The whole week, I had no idea what to post up here since I didn’t really have any relevant links or stories…and then I realized that there are no standards here, and that I could just pull any random shit out of my mind, put it up here, and people would still have to read it. So problem solved.

The following are what I like to refer to as Choking Yak’s Provoking Facts. They can also be referred to as Things That Are Slowly Driving Me Insane, and susequently, future exhibits for the prosecution when they inevitably try me for murder.

– I got really mad at a stranger while going down the elevator for lunch today. For some reason I had this good feeling that I was going to get a completely uninterrupted elevator ride down today with no stops – even though it was lunchtime and I work on the 11th floor of a 14th storey building – the fact that it stopped immediately the 10th floor, the first possible stop, and that I was just so grossly mistaken about the smooth ride…it made me really hate him. And no one else had gotten on at that point, it was just him and I riding down the elevator together. As the seconds ticked by and we got closer and closer to the ground level and no one else got on, I grew increasing upset that this one single guy had ruined my uninterrupted ride. If only he didn’t get on! I’d have an entire elevator all to myself! And as he stood with his back to me, just starring at the elevator doors like the fucking clueless asshole he was, this urge to kill him slowly started to grow. I kept wondering what would happen if I just grabbed him from behind in a sleeper hold…would there be enough floors to go still so that I could completely choke him out before we hit the ground and people saw what I was doing? What would be the probability of us suddenly stopping at a floor once I started? It hadn’t stopped at any other floor yet…maybe if I had just started immediately as he got on and turned his back to me, he’d be dead already…and every second I hesitated was another valuable second I could have used to kill him instead…

Someone eventually came in on the 3rd floor. I was somewhat surprised to be noticably relieved that I hadn’t actually tried to strangle him, otherwise I would have been found out. I wonder if I could have just passed it off as the Heimlich Maneuver, only I had just missed his abdomen and grabbed his neck instead? Somewhat believable, right? I”m sure that’d give a jury reasonable doubt.

I will never forget his face. One day…he will pay.

– I got a text message from Telus today thanking me for my patronage since 2008, since I had signed my current contract with them on this date last year. It was nice gesture…only the thing is that this is the second three year contract with them, so I’ve been a customer since 2005. So obviously they don’t really care at all. If you told your wife “Happy first ever anniversary!” on your fourth anniversary…will you be rewarded for remembering today was your anniversary? Or will you be in trouble because you forgot how many of them you’ve had already? I feel like such a cheap consumer whore when my phone company forgets how long we’ve been together. Don’t you remember the sacrifices I made for you!?! Last year, when Rogers was all over me with their new iPhones and their sexy GSM network and SIM card technology – what did I do? I resigned with you, Telus! Even though you hurt me so bad with your fine print promotions and incoming text message charges, I still stayed with you. Because I thought we had something special.

But now I see us for what we really care. You never really cared about me at all. I’m going to send Rogers a cheque for twenty bucks in the mail, just to get back at you.

– Also today…in a particularly boring and uneventful implementation walkthrough meeting that if I were a girl (even just for a daaaaay), I might tie my hair into a ponytail from time to time. I mean it’s a legitimate possibility as lots of girls wear ponytails from time to time – there would be no reason why I would not as well, if hypothetically, I was a girl. Consequently, I think my biggest gripe about being a girl would be dealing with that slack in your hair at the back of your head that sits before the ponytail. It would just incessantly bother me that I would never be able to completely eliminate it, and I feel that I would be constantly readjusting and trying to tighten up my ponytail, always worrying that some cute guy I liked would see this and find it to be an undesirable and unattractive trait. And then I would develop an eating disorder, and change my Facebook status to some faux poignant bullshit like “…is wondering why life has made me so numb”, artificially inflating the level of attention paid to me in my social circle for no discernible or logical reason other than the fact that it makes me feel better about myself, and then lash out on my unattractive male friends by emotionally torturing them, dropping false hints that I might be flirting with them.

Wow, something’s wrong with my brain. I don’t think I can turn it off now.

Now it is time for Connect Four. The UH!’s are fantastic.

TONY!