Winnipeg Chronicles #1: First Flight

New Slang – The Shins

The last time I found myself on an airplane was about seven or eight years ago. We were going to Peru to see some relatives. It was the first time that I would be abroad. The trip had several highs and lows, most of which I recorded at the time and for one reason or another have never gotten around to posting here. It was a long time ago, but with some editing it could make for an entertaining series of posts. A tale for another time.

I mention that past experience not to create some thin thematic connection (though I easily could) and not to be nostalgic (though I am), but to let you all know how long it has been since I’ve been on a modern airplane. I had no idea what a wondrous experience flying had become! I should warn you now that I am going to come off as even more of a Luddite than usual, but bear with me won’t you?

The whole day all I could think about was how I was going to be missing the NFL playoffs. The most shallow of concerns, I’m aware, but that kind of thing is important to me. Lo and behold, the first thing I notice when I get to my seat is the gentleman in front of me tuning in to the Baltimore-Indianapolis game. At first I thought I needed to swipe a credit card or stick my dick in something to open up the channels but there they were at no extra charge. Huzzah!

I had three seats to myself so the trip was a delight. Lots of leg room. Two air conditioners at my disposal. The full attention of any passing attendants. The flight was a little over two hours long so I didn’t think I’d be getting anything to eat or drink, but the wonderful people at Westjet surprised me again with the offer of a snack and a free juice. Of course, I took the juice.

It should be mentioned that I was flying economy. Does anyone remember what economy used to be like? Forget having any leg room. You had to be able to tuck your knees into your own ribcage or you wouldn’t be getting any sleep. And TV? I remember having to stick two ear buds into my skull just so I could listen to the same loop of songs over and over again. I recall Smash Mouth being popular at the time. Don’t even get me started with the beverages. I can still recall bitterly the taste of my complementary horse piss. Then again, I am known to exaggerate.

Liberated. That’s the best word to describe it. I love my parents to death, but waiting with them in that tacky airport lounge was a nightmare. They’ve been as supportive as they can be regarding my trip, but for that brief hour before takeoff there was the real fear that they would find some way to drag me back to Markham. Even worse, that I might let them.

But when the time came, the time came and before I knew it the plane was descending over the city of Winnipeg. Devoid of the tall buildings of Toronto, it seemed like you could see the entire city from beginning to end. It was like an enormous Lite Brite. Sorry, couldn’t come up with anything more cliché than that.

*****

I love Jersey Shore and am genuinely bummed out that the series ended this week. I swear I normally don’t watch these “throw X colourful characters into an alien environment and watch hijinks ensue” shows, but Jersey Shore is just too good. If I were to review the show in a critical fashion, I would tell you that the show itself is a brilliant satire of rote reality show conventions. The seven primary characters are themselves evocative of the seven biblical sins (Ronnie/Wrath, Mike/Lust, JWoww/Big Titties, etc.) and how even to this day we struggle to overcome them. The situations presented on the program are so outrageous and so contrived that it exposes us to how unreal the modern reality has become. Ronnie and Sammi stand as a new millenium Samson and Delilah, nay, a cutting reflection of…of…of…

Okay, fuck it. Jersey Shore is about a bunch of people with artificial tans, artificial breasts and artificial muscles. These people dance like assholes, get into fights with themselves and everyone else for no reason and occasionally someone gets laid. It’s BLOODY fantastic.

If you want a real analysis, here is an article comparing Jersey Shore to the Final Fantasy series.

*****

I’m going to keep my mixed martial arts thoughts on another blog in an attempt to maintain some semblance of professionalism. It’s important that people know how serious I am about this fledgling sport that I have grown to love. Without MMA, what outlet would we have for our own violent impulses; what would become of fighting spirit that lies within us all? Most importantly, how would we have ever lived without XARM?

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Like sashimi or pizza.
You prefer cold pizza?
The morning after, it’s the best.
Better than hot pizza? That’s insane!
You don’t tell me what kind of pizza to like! You don’t tell me anything anymore!