Ballad Of A Thin Man

Kissing The Beehive – Wolf Parade

Okay, look, I’m just going to get this out of the way right now. I don’t want to offend anyone on this site, but there’s no getting around it. The new Weezer album is kind of…um…a little…how to put this gently…it’s not good.

*****

As much as I’m disgusted by Max’s bailing on the Raptors this year (tough to blame him) and his questionable loyalty to a popular, major market team like the Lakers, I still felt sympathy for him having to endure that crushing Game 4 loss that they suffered to the Celtics. Perhaps this amusing animated gif will make him feel better. Sorry, you have to insert the WHAM! yourself.

*****

I keep thinking that I put this up here already, but since it’s been sitting on a notepad file on my desktop for the last two weeks, I guess I haven’t. Here is comedian Katt Williams expressing his love for the song Hustlin’ by Rick Ross. You don’t have to know anything about rap music to enjoy this, please believe me.

Side note: I actually discovered this bit while playing Grand Theft Auto IV. Liberty City has a comedy club that you can visit and it features a few standup routines by Williams and Ricky Gervais.

*****

During the Stars/Death Cab For Cutie concert, Gary insisted that we get something to eat before the Stars came on stage. I told him that I wasn’t hungry and that Annia had suggested that I might have a tapeworm. He told me to “consider the tapeworm”, inadvertently creating a phrase that we must use for a future song or album title.

You’ll be happy to know that someone actually did consider the tapeworm for me. Annia was hanging out with us the other night and she informed me that she’d been doing research on tapeworms. I’m not sure whether she’s bored at work or she’s just super concerned about me, but she told me about potential symptoms and how I should consider collecting a stool sample. It takes a real friend to tell you that you should literally get your shit checked out.

What have the rest of you done for me lately, huh? Huh?!? I hate you all.

*****

The suit-shopping saga is finally over and I’m happy with my purchase. I won’t go into the price in the rare chance that my mother ends up reading this and getting a heart attack, but suffice to say I may have gone a bit over my budget. The mission was not without its pitfalls.

Derek took me to Moore’s, one of those stores I’d always seen commercials for but never been to. That’s always a strange experience. You know how people read about those exotic countries in National Geographic and then find themselves blown away when they actually see those places close-up? Yeah, it was nothing like that.

The sales clerk, Tony, asked me if I worked out, which I initially took as a compliment but he was actually looking for an explanation as to why my shoulders are so disproportionately broad compared to the rest of my body. He sounded genuinely disturbed. We tried on a couple of suits and he kept muttering under his breath, “What are we going to do with this?” Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t being cruel, it’s just in all his years of tailoring he had apparently never encountered this particular body type. He looked me in the eyes and told me that he gets paid on commission, but he couldn’t in good conscience sell me one of the store’s suits. Then he asked me to leave and never, ever, ever come back again. I’m pretty sure he was crying during all this.

Afterwards, I felt bad that I had traumatized the guy. Derek and I speculated that he immediately took a break afterwards and went to his office for an hour of silent prayer. Undoubtedly, he prayed that he would be spared the curse of the Kavorka or some such thing. I may have accidentally retired the guy. Years from now, he’s going to be with his tailor buddies and he’ll tell them the tale of “he with the shoulders as broad as the wastelands and a waist as thin as a concentration camp prisoner”. They will dismiss his stories as legend and return to their sweet, safe world of logical dimensions.

*****

It’s a MANtage!

Oh my God. Look at this.
Hm?
It’s the new J. Peterman catalog. Look.
“The Rogue’s Wallet. That’s where he kept his card, his dirty little secret. Short, devious, balding…his name was Costanza. He killed my mother.”