This morning, heading downstairs for work, I only barely managed to notice a single strand of spider silk stretched across the stairs before I walked into it. It was only because of a thin slit of sunshine reflecting off of it that tipped me off. Thus, I am forced to conclude that in my house exists the most ambitious spider in the history of the world. This is a spider that wasn’t satisfied with a life catching and feeding off house flies and moths and all that rabble. No, this spider – likely even despite enormous amounts of ridicule from its arachnid brothers – aimed higher. It aimed higher than any spider had before. It wanted to catch a human being, and to taste that delicious and illusive human flesh, that the spider elders in the ancient web in my attic often claimed would grant immortality to any spider that could do it.

In one single night, this spider had managed to spin a strand across my stairway, from banister to banister, a distance of like five feet (which translates roughly to like a hundred spider miles, I’d imagine). I wonder, if given enough time, if it would have spun a full web across there. Next time we go on vacation, I gotta look out, lest I end up spider food. It’s unfortunate that this guy tipped his hand so early, because now I’m on alert, and I won’t be caught by such a simple trap next time. For a creature with eight separate eyes, you got pretty shitty foresight, Mr. Spider.

I generally have a policy never to kill spiders I find in the house, because I figure that letting it live is equivalent to personally killing every single annoying fly or moth that it captures and eats in its lifetime. But the sheer audacity of this punkass spider shocks me, and I feel like now I have to set an example out of him, or else every spider in the house is going to think it’s acceptable to gun for me. If I find this asshole, I’m going to squash him. I will not tolerate this level of disrespect in the home in which I live.

Now for some links.

– Marty McFly’s kicks from Back To The Future Part II are now available, power laces either, unfortunately. Next one up is hopefully going to be the self drying jacket. I don’t care too much for hoverboards. I mean they don’t even work over water. …unless you got POWER!

– Thought this was a super neato trinket: an Iron Man variant toy by XLarge at the recent San Diego Comic-Con. Here’s last year’s Hulk variant and the original.

– This one’s for Jess. John Nouanesing’s catalogue of neato product designs. Highlights include a tilted soup plate, a warp pipe vase, and a table made of blood.

– Random links to commercials for Stride (glorious), Starburst (chilling), and Volkswagen (blatantly inappropriate).

– Finally, I bring you a glorious glimpse into a dream world in which there are No Such Thing As Asians. Why does the sentiment of this video reverberate so deeply and loudly in my own dark heart? To be honest, I had to watch this one a few times through, because at first I just couldn’t get over the callous treatment of that issue of Amazing Spider-Man #543 in that one scene. Support the spine, for fuck’s sake! I don’t remember it being a very funny issue either – it’s about how Spider-Man threatens to kill Kingpin with his bare hands if Aunt May can’t come out of her coma because she was shot in her stomach. …well…I guess it’s kinda funny. Hurm.

PORQUUUUUUUUUUUUE!!!