Qualifications

Ragged Wood – Fleet Foxes

In updating my resumé, I’ve been told that it’s important for me to list whatever valuable skills I might have. While my qualities are many, I thought it would be wise to concentrate on my writing ability. As a qualified English Major and a pop culture nut, I can provide detailed essays on the following topics:

* Why The Office sucks now
* Why professional wrestling is an art form and totally not a gay thing
* Why, if one was a resident of the DC Universe, killing The Joker is not only morally in the right but absolutely necessary
* Why, if one was a resident of the Marvel Universe, you’ve almost definitely slept with a Skrull
* Why Tina Fey is the best, most perfect woman in the universe
* Why Van Helsing is not only the greatest film ever made, but a dark reflection of mankind’s fallacies; also, how this film can teach us to survive the inevitable zombie apocalypse
* How Weezer went from being the best band in the world to…not that

A comprehensive “works cited” page will NOT be guaranteed.

*****

Did anyone watch the MLB Home Run Derby yesterday? No? Just me? Anyway, there’s this guy named Josh Hamilton. Hamilton is a former no. 1 overall draft pick who’s career was slightly derailed by a minor crack/heroine/alcohol/horse tranquilizer/children’s cough medicine addiction. He was suspended from baseball for a few years and he ended up discovering God. Last year, he actually made it back to the majors playing for the Cincinnati Reds, had a decent year and was then traded to the Texas Rangers. Last night, he participated in the Home Run Derby in Yankee Stadium. He hit 28 out in the first round. I know not everyone here is a baseball fan, so I’ll put this in context for you: That is a lot.

Hamilton ended up losing in the final round (after the scores were reset) to a good ol’ Canadian boy, Justin Morneau (New Westminster, represent!), but that first round was a spectacular and touching moment, nonetheless. Every few homers, the broadcasters would remind us about how amazing it was that he’d overcome his addictions and put his life together. Joe Morgan, a broadcaster who has his good and bad moments, chimed in by saying something to the effect of this:

As incredible as his story is, I’m more impressed by the fact that he could come back after three years off and swing the bat so well.

That’s right folks, forget about the fact that this guy came back from repeated suicide attempts, the real story is that he can hit a ball good with a stick. Modern day sports broadcasting at it’s finest.

*****

The track list for Rock Band 2 has leaked. Whatever.

…

FLEETWOOD MAC!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Other highlights for me include (but are not limited to): So Whatcha Want (my favourite, favourite Beastie Boys song), Billy Idol, The Middle, Lit(!), The Smashing Pumpkins‘ Today, Come Out And Play…and a bunch more!

IT’S THE MAC!

*****

A couple of links:

From College Humor, Guy Stuck In Class. Don’t forget to hit that “watch in high quality” button, kids. I love the bit about how classroom air is like blankets. This one is a little too familiar for my tastes.

And just for the hell of it, the video for White Winter Hynmal by Fleet Foxes. Ha ha, it’s like I used two Fleet Foxes tracks for this post! That said, I reserve the right to use this song later for a more somber, boner killing post.

I wonder if you put your soft dick into the opening of a glass bottle, could you get a boner? What would happen? You’d get stuck. I guess why would you get a boner in the first place unless you like to fuck tiny replicas of seafaring vessels.