I’ve always yearned to return back to the early days of this site, back to our roots of providing hard hitting commentary and discussions on real and serious issues that matter to YOU (back then, The WAMBAG was like Keith Olbermann and Bill O’Reilly before there was a Keith Olbermann and Bill O’Reilly), instead of the weird LiveJournal whinefest and link dumpage hybrid this once proud nest of grassroots journalism has now become. In the spirit of reaching back into the Golden Age of The WAMBAG, let’s pull some headlines from this past week’s newspapers.

Man survives Niagra Falls plunge – What’s great about this article is that I learned for the first time that it’s illegal to attempt suicide by jumping over (jumping into?) the Niagara Falls. I can only wonder at how many successful suicide attempts there have been in the past that have escaped criminal prosecution…because they were actually successful with their suicide attempts…but not this time! We caught one of them and now he can stand trial for his heinous crime against civilized society! True justice will prevail!

Belligerent chimp proves animals make plans – Yes, it’s scientific fact now – animals can make plans. That means that chimps are now not only capable of voluntary manslaughter, but apparently also premeditated murder of the first degree! Although I wonder about the point that’s made here…it’s possible this was just behaviour unique to this one chimp, that he was some sort of “genius” chimp. What if he was more of a supervillian or mad scientist chimp? Human mad scientists build giant death rays, think up elaborate schemes to kill Superman (and wear terrible looking bald caps), create life from scavenged body parts, or attempt to usurp command of Catholicism by installing Nightcrawler as the Pope and using murderous disintegrating communion wafers.

In comparison…chimpanzee mad scientists collect piles of rocks by “tapping on concrete boulders in the park to identify weak parts and then knocking out a piece” and then breaking them into smaller pieces if they were too heavy still. That is FRIGHTENING at how close they are already. I’m pretty sure the chimps are going to catch up to us within the next fifteen years. And don’t forget about the dolphins, who are only biding their time until the optimal opportunity to strike at mankind presents itself. What will happen then? Who can say who’ll win the three-factioned, StarCraft-like war for the dominance of planet Earth?

We better start harvesting some of that vespene gas now, get a leg up on the competition while they still haven’t discovered Animal Husbandry yet, which would then allow them to discover Horseback Riding and Writing…along with the ability to build Pastures and see map grids containing Horses. (<- WARNING, high-level sentence containing references to multiple computer games.) The moment a diver grappled with a 12ft tiger shark to save a friend – I’ll just quickly sum it up for you here, although you should definitely read the article; spearfisher Craig Clasen battles a huge fucking shark for two hours to save his friend, attempting to drown the shark by shooting a spear through its gills, before eventually finishing it off by stabbing a knife into its brain. And then he ATE THE FUCKING SHARK. No bragging or anything afterwards either. (I would have totally bragged about it, screaming on the news “I AM A STRONG MAN! ANYONE IN THIS OFFICE TAKE A RUN AT ME!”) Just a very remorseful “I never shoot anything or kill anything that I am not going to eat” and life goes on…

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new winner.

Well that’s a real shame. That article you wrote for Continental about Peter Falk’s favourite restaurants in San Francisco really turned some heads around here.