I think February ’09 is on pace for a record low in terms of posts per month…which is unfortunate, considering that this month’s posts have been all near the bottom in terms of overall quality as well.

I’m proud to admit that this post will probably not reverse either of those trends.

– This retarded video got Living On A Prayer stuck in my head for like five days straight…I’m just posting it here so that you can share in my misery.

– Salma Hayek Breast Feeds African Babies – don’t actually watch it, the video is much less interesting than the title. You don’t actually get to see Salma Hayek’s boobs, it’s just a depressing montage of starving African children. And no one puts it better than this anonymous commenter.

DAMN THIS SHIT SAD AS HELL.. I HAD TO WATCH 5 MINUTES BEFORE I SAW THAT BITCH BREASTFEEDING.. DAMN JACKIN MY DICK WITH TEARS COMIN DOWN MY FACE

I don’t care where you come from…that is funny.

– If FoodPornDaily.com is the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue of food, then This Is Why You’re Fat is like the explicitly weird and hardcore stuff you can only get through mail order. I think I like this better. And an addendum, Fast Food: Ads vs. Reality. I have to admit, most of the pictures on the right still look really good. And in some cases, better. Man, I am hungry now.

– You remember when I said I’m On A Boat was the second Incredibad song that was released to the internet? I lied. (And yes, Like A Boss is a completely ridiculous song…if you could even call it that.)

– I was telling Jess about this wacky news article I had found, where this wealthy Chinese businessman had to cut some of his mistresses because of the tough economic times (it really does affect us all) and actually hosted a sort of contest to narrow down the field…and somewhat predictably, the first one cut was so upset that she tried to take everyone out by driving the car off a cliff. This raises a lot of questions, and I’m fairly disappointed that the details in this article were so lacking. Like…what were the competitions? I see a beauty contest mentioned in there (of course), and a drinking contest (which is hilarious), but what else!?! Were they just kind of standard things you’d expect, like who cooks the best meal or who could satisfy him sexually the best, but what if there were more specialized or personalized contests in there? Like what if he was a big lawn bowler or something and wanted to keep the best lawn bowling partner out of the four?

I’m also a bit bummed out to learn that I would have a realistic chance to compete in really only two out of five of Jess’ hypothetical contests against her hypothetical man-mistresses (mantresses?). I’m just saying, you probably don’t want me driving when we’re heading back home from the Strongman contest in this completely hypothetical scenario. Also, I’m even more bummed out that even if Hitting To Right Field was an actual event, I’d still probably lose out to Caesar. Hypothetically.

It just had to be a Chinese woman. Goddamn, they do not mess around.

– Highly subjective of course, as these things always are, but you cannot deny that the third movie of any trilogy is rarely, if ever, the best one. And no, Return of the Jedi was not better than The Empire Strikes Back, go fuck yourself.

– Yes, I only said that so that I could transition smoothly into this video featuring this guy’s cabinet door that sounds exactly like Chewbacca. I think it’s one of those rare things where it works even better if it’s spoiled for you in advance…because going in you’re like “whatever, it can’t be that good” and you’re bracing yourself for disappointment because bah humbug, it’s just another stupid, overhyped internet video. But then it turns out it’s so good that you have no choice but to laugh, and you end up laughing even more at your earlier skepticism and how much of a stick in the mud, fun ruining asshole you were. It’s just too good.

– Apparently The Simpsons has a new high definition opening sequence, which is actually the third version of the sequence that hasn’t changed in 19 years. This show has sadly become completely irrelevant to me now, but I feel I’m obligated to post this anyway. Like when your mom tells you that your estranged cousin has gotten married, and you go “oh, good for him” and then go back to slow motion headshotting NPC’s in Fallout 3 after you quicksave the game so that you don’t lose karma. …at least that’s how I imagine it’s like – I don’t actually really have any estranged cousins, or estranged anything, really.

I don’t really want to be estranged from any of my relatives either, especially not like a long lost female twin my parents have never told me about, that I end up having sex with like ten years from now after I randomly bump into her at an airport bar, perhaps subconsciously attracted to her because deep in your mind you would never be able to resist the notion of having sex with a female version of yourself.

…hurm. Probably a good as a time as any to end this post.

I was not the Sixth Beatle.