal Wars of Tasmania. Easily one of the most bizarre and surreal articles I’ve ever read in my life.

– I was reading these two news stories, and the first thing I thought for both of them were how much it would suck to die that way. And then I realized I was disappointed that they didn’t actually die, because then that would have made those stories even better and more entertaining, in a horribly morbid sort of way. Imagine if the last words of that silo worker was him shouting “I HATE PEEEEEAAAAAAS!!!” while he was crushed to death by them. I won’t lie, I’m chuckling to myself right now as I write this.

– Stop me if you’re heard this one before – so a man strapped with a gun and a bag of weed walks into a bank and tries to cash a cheque for $350 billion (yes, that’s $1 x 10⁹) so that he can start a new record company. Now with just the facts available to you, and without clicking on the link yet…just imagine, hypothetically…if there is any, ANY possibility at all that this guy is NOT black? Now try to imagine what this guy’s face looks like, click the link, and proceed to be amazed at how accurately this article can read your mind. I mean, I don’t even really think it’s a racist thing at this point…it’s like there’s no other possible outcome. If you walk into a bank inadvertently loaded with guns and drugs looking to cash a cheque for $350 BILLION from your baby momma’s momma to start a new record label…I’m sorry, there’s no way you’re not black.

In his defense though, he was most probably high as a fucking kite.

– Just like how if you read a story about a 73 year-old man who chained his own daughter in his cellar as his incestuous sex slave and sired six children with her…you’re thinking…that guy has to be white. And if you read a story about some crazy rural villagers murdering single women so that their dead buddies can hook up with their spirits in the afterlife…you’re thinking…those guys gotta be Chinese. I mean, at what point does it get beyond racist and just fits into like…statistically supported conclusions of common sense? I mean, I’m the absolutely least racist person you will ever meet in this lifetime or the next – and even I have to acknowledge that yeah, people are fucked up on the whole, but people of different races are fucked up in different ways. And that should be celebrated.

– From the same guys that brought you Safe Baby Handling Tips, comes Safe Baby Pregnancy Tips. I’m a big fan of inappropriate pregnancy and infant related material, and this site should continue to reflect that.

– I wonder if there’s a lesson to be learned in this incident involving a razor blade flavoured muffin, about not eating random food you find lying around.

…

I don’t know, I was never really one for the metaphorical stuff. I can’t blame the dude, I mean…it’s college, you’re hungry, you’re cheap, you’ll eat free food wherever you can get it. How the fuck are you supposed to expect that these muffins you found wrapped in tin foil, left over in an indoor college classroom on private property had razor blades baked into them? How is this not a felony? If I laced candy with anthrax and scattered them around a random sandbox full of kids, you think I’d get away with that with just a written statement about how much I “regret” that it happened?

What the fuck kind of class encourages and rewards people for baking razors into muffins to illustrate “ideas of absurdism and randomness?” Existentialism? That’s some stupid shit. Oh, you liberal arts majors…I just want all of you pretentious asshats to die in a fire. And not like a subjective metaphorical, figurative fire symbolizing the rebirth of a new postmodern perspective of collective objectivity or some nonsense like that – I mean in like a real fire, made of flames and heat. And AIDS. Bake that into a muffin, you stupid motherfuckers.

“Oh, boy! This thing is shredding my insides!”
“Er, Krusty, that wasn’t the metal one, that was a regular KrustyO.”
“It’s poison…”