You know those 50 centilitre creamer cups of milk or cream that you put in your coffee? They have like this “peel open here” plastic tab on them, and I accidentally and unknowingly dropped one into my own cup of coffee. I finished drinking it all… and then I saw it there, stuck to the bottom of the cup and staring me right in the eye, inches from my face…and only then did I realize how close I had come to certain death. In an alternate reality, there exists a Choking Yak who was drinking coffee from a mug whose bottom this plastic tab had not stuck to, who had died while choking on that little plastic tab, lamenting the cruel brevity and agonizing mortality of human existance in his last moments on Earth 616.

I emerged from this experience blessed with something that few people ever get in this life – a second chance.

I’m feeling like I’m in the moment for the first time in my life.

…did I just jack that line from the Funny People trailer? …perhaps.

With this newfound sentiment and renewed zest for life, I commit to the following…

– To eat as many delicious and unhealthy things as I can with absolutely no regard towards my current or future state of health, because fuck it, LIFE’S TOO DAMN SHORT. This includes starting each day with a box of 20 Timbits, a pint of beer, and an injection of hot icing sugar directly into my heart. I just had a near death experience, who are you to tell me how I can and cannot eat!?!

– To stop putting band and artist names in bold, because I am sick of that shit and I keep forgetting to be consistent with it.

– To build a sailboat from the ground up using nothing but my bare hands. And then I will set sail upon the Mediterranean and Baltic Seas time and time and again…until I have built enough houses to finally upgrade to hotels, then at which point I will sail towards the Park Place and Boardwalk Seas hopefully without going directly to jail.

– To have a fist fight with a white guy. That is weaker and less physically imposing than me.

Also he is crippled.

Or an infant.

– To revive my stalled hardcore rap career, but with family friendly lyrics and an overall poppier and bubblier sound. Kind of like Aqua meets Talib Kweli, with a lot of Billy Joel thrown in for melodic purposes. And then I’m going to go and win a freestyle battle on 106 & Park, because even magma don’t flow with heat like this / Class ova ‘fore it start, ya’ll be dismissed / Zach Braff starred in a movie called The Last Kiss / It was okay, but just really depressing and also unrealistic how Rachel Bilson was all over him for absolutely no reason, but the soundtrack was good / Slap you up like Rihanna vs. Chris.

– To find and download a copy of The Da Vinci Code with subtitles in it so I can understand what’s going on in the French scenes, just in case this movie doesn’t actually suck as hard as it seemed to suck. And now you’re telling me they filmed a sequel? God, I’d rather be dead. Seriously, an albino?

– To read Twilight, to see if you can enjoy bad books in the same way you can enjoy bad movies.

I have a new lease on life now, friends. Tomorrow’s a new and wonderful day.

If you had two dogs attacking you
You’d want just one