The office building in which I slave away daily is an atrium, built in such a way that the 14 stories of open space gives the building “a feeling of space and light.” This really just means that during the two minutes of my day in which I’ve left my cubicle for a coffee break, I just stare out over the railing and try to avoid thinking about accidentally dropping my mug on someone. Another benefit of working in atriums…a crying infant can be strategically positioned (ie. really just about anywhere on the ground floor) such that it’s screams will reach all the way up to my desk, eleven floors up.

Apparently someone has just brought a baby into the building and coerced it into crying just for the specific purpose of annoying everyone that works in this building, or someone is looping a recording of a crying baby – honestly, how long does it take to shut one of those things up?

GOING INSANE, MUST MURDER BABY

I visited the Toronto Outdoor Art Exhibition yesterday with Jess, which was quite a delight – I’m sure my love for pretentious art fairs is well documented in this space already, no need to rehash it ad nauseum. It was probably also the absolutely most perfect day in the history of mankind, and so it was rather fortunate that we chose that one day to have a day outside. I mean…what are the chances!?!

The art exhibition (possibly combined with a viewing of Brüno last night) has also now inspired me to make a new website theme made entirely out of penises, to better reflect the true nature of this site’s content. It will be very avant-garde. And also extremely gay. So get ready to receive!

The benefit of having a website that no one knows about is that I can either be 100% serious about the above or not, and it wouldn’t make a difference.

– I already put up the Happy Gilmore bit from Sport Science in the last post, but of equal (greater?) interest is this clip of Gina Carano breaking the ribs of a limbless gelatin man. I think you would be hard pressed to find something a girl can do that would be both more physically imposing and sexually arousing. After watching a few clips from this show, I’m also convinced that they are like the masters of stretching two minutes of actual footage into a 22-minute long episode while still keeping my interest. Slow motion cameras should be one of mankind’s proudest achievements.

– Speaking of mankind’s proudest achievements…check out Fancy Fast Food, which is a collection of attempts to present everyday fast food in a gourmet cuisine fashion. I’m not a chef or any sort of culinary engineer (although I did watch the first four epsiodes of Kitchen Confidential with Bradley Cooper before FOX cancelled it) but these are pretty impressive to me all the same. I like how one of the steps is always to boil the water away from a cup of Coke/Pepsi to make sauce from its syrup…as gross as it sounds, it probably tastes worse.

Jess, I think I’ve found a new weekend activity for us.

– Behind the scenes with Delonte West, a day in the life of a real basketball gangsta.

– What if I told you that I had an edited version of every song in Dr. Dre’s The Chronic mashed together? And that all the non-swear words were edited out, forming some sort of bizarro radio edit? Is that something you’d be interested in?

– Wacky headlines of the day! First, lightning strike cures Serbian woman of irregular heartbeat…but then the end of the article says the doctors think she’s going to die anyway. Huh!?! High comedy. Next, something to think about next time you get hiccups – you probably have brain cancer. Hi-larious! And finally, from the sidebar of that article, a picture gallery of The Heart Attack Grill, “a hospital-themed restaurant in Chandler, Arizona, which has become famous for embracing and promoting an unhealthy diet of extremely large hamburgers.” Check the website here. They also sell unfiltered cigarettes and you eat free if you weigh over 350 pounds. I like this, because in an age where people are becoming increasingly more educated and mindful of what healthy, nutritional eating entails…these guys just went “Fuck it!” and went to the other extreme. They’re straight shooters…and you can’t fault them for that.

Jess, I think I’ve found a new vacation destination for us.

Trains, planes, or automobiles…you betta have my donuts.